Bellamy's Nightmare, Clarke Comforts Bellamy
by BlodreinaBeauty
Summary: A bunch of one-shots that include Bellarke. They are all connected but not in direct order. They have nightmares. Bellamy denies he needs help but tells Clarke anyway. Clarke and Bellamy realize they need each other. This takes place through out the seasons. I do not own anything. Please review! I'd like to read what you liked about it or what you'd like to read more of!
1. Bellamy's Nightmare

When I wake, I roll over and beg the fear to pass. When it doesn't, I sit up and put my head in my hands. I have to remind myself where I am and what I am doing. It doesn't help. I am still afraid. Sweat drips from my face. I hear my tent zipper open. I wipe my face off and stare at the intruder.

It's just Raven.

I sit up straighter.

"Come back for more?" I ask her. She rolls her eyes.

"You're not fooling anyone, Blake. I was walking by your tent and heard you."

I just nod. I don't want to talk about that.

"You need to go see Clarke. She'll get you something for that. She found an herb that helps with—"

"Raven. I'm fine. Unless you came here to get over Finn again, you can leave. I don't need help from Clarke."

I stand up now, puffing out my chest. She looks me up and down and shakes her head.

"You need help, Bellamy. We all do. Clarke won't tell anyone. We all know she's messed up. You'd rather go to her than Abby, right?"

I shake my head again.

"I don't need help, Raven."

But I can't say that. I know I need help. I just don't want to tell her that. And I certainly can't tell Clarke.

"Whatever."

Raven finally leaves. I sit back down on my bed. I can't manage to remember how to fall back asleep. Every time I think I will, I am jolted awake by another terrible thought. I swallow my fear but I know that soon I won't be able to. I just hope I'm alone when I finally boil over. It's about two hours later when I scream myself awake. I decide screw this. I'm not sleeping through one of those again.

I get up and walk around the camp. I find people laying in various states of sleep. It must be well past three am. The morning shift won't begin for another three hours. I'll have to find something to do for the time.

"Bellamy!" Clarke says a bit too loud for nighttime. I turn around, rolling my eyes.

"Hey," I say.

"Raven said you wanted to see me."

Of course she did.

"No. I don't need to see you," I assure her.

"She seemed pretty certain."

"Well she's wrong," I say and begin to walk away. Clarke follows me. She puts her hand on my arm sending electric pulses through out my body. I want to beg her to keep it there, to pull me close to her. Instead I clear my throat and walk faster so her arm dislodges from mine. It hurts but I don't tell her that.

"There's nothing wrong with having nightmares," she says, trying to catch up.

"I don't get nightmares. I'm fine. Clarke, seriously. I don't know what she's talking about. I promise I am fine," I assure again, hoping she will leave me alone so I don't have to resist the urge to tell her everything and beg her to help me.

She follows me again. We are almost back to my tent. She stands in front of me now, blocking my way. She looks right into my eyes so I have no choice but to look back at her. I want to look away in fear that she may figure it out. But I don't.

"You're not okay, are you?" she asks.

I shrug my shoulders.

"Me either," she agrees.

She enters my tent first, waiting for me to follow her. I think she's given me permission to be vulnerable in front of her, which makes me hate everything a little more. I want her but everything is confusing.

"You can tell me, Bellamy," she says.

I just shake my head.

"I can't."

She nods and sits down on my bed. I sit next to her and put my face in my hands. Maybe this way if she does convince me I can tell her anything, she won't be able to see how much I'm hurting.

"I killed all of those people too," she says. "I see their faces in my dreams. I hear their names being spoken over and over again. I know how bad it is, Bellamy. If there is anyone you don't have to hide from, it's me."

I don't move.

She puts her hand on my bare back. I want to lean into her so badly. My body aches to be close to another. Her. It aches to be close to her. I refuse my craving. I refuse my need for comfort.

"Talk to me. I haven't slept much since it happened. Every night I am desperate to sleep but my mind is filled with hatred and fear. I am so tired of being scared all the time. I am so tired of being the bad guy, the person who has to bare it so they don't have to. I just want someone else to feel that for a while. Maybe then we can get a break."

She breaks me slowly with every word until I can't hold my demeanor anymore. I feel tears fall into my hand. I don't dare show my face now. I hold my breath, begging the fear to go away. I can't hide my shoulders begin to shake or my body begin to break in on itself.

Clarke puts her arm over my shoulder. I hear her sniffle but I don't look up. She can't see this.

"I have a herb that will help you sleep if you want," she says.

"Does it help you?" I ask.

"Not anymore. I used it when we first got here."

I shake my head. My hands are shaking now. My fear is taking me over. I thought I would be able to control it. Instead, I am begging my tears to stay hidden from her. I clear my throat and run my hands down my face so I can look at her. I know my eyes must be bloodshot.

"We'll figure this out together," she assures.

I nod, not trusting my voice yet. I look down at my wet hands. She puts her hand on mine. I take it. I can't control this. I want her. I squeeze her hand. She squeezes back. Relief floods my brain and body. The shaking begins to subside.

"You should try to sleep," she says.

I shake my head.

Clarke does something I would never have imagined. She pulls me in for a hug. I hold onto her, letting her squeeze my around my neck and put her face on my bare shoulder. Her lips brush against my skin. I wrap my arms all the way around her and rest my head on her shoulder. Her hand finds my hair, holding me close to her.

"We'll save each other, Bellamy."

I have to believe that. I am too afraid to believe anything else.

"Lay down," she says.

I nod and lay back on my pillow. I move against the wall of the tent and look over at her. She keeps her hand on mine. She looks so tired. She has dark circles under her eyes. Her body is slumped. Her lips are too dry. She wants help too.

"Only if you stay," I tell her.

She shakes her head, looking reluctant.

"You have trouble sleeping too," I remind her. "Come on. We're better together anyway."

She nods, laying down beside me and putting her head on my bare chest. She rests her arm over top of me, making me feel protected by her too. I cover my own arm with hers and let her rest her head.

"Stay," I remind her.

She squeezes me around my waist.

"You too, Bellamy."

I close my eyes.


	2. Clarke gives Bellamy Comfort

I've been waking up from these stupid things all week. I can't seem to get any real sleep. I turn over to find myself in an empty, dark room, wishing I weren't alone. Not just anyone. Her. I groan as I push myself to standing. I can't sleep like this anymore. The world is ending and I am still having nightmares about people I killed. It's not as if it's going to matter. We're all going to die anyway.

I start roaming the halls, hoping no one will spot me. If they do, I'll have to come up with a good excuse as to why I'm awake. I know I will see the night guard. This is not the first time I have been wondering around alone in the middle of the night. I am hoping they will ignore me.

I find myself walk to Clarke's door. I know I shouldn't. I know I should turn around and walk back to my room. I have done this dozens of times. But I have never actually knocked on the door. I have never actually gone inside in the middle of the night. Tonight is different.

I can still see her covered in blood right in front of me. I press my hands to her wound but the blood doesn't stop. I shot her. I hurt her. She begs for me to save her, to help her, but those beautiful blue eyes soon become grey and dark. Her face becomes pale.

I knock on the door with my hands shaking.

She doesn't answer. She is probably just asleep. I feel something wet on my face. I brush it away. If I see her, I will be alright. I will know I didn't hurt her. I couldn't have hurt her. I would never do that.

I knock again. This time I can feel my inside's shaking. I am so afraid. I bite down on my lip and the door opens. Clarke stands in her soft pants and tee shirt. Her hair is a little messed up in it's curls. She looks so beautiful. I can't help it.

I pull her in for a hug. She holds onto me, surprised at first but clearly doesn't mind it. She hugs me for a while, just holding me there. I burry my face onto her shoulder and lean into her.

"You're okay," I whisper.

"Of course I am. I was sleeping. Are you?" she asks, pulling away a little. I start to panic. I just want her to stay with me. She can tell this so she keeps one of her hands on mine. The pain in my chest radiates further. The blood on my hands dripped down onto the floor. Blood from her body.

I know I will lose the battle with myself soon. I can't break down. Not in front of her.

She nods her head inside the door, not allowing me to give my fake answer. I sit down on the edge of her bed with her right beside me. I know I will soon lose the battle if she comforts me the way I want her to.

"You should sleep, Bellamy," she says.

I shake my head. "That's what got me into that mess to begin with."

She understands. She has felt it too.

"What happened?" she asks.

"Blood. There was blood on my hands and then…on you and I…it was terrible." I look at her, though I can't stop the water from filling my eyes. I am still strong enough not to let it fall. "I would never hurt you like that, Clarke. We fight but we get through it. Together."

"I know you wouldn't," she says, putting her hand on my knee. I want her to reach closer to me but I decide against it.

"Sometimes the nightmares can seem real," she says. I can almost feel her body heat against my side. I want to lean close to her. I want to brush my shoulder against her skin.

"Yeah," I agree. "I thought I really did it. I was so scared that…I just had to see you to make sure you're okay."

Clarke brings her hand up to my chin to tilt my face. I am losing the battle for sure now. I bite my lip and look away before the tears fall onto my cheeks. I feel stupid but not afraid. I am not scared of being vulnerable in front of her. I only fear her reactions to it.

"I'm right here, Bellamy," she says.

I have to look at her now. I hold her hand, squeezing it tight. We both know this is not what friends do but we don't care. Right now, we just want comfort. I had forgotten how tired she looked earlier.

"Did you have a nightmare?" I ask, wiping off my face so maybe I won't have to break any further into pieces.

She nods. "All the time."

"Which one?"

"BBQ grounders…when I thought you were dead. It was so long and I was so alone…You and Finn. I thought I had lost you both."

I can tell she is starting to become upset. She doesn't want me to know it either. I wrap my arms around her before she has the chance to tear up. If I see that sad face, I will cry. She rests her head on my shoulder. I can feel her lips pressed against my bare skin. I pull her closer, sending shivers all over my back. She doesn't pull away. It takes a long time before I decide to, and even then I don't want to. She rests her hand on mine again, never letting go of that connection.

"I guess I should get back to my room," I tell her, almost standing. She puts her hand on my knee and pushes me back down. I have hope rising in my chest but I beg it to diminish.

"No," she says. "You don't have to."

"What?"

I know I must look like a fool. I want nothing more than to wrap her up in my arms and feel her close to me when I sleep. When she shutters, I will comfort her. When I wake sweating, not able to catch my breath, she will put her arms around me and whisper until I am alright. I have thought about this a thousand times, always wondering why we don't stay with each other. We have been best friends for so long. Maybe we could just have this.

"You can stay here, Bellamy," she says. "This Chancellors room is big enough for two people and…we would both be helping each other."

I nod.

I don't think I'd be able to speak. My voice would shake like my hands are now. I wait for her to lead me. In this instance, I am not sure what to do. I am too scared that this will disappear. I need it. So badly. I don't think I have slept soundly for a long time.

"Here, lay down," she says as she lays down on the side closest to the wall. She waits for me to get under the blankets. I do as she is told and lay almost completely still until I can feel her embrace under the sheets. My body tingles with anticipation as she wraps an arm around my stomach. I lean into her, resting my head on hers and throwing my large arm on her small one. We entertain our legs and fingers until we are in complete comfort. It does not feel strange at all. Actually, it feels as if we both know where the other one will fit, exactly how we should share this space, exactly how to comfort the one beside us.

We are silent for several minutes. My body is so tired. I lean into the mattress and the sheets, into Clarke. But my mind realizes that I am close to sleep. I open my eyes and look around me. Clarke is still right here with me but fear hits my chest so hard I think I might call out in pain. I squeeze her close to me. It's so dark in here. I can't see anything. I know she is with me so I put my hand in her soft blonde hair. I try to subside the shaking. It doesn't work. I don't want to wake her. But that's why we're doing this.

"Clarke?" I ask. My voice is shaking with the rest of my body.

"Hm?"

"I need you," is all I can manage to say. She tilts her head up so she can look in my eyes. I can see her face when she is close to me. She puts an arm on my chest and shoulder, her chest almost on top of mine, her legs still wrapped in my own and she smiles at me. She is almost protecting me with her body as I am protecting her with mine.

"I'm right here, Bellamy," she reminds me.

I nod.

She puts her fingers along the edge of my face and then stops right at my shoulder.

"If I sleep, I'll see them again," I say.

"I know. Me too."

"What do we do?"

"Sleep. Feel the pain. I was wrong to leave you. I was wrong to run away from what I had done. I won't do it again."

"Sh," I tell her, putting my hand on her face and shaking my head. "It's okay."

"Now I know a better way. No matter what kind of pain comes, we'll face it. Together."

I nod with a smile.

"Together," I agree.

She lays her head back down and we drift off into sleep…together.


	3. Clarke's POV

I don't bother knocking or trying to make myself known. He knows that we should talk. We have been talking nearly every night. My tent is right beside his. He hasn't seen Echo in a while. He has been worried about his sister so much.

When I enter his tent, I find him sitting on the edge of his bed with his hands over his face. When he sees me, he looks surprised but also worried. He has tears all over his face. His eyes are bright red. His hands are shaking. I get worried right away. I run over to him and sit beside him. I wrap my arm around his shoulder. Without a word, he rests his head on me. He leans into me, almost as if he needed this comfort and did not even know it.

"Bellamy," I say and wait for him to respond. He doesn't.

I hold him close to me, letting him rest his body weight against my own. I put my arms around him. I feel him squeezing me tightly. His beard is rough against my arm. His hair tickles my chest. We form so gracefully around each other, as if we have been doing this our whole lives.

"I couldn't save her, Clarke," he says finally.

His voice is broken and sad. He heaves a strong, heavy breath that later comes out in shaking shambles and tears. I hold him tighter when this happens, not speaking or telling him any lies about how it is going to be okay. We both know it will not be. But we will take this comfort for what we can. It is a long time before he finally looks back up at me. There are still tears falling down from his eyes onto his cheeks. This is not a boy crying; not even the man version of him I saw six years ago. This is a real man. This is a man who knew peace and love and equality for six years. This is a man who is broken because it was all taken away from him.

"I couldn't save you," he says.

I shake my head and put my hand on his arm.

"Let's not play that, Bellamy."

"I have to. I have to say this." His voice is sad but I understand. "I missed you, Clarke. So much. And I regretted leaving you there everyday. I wish I would have stayed here with you, brought you back to me. I came up with a thousand things I could have done. And I didn't do one of them. I am so sorry."

His tears are falling again, his lip quivering until he can't control it anymore. His head falls. I catch him and pull him in for a hug, feeling my own tears now. I lay him down on the bed with me. We intertwine ourselves, lacing our legs together, resting our heads on each other, holding our arms around our bodies until we are connected. I think of Echo then. I start to pull away when he grabs my arm.

"No!" he says in an almost panicked voice.

"Echo…"

"Will understand that I thought you were dead when I agreed to be with her. She isn't here right now and…" He looks right into my eyes when he says this part. His face is clear and honest. "I missed my best friend, Clarke."

I nod with a small smile.

"I missed mine too."

We lay together for a few minutes, calming our breathing and our bodies. After a few seconds, we are talking like old friends, reminiscing, planning, and just being the people we were together all of those years ago. I have missed that too.

"Octavia is not my sister anymore. I raised her to be better…to be good. Just like my mom raised me and look what we did to each other…We're all monsters. Maybe that is what my family was meant to be," he says.

"No. Bellamy Blake. You are not a monster. You are a man. You did what you had to do for your people. And you did it better than me. Octavia became that way because of whatever went on down there. It broke a lot of her people, her included. That was not your fault," I assure him.

"It was my fault for being up here."

"Do you regret saving Raven? Going back for her? Going with me to get her?"

"Of course not. I was never going to let you go alone. You almost shot me and I still never would've let you go alone," he says, almost as if to himself. He knows it sounds crazy. "And Raven is my friend. My family now. I would never trade her."

I nod. He rests his head on the pillow next to me. I roll mine over to face his.

"We're so different now," he says in a deep, raspy voice. It is one that I remember when we would spend the night in the same tent, never telling anyone about it or even justifying it to ourselves. It was for comfort and convenience, nothing more. We know we were lying to ourselves.

"Octavia will be fine on her own now," I tell him. "She has to be. You can't tell her what to do anymore and it isn't your job to try to save her."

He agrees.

"And it isn't your job to destroy people's lives for your daughters," he says with a serious expression.

I nod.

"We both have new people to care about," I say.

"Echo," he says. "I told you. I love Echo. But you are my best friend. Nothing can change that. Nothing has ever changed the fact that I thought about you every day while I was gone. I mourned you."

I squeeze his hand.

Bellamy pushes his body against mine so we are laying together again. He rests his head on my shoulder. My arm drapes around his chest, laying on him comfortably. We hold each other in the dark.

"I don't sleep well anymore. I got used to sleeping on the Ring eventually. I used to scream myself awake until the last two years. It was always you. Clarke and radiation. Clarke stabbed. Clarke shot. Clarke fell off the tower. Clarke struck by the death wave. Clarke. Always Clarke. Even then…it wasn't great. But we could sleep whenever we wanted so I was never tired. It was so terrible. Now I can't sleep here. Too much sound. Too much worry," he admits.

"Over time that will stop, Bellamy. Just as it did with so many other things," I tell him.

"I am afraid we don't have that much time left, Clarke."

I understand but I don't want him to go just based off of that point. I have missed him too. He has no idea how much I have missed him. If I tell him, everything will change. I don't think I can. Instead I swallow it back and kiss his forehead.

"For tonight we have each other," I promise.

"You don't sleep well either?" he asks.

"Terrible when I was alone…better with Madi, once she trusted me. But now…same as you."

He nods.

"Then tonight maybe we should…stay…you know, for sleep purposes," he says.

"Yeah," I agree.

I can feel him relax his body into my own, as if understanding he doesn't have to leave.

"We'll ward off the demons in our sleep," Bellamy says.

"Even if that demon is your sister?" I joke.

Bellamy turns his body and puts his arm around my waist. "Shop op, Wanheda. I'm sleeping for the first night in over six years."

I breathe deeply and close my eyes, feeling peaceful.

"Me too."


	4. I love you Clarke

**This is about Bellamy and Clarke waking up from kryo first. This starts after they hear Monty's message. I see I'm getting a lot of readers. I'm glad you guys are enjoying it! Let's get a few more reviews! I want to know what you like and some professional criticism! Thanks guys!**

"It's beautiful," Clarke says in a broken voice after several minutes of silence as we stare at our new home.

"Yes it is," Jordan agrees. "I can't wait to live on a real planet. I mean, grass and trees and all that…that's just going to be so different from up here and—"

"Hold on, Jordan," I say.

I need to tell Clarke. It has been too long. Two centuries too long. And it's time to start over. Monty woke us up first for a reason. But I don't see a reason why we have to wake everyone up right this second. It's not as if they know the difference. I need just a few more minutes with Clarke alone.

Clarke pulls away from my shoulder and I think I shouldn't have said anything. But then I rest my hand in hers and she doesn't let go.

"Can I have a minute with Clarke?" I ask Jordan.

"Oh yeah! Dad said that you two probably wanted to talk for a while…to decide what to do with the others and all of that," Jordan says. He starts walking past the Kryo stations and stops at a few rooms. He opens the door to one of them.

"This one is empty. You can use it. I'll just go back to my room and wait to hear what to do," he says.

I nod and enter the room first. Clarke closes the door behind us and turns to me. She looks so scared, standing there alone. No shoes. Black tank top that doesn't protect any part of her body. Tight black pants. Her blonde hair is still short but beautiful. She is older but clearly so much wiser than she has ever been. We both know we will live by Monty's words now.

"Ready to be the good guys?" Clarke asks with a smile.

I nod.

She rushes into my arms. She wraps her arms around me. Unlike the first time we hugged, I don't hesitate. I pull her into my hug and hold her so tight. I let her rest her head on my shoulder and I lean down to conform my body to hers. I feel tears prickle my eyes but I am not sure why. The thought of two of my family members dying leaves me wondering about how I should feel.

"We'll have to take care of Jordan," I say. "They wanted it to be us."

Clarke pulls away just a little.

"I know. We will. Jordan and Madi. Together."

I smile at her, realizing what she just said. I am not even sure that she realizes it or is thinking it quite the same way that I am. For some reason, I hope she is.

"We'll do what's right," Clarke says.

I nod.

"Before we talk about the fate of humanity again…I want to say something," I tell her. My voice is already shaking. My body is nervous. But I have to get this out. "I have been trying to tell you for so long. I just never knew how and then…" I take a deep breath. She is listening but she is curious and impatient. She looks like she might say something so I stop her. "No, Clarke. I have to say this myself. When I left you behind, I mourned you for six years. I sobbed alone and had nightmares and kept to myself for three of those years. Everyone could see that I was upset about losing you. It wasn't just that you were gone. It was that it was my fault. I left you. And I never told you before you were gone."

"Told me what?" she asks.

"I love you, Clarke," I say. It feels like the weight of thousands of lives has been pulled off of me. I can breathe again. I can smile again. I smile when I tell her, so big and proud and happy that I can't remember the last time I was this happy.

Her expression is pure shock. She shakes her head, as if confused but her hands and arms still rest on mine. I am scared for a moment. But then she smiles back, tears in her eyes.

"I love you too, Bellamy."

I can't wait any longer.

I pull her in for a hug, resting my head on her shoulder, brushing my lips against the bare skin of her neck. She squeezes me with all of her strength, keeping me as close as I can go. I can feel her smile and her tears.

"I have waited so long to tell you," I say.

"What about the others? The kids? Echo?"

I shake my head.

"Everything is different now. We are not going to start a war. We are not going to enter one. We are going to start over. We don't have to worry about anyone else. It's just you and me, Clarke," I assure her.

"Together," Clarke says.

"Together," I agree.

I look at her beautiful face. I rest my hand on her cheek. She leans into it naturally. She looks at me with those amazing blue eyes. I wrap my arm around her waist and she smiles at me.

"Can I kiss you, princess?"

"Yes."

I reach my lips down onto hers and pull her in for our first kiss.


	5. Bellarke Reunion after Six years

**How I wanted to see the Bellarke reunion, though it was great. This happens when they first see each other and stops before Clarke asks about the others. I liked the one in the show but this shows as if they had a little more time and from Bellamy's POV. Please review! Can't wait to hear from you guys!**

The doors to her cell open. She is sitting on the bench. Clarke turns around to look at me. She is so beautiful. Her hair is short, which suits her though I prefer it long. Her eyes are darker than they were before, almost sadder. When the guard allows it, I run through the open doorway. Clarke stands and we both stare at each other for a long second.

I can hear her breathing. She can hear mine. It is hitched. I can feel tears pushing behind my eyes. The woman I mourned for six years, cried over, dreamt about and lost…is now right here before my eyes.

I don't wait a second longer. I pull her in for a hug. We hug for a long time, holding each other close.

"It's really you?" she asks.

"Yeah, princess," I agree. "It's me."

I feel like I might cry but I force myself to stop. I have cried over her a lot the past six years. I have wondered what it would have been like if I told her the truth about us. There were so many times where I tried to. Not telling her was the only time I was listening to my head and not my heart. And it was the time I was wrong.

"You're here," she says again in disbelief.

"I'm here."

"Madi?" she asks.

"She's safe."

She seems relieved again. She rests her head on my shoulder as I rest mine on hers. My arms wrap all the way around her thin body. Too thin. She is fragile, small. It makes the tears come faster. I don't think I can stop them this time.

One shaky breath but I hold it.

"I've been so worried about you," she says.

"You too, princess," is all I can say.

Another shaky breath.

She squeezes me tighter. I can feel her crying. She doesn't try to hide it. She has been worried about me? She was the one down here surviving alone. Alone because I left her here to die. After everything that she did for me, with me. We did everything together and I left her.

"I'm so sorry, Clarke," I mumble, losing the battle against my tears.

"Oh, Bellamy."

Tears come faster than my body can handle. It's as if everything I have felt for six years comes running back at me. It hits me so hard I wonder if it is praimfaya all over again. My chest feels like it's on fire and my head is aching. My hands shake as they clutch at her shirt, conforming by body to press right against hers.

"I'm so sorry, Clarke. I'm sorry," I tell her.

"It's okay, Bellamy. You had to. I wanted you to. It's okay," she promises. It doesn't matter. I know she would've wanted me to stay. She would've wanted me to help her, to be with her. And she will never have any idea how badly I wanted to stay with her too.

My chest racks. My body shakes. I am sobbing into her shirt, letting most of her weak body hold me up. I feel the weakest I have in a long time. It is because she is here, safe and okay but I am so scared that she might leave again. I can't handle that.

"Bellamy," she sighs when my sobbing doesn't stop. The fear is too much. I want to talk to her, to tell her why but I can't. I hurt so bad.

"I'm right here, Bellamy," she says. "I'm safe. You didn't leave me. You saved our friends."

It doesn't matter. I still left. I squeeze around her body, letting my lips rest on her neck.

"You're not going to leave again, Bellamy. We can be together now," she says.

I pull away a little bit. I look right at her but keep my arms around her body. I can't let go. Not yet.

"I'm sorry for leaving you, Clarke. If I could do it again…" I am losing the battle with my voice too. It is shaking. I bite my lip and look away, begging the pain to stop so I can get this out. She puts her hand on the side of my face. I lean into it, finally looking back at her. I have no reason to hide.

"I would never leave you."

"I know," she says with a small smile, though there are tears on her face too.

"You don't have to leave again," she says.

I nod.

I had forgotten about the cell. I had forgotten about everything when she was in my arms. Even Echo. For a brief moment I think of telling Clarke everything that I have wanted to. But my heart is still broken, still hurting so bad. I don't think I can quite yet. If she doesn't say it back…no. I can't even think about it without another tear falling down my face.

"Bellamy," she whispers.

"Clarke," I say back.

She puts her hand in my long hair. "You grew it out," she says with her hand on my face.

"Yeah," I say. "You don't like it?" I ask with a sniffle.

"I do," she says. "You're just so much older."

"You are too," I say and put my hand in her hair.

"Still together," she says with a smile.

"Together."

She hugs me again but this time I can tell, she is happy. I am too. The crying has stopped. The pain is subsiding slowly. I think a few more hugs and comfort from Clarke and I might be okay again one day.


	6. Bellamy's injury, Clarke's assistance

**This takes place during season 2. Bellamy goes on a hunting trip and comes back injured but Clarke helps him. Remember, these are all connected so they are more comfortable and touchy with each other in my series than the show, as they have already slept in the same bed, etc. Please review! Enjoy!**

I run into med bay. I stand in the front of the front of the chaos. I wait for the answer to come to me. I hear a loud groan and a painful scream. It's a deep, rough scream, as if he is trying to hold it back. He is trying to be strong. I knew it. Bellamy.

I run to his side. He is laying alone on a cot, groaning in pain and holding onto his side. His eyes are closed. There is pain on his face. Obvious tear tracks run through the dirt and blood on his face. I put my hand in his. He squeezes it when I come into focus for him.

"Clarke," he mumbles.

"What happened?" I demand.

"I was hunting…grounders."

"Trikru?" I ask.

"No. Ice nation. I didn't think we were…" he groans in pain and holds onto his side again, tears falling down on his dirty face. "That far."

"It's okay, Bellamy. Where's my mom?"

"Two others with me. Injured." He is struggling to just speak. He breathes heavily. He turns his head away from me and tears fall down his face again. He is in a lot of pain.

"We drug ourselves back," he manages.

"Alright," I say. "Stop talking."

He tries to smile but he is in too much pain.

"I can help you," I say.

I look down at him. He is still holding his arm over his side. He is sweating so badly. I move his arm but he shakes his head.

"It's bad, Clarke," he says. I can hear his fear. I can see it in his big brown eyes. I can feel it in the way that his thick hands hold onto mine. His mouth is parted just slightly, vulnerable.

"I can help you," I tell him.

He nods.

"I'm scared," he admits.

"I know. Me too," I agree. "But I can help you. We have a lot more equipment than we did before. We can do this."

He nods but he is still afraid. He shakily lets me see his wound. He lifts his shirt up until I can see his side. It is a knife wound. It is bleeding badly. Some kind of yellow and white pus is around it. I put my hand on it and get what I will need. I get the needle and wire, alcohol and gauze. First, I wipe it off with some cloth. He gasps and grabs my hand doing the work.

"Bellamy," I warn. "I have to do this."

He nods and lets go of my hand.

"I have to clean it. It's going to sting. It's going to hurt. I'm so sorry, Bellamy. I have to do this."

He nods. I give him my free hand. He holds onto it tightly. I look right in his eyes as I pour the liquid onto the cut. He screams in pain and arches his back. It should not hurt this bad. He moves frantically, trying to get away from the pain. I stop and put my hand on his forehead, looking into his eyes to calm him.

"That part's over, Bellamy. I have to stitch it up."

"More pain?" he asks.

I nod with my hand in his hair.

"Can't wait."

I wipe it off again before I decide to stitch it up. He watches as I put the needle to his skin. He grabs my hand before I am able to do it and looks at me with fear.

"It hurts, Clarke," he says.

"I know."

"More than other wounds and it's just a knife wound," he says. "Why?"

I look down at it. There is some yellow around the wound. It is on his left side. There should be nothing but muscle and skin and flesh there. He couldn't have punctured anything. He was stabbed with a knife. A knife that could have been poisoned.

"Poison," I say. "Like with Finn's knife wound. But…it doesn't look the same."

"Different poison," he says.

I nod.

His face is getting pale. He is laying almost still now, which is strange. He looks as if he is getting weaker, his body giving up on him. He reaches his hand out to me pathetically, his fingers barely extended at all. I hold onto it and squeeze.

"Clarke," he says. "Something's wrong."

His wound isn't bleeding anymore. It will need stitches but there is still yellow pus around it. I need antibiotics. I need real medicine. I need something with healing properties in it. Wait. Blood. I can transfuse his blood. If it's in his blood, that's how I can get it out.

"What's your blood type, Bellamy?" I ask him.

He shrugs so slightly I wonder if he was even responding to me.

"Princess," he mumbles.

"Bellamy, what is your blood type?" I demand again.

"B."

"B? It's B?" I ask.

"Pos," is all he can mange to say. I run to the other side of the med bay and grab what I need for a transfusion. I put the band around my own arm and stick the cannula in my vein. Luckily, I don't miss. I begin extracting the blood as fast as I can, taking the band off and letting the tube fill up. I wait until it is filled to take it out.

I screw off the needle and attach a clean one for Bellamy. He is losing consciousness quickly. His hand occasionally opens, as if he is waiting for my hand to comfort him. I can't do it so I talk to him instead.

"I am going to help you, Bellamy," I say.

I put the needle to his arm after wrapping the band around his thick bicep tightly. His veins bulge right away, despite his blood loss. I press the needle into his skin and push down the plunger slowly. My blood pours into his veins. When I don't see an immediate change, I decide it was not enough. He'll need more.

I do it again to myself, taking my own blood and then pressing it back into his system. I do this three times before I see him start to wake up. The color returns to his face. I wipe the pus away from his wound. Only a small amount returns very slowly over a few minutes. I set up an IV with regular fluids. This should be good enough for now.

I feel relief hit me when he opens his eyes and turns his face to me. He looks worried though, almost scared. His brown eyes are longing, searching for something on my face. I hold his hand right away and smile, trying to hide the lightheadedness I am beginning to feel.

"I'm right here, Bellamy," I promise. "You're okay."

"Clarke," he says.

He puts his hand on my face. I am surprised by this.

"Pale," he says.

"Oh yeah," I tell him. "I kind of used my blood to rid the infection from yours."

"You put your blood in me?" he asks with shock.

"Yeah."

"You did that…for me?"

"Of course," I say, resting my hand on his chest. He rest his head down further so I put my hand under his chin. He smiles against me. He breathes lightly now, almost as if the pain is starting to go away too. I don't want to inflict more but I think I will have to.

"I have to stitch it back up," I tell him.

He nods.

He only squirms a little bit. He holds onto my hand while I do this with the other one. He is shaking. His body arches up so I stop for a brief second. He looks at me with pain across his face.

"I can't," he says.

"I know. Just two more. It's okay, Bellamy."

He nods, breathing once out of his mouth. He grits his teeth together before locking his hand around the edge of his cot. I begin again and finish as quickly as I can.

"It's done."

The second I say it, tears fall down onto his cheeks. I brush them away with my thumb. He leans into my hand and I let him, watching as he tries to think of anything but the pain.

"It's done, Bellamy," I promise him. "We just bandage it and keep it clean. You'll be alright. If it turns yellow again…even a little, you have to tell me. I'll give you more of my blood and it should finish healing it."

He nods but it is clear that he doesn't like that I did that to begin with. I am glad that I did.

"Thanks, Princess," he mumbles.


	7. Clarke! Nightmare

**This is after they make the list in the bunker. Bellamy and Clarke sleeping in the same bed. Yes, I love Bellarke. Please review or follow! Thanks! So glad to see so many people reading this fan fiction! Bellamy POV.**

Blood drips from my hands. I look down at her wound, pressing my hands to the open cut on her stomach. I press harder but nothing works. I feel tears and pain like never before. But I keep trying. Nothing works. The bleeding won't stop.

"I'm so sorry, Clarke!" I say.

"Bellamy," she mumbles. "You can't save me."

I can. I have to. I have to save her. I press down harder on the wound. I try shoving bandages onto it. Nothing. The blood spurts from her now. Dark red blood from her stomach. She is crying, begging and screaming in pain. She is afraid. She looks right at me.

"Your fault," she says.

"No. Clarke! I didn't mean to," I promise. I put my hand on her hair. Her blonde hair is blood and red now. I press my lips to her forehead. Her eyes look sad. They are turning grey. Her face is turning pale. She is falling deeper into the earth.

"NO! No! Clarke!" I beg. "Please. Please. Oh god. No."

It hurts so bad that I cannot control the terrible feeling I have in my gut now. I'm so scared. Her eyes are fading. She is starting to choke. I put my hand on her chest. I try to sit her up. Her body is limp and floppy. It is almost as if she cannot control anything.

"Come on, Clarke!" I say. "Wake up! Please!"

She is fading. Her eyes are dark. They are fluttering before her breathing goes still. No.

Oh god.

No.

"Clarke! Please!" I beg.

I drape myself over her body. She doesn't move. She is completely limp. She is laying underneath of me, eyes open but not filled. She is dead. My Clarke is dead.

"I'm so sorry, Clarke. I'm so sorry. This is all my fault. I didn't mean to." I pause and cry on top of her lifeless body. "I need you, Clarke. Come back."

That's when I wake up.

"Clarke!"

I am sweating, shirtless, my hair sticking to my face. Sweat is not the only thing wet that drips down my cheeks. I wipe it away quickly and then sit at the edge of the bed. I breathe heavily, attempting to remember how to be okay.

"I'm right here," I hear beside me.

I had forgot that I was asleep beside her. She has a hand on my bare shoulder. I forgot that I came in her room last night when I could hear her dreaming. She needed me and I helped her. She is okay. She is right here with me. We have been falling into each others beds at night to keep away the nightmares. Just yesterday we were talking about the 100 people to live in the bunker. Tonight we are resting in each others arms.

"Bellamy, you're okay," she promises.

I turn to her. She looks sympathetic. She puts her hand on my face, just against my cheek. She rests her hand there for a long moment. I lean into it. I don't want her to stop. She puts her arm around my waist and then leans her head onto my back. She holds onto me and I put my hand on hers. We wait for a moment, listening to the silence between each other.

"Did I wake you?" I ask.

She nods against me. "I don't mind," she says against my bare skin. I forgot that I came here without a shirt on. I was wondering the halls when I heard her. She asked me to stay. We have been staying with each other for a long time now. No one knows. Or if they do, they don't talk about it.

"I'm sorry," I tell her.

"Don't be."

She rests her hand on my shoulder but I wish she would put it around me again. I can't control the pain. I am so scared. I turn around to look at her face. She is unafraid. She is almost smiling. She has a small cut on her cheek. That scar on her forehead never did fade. Her blonde hair is beautiful and curly as it falls on her shoulders and back. Her tank top reveals the curve of her breasts, the outline of her sides, the bareness of her shoulders. But she is not bleeding. She is alright. There is nothing wrong with her. I didn't hurt her. I didn't kill her.

I put my hand on her face. She takes it and becomes concerned.

"You're shaking," she says.

I nod.

"Why?"

"Nightmare."

She nods and pulls me close to her. She starts to lay down but I shake my head. I don't want to lay down. I don't want to sleep. I can't. I'll just see it again. I am still scared.

"Lay down," she says. "I can help you."

I let her. She lays down on her back and opens her arms to me, trying to pull me down…to hold me the way I hold her. It feels strange. I am concerned, feeling like she might be trying to comfort me. I don't want her to think I am that weak.

"Clarke," I protest.

"It's alright."

She lets me rest my head down on her shoulder. She takes my arm and pulls it over to her chest. I hold onto her, tucking my wrist down so that I can feel her as close as I can get. I am scared but feeling her close to me makes me think I might be alright.

Images of her blood on my hands go through my head.

"You're still shaking," she says.

"Scared," I admit.

She pulls the blankets up to both of our shoulders and then puts both of her arms around me. One of her hands plays with the back of my hair along my neck. It has gotten really long. I think she likes it like that. She plays with it there, soothing me as she whispers sweet words.

"You're okay, Bellamy," she whispers. "I'm right here."

"I killed you…in my dream."

Her entire body stiffens. I think that I scared her for a moment. But then she starts moving her hand down my arm and over my bare side. Her hand gets lost in my curly hair. I squeeze her as I feel tears at the brim of my eyes. I beg them not to fall.

"You would never do that. It was just a nightmare. I don't care what happened, Bellamy. You would never hurt me."

I am trying so hard to believe her. I am trying so hard not to cry into her shirt and let her take care of me.

"You are going to be alright," she says. "We work together. We don't hurt each other. I trust you."

I can't. I am shaking so bad.

"You are not a monster, Bellamy."

That's what breaks me. That's what makes the tears fall down my face and my arms clutch harder around her. She holds me back.

"We have both done terrible things. We are doing what we have to do. We are saving our people. But we are together. We always do it together," she says.

I know she is trying to make me feel better. She is right but I am still afraid. Instead of sleeping, I lay on her chest, taking comfort in being with her. I know that when morning comes, I will go back to my room as if this never happened. We will pass each other in the halls as if we don't sleep in the same bed. We will tell no one. But for now we have each other. And it is good enough.

"Thank you, Clarke," I say.

"There are a few more hours of night," she says. "We should both try to get some sleep."

I nod.

"You'd never hurt me, Bellamy. I would never hurt you either."

She rests her head on mine.

"I'll be here when you need me, Clarke," I promise.

"I know you will. You always are."


	8. Bellamy's injury, Clarke's assistance II

**Takes place after Bellamy comes back with that bad wound from hunting. Clarke POV. What do you think, do you guys want a rated M love chapter between Bellarke? Review and let me know!**

I wake up and turn my head to the side. I feel a warm body beside me. Too warm. I sit up and feel his hot skin is sweating but his body is trembling. I put my hand on his shoulder, then to his chest. His eyes open to find me. His mouth is pulled into a snarl. He looks afraid.

"Bellamy. What happened?" I ask.

"I don't know." He pauses and looks at me. "I'm cold."

"You're burning up. The cut from the other day…from hunting. Let me see it."

He turns on his side, revealing the bandage. Just a little bit of blood is shown on the white portion. I peel the tape away, reveling his wound red around the edges with yellow pus oozing from it. I gasp when I see this. He reads it on my face but doesn't look worried.

"Am I dying, princess?" he asks.

"No. But you're not well. We have to get you to medical right away. We'll need to get you more blood, maybe some fluids to balance it out. I might have to cut away the infected flesh if it doesn't work. It should have stopped by now." I pause when I realize how crazy I sound. I try to breathe but my hands are shaking. He puts his hand on mine and looks right in my eyes. I breathe with him, calming myself so I can help the man that I allow to sleep in my bed.

"I'll be alright," he says.

I nod but don't believe him. How could he know something like that? He doesn't. He is just hoping because he knows I will freak out if he is not okay.

"Does it hurt?"

He nods as he returns to his back, not letting go of my hand with his fingers. He clenches a little.

"How long has it been going on?"

"It's always hurt. I thought it was supposed to," he says.

I shake my head at him and get out of bed, trying to bring him with me. I put my shoes on and slip a long sleeve shirt on over my tank top. He picks up his shirt from the couch but he can't put it on. He looks at it and then over at me.

"It's okay."

"Princess…I know we have an unspeakable arrangement here but…if I come out of your room shirtless, it's going to become the hottest topic on earth," he says.

"It's not like that," I defend, feeling my face flush red. He shakes his head with a beautiful Bellamy smile.

"Obviously," he says. "But the rest of the world is not going to agree."

"It's fine," I convince him and pull him toward the door. I tug too hard and he holds his side. I apologize quickly, letting go of his hand. He looks at me with fear. That shouldn't have hurt. He is still sweating, burning even but his body is shaking.

"Do you feel okay?" I ask him. I hadn't realized how pale he looks. His freckles look out of place now on that pale face.

"Not really."

"Let's go."

I turn to the door before he protests.

"Clarke."

I turn back around. He looks afraid.

"Don't tell Octavia yet…not until theres something to tell."

I nod. I don't know why he is suddenly worried about her. We make our way through the halls and down to medical. I don't bother stopping or checking in with anyone when I enter. I have Bellamy lay down on the nearest bed. He is so weak. Walking all of this way made him even paler. He has a hand over his stomach.

"Clarke," he mumbles.

"Right here," I tell him as I get my supplies ready. Jackson comes over and looks down at Bellamy.

"It's still infected?" he asks.

"Yeah. Bad."

"He'll need fresh blood. If that doesn't work…"

"He already has a high fever. He feels cold and he's pale," I tell him.

"Clarke!" Bellamy says again with urgency, grabbing onto my arm. I hold back onto his and lock onto his expression.

"I'm gonna be sick," he says.

I pull the tiny trash can over and hand it to him. He loses last nights dinner into bucket as I rub circles on his arm. I see tears form in his eyes when he sets it down on the floor. I give him small slips of water before he is able to rest again.

"Jackson. We need to do this now. I used my blood last time. We're the same type," I tell him. I hand him the cannula. He presses it into my vein and then extracts as much blood as will fill the first vile. He injects it into Bellamy's blood stream. I want to reach down and hold his hand but I don't. It's almost painful not to. But I know he will pull away. It will hurt him more to pull away than it will for neither of us to do it in the first place.

"Clarke," Bellamy says. "No more blood. You need it."

"My body will make it's own. You need it," I argue.

We do this three more times. Bellamy is less pale and less feverish. But he still shivers. I tell him to rest but he can't. He is still in too much pain. Jackson tends to other patients. He told me he'd check on us in thirty minutes. It passes by slowly. Bellamy is in pain. After just ten he looks to me and his face is pale again. No. I thought this would help him.

"Princess, gonna be sick," he says again.

I hand him the trashcan, feeling so bad for him.

"Jackson!" I call.

When he is dry heaving and practically crying, I grab the bin from him and put my hand on his back. I can't leave him like this. I have to help him. I rub circles on his back and make him look into my eyes.

"Clam, Bellamy. Clam. Just breathe."

He does as I say. He breathes with me and then he manages to look at me. He is afraid but he won't show anyone else. He nods when he can remember how to breathe.

Jackson makes his way over and stops when he sees Bellamy.

"What happened?" he asks.

"The fever is going down. It's not gone. But he's still shivering and throwing up."

"The infection is in the tissue," Jackson says, looking at his wound. He presses his lips together.

"We'll have to cut it," he says. "I have to tend to another patient, Clarke. I can do this in a few minutes but he'll just feel bad the whole time."

"I can do it," I say.

He nods and leaves. I take the scalpel, alcohol and a tin to the edge of his bed. He looks pale again.

"Gonna throw up?" I ask.

He shakes his head.

"What?"

"Just scared," he admits.

I put my hand on his because I know no one is around. No once can see it anyway. He looks scared when I do this. He wants to pull away because we are in public. People will think of it more than it is. But we know exactly what it is. Comfort. Peace.

"I'll help you," I assure. "We don't have—"

"I know," he says. "Just do it."

I nod.

The first thing I do is douse it in alcohol. He tilts his head back and arches his body. He grits his teeth and calls out in agony, almost as if begging himself to stop around these people. No one looks over at him. Many others are in pain as well. They don't want to look at others pain too.

"Alright," I say. "That parts over."

"Do it."

He is determined and not at all afraid.

I start cutting away at the gross infected flesh. I take pieces off while he screams in agony. He moves every part of his body except his leg. It's almost as if he is trying to run away from it but knows he can't. He tilts his head back on the pillow and grits his teeth. Several minutes of this and I am only halfway done. He is fighting tears and screams at this point. He looks to me with his eyes pleading. His lower lip trembles so he looks away, toward the wall. I stop.

I know this is a warning.

"It's okay," I tell him. "Take a break. Just breathe."

He does as I say. For a while, he won't look at me. I stand by his face but he tries to turn away again. I lean down to his ear.

"I've seen you scream yourself awake, Bellamy. This is physical pain. It's alright."

He turns his head to me then with a small smile. He wipes his face off with his hand and then nods.

"Ready for more, princess," he says in his deepest voice.

I nod.

I go back to cutting away pieces of his flesh. He grits his teeth and grunts, but never screams or curses. He won't let anyone else know how much it hurts. When it's done, I drop the scalpel and douse it in more alcohol. He jumps at this and then starts moving.

"It's okay. It's done. Bellamy. It's over," I assure him.

He nods. He can't speak. I understand.

I cover the wound back up with gauze and tape. I sit on the side of his bed by his chest. He is still breathing very heavy. He is shaking so badly I wonder if I need to hold him to calm him down. I know he won't let me. He will face his pain alone.

"It's done," I promise again.

"Thanks, princess."

That makes me think of Finn. I couldn't save Finn from himself. But I did save Bellamy. Maybe I can continue to. Maybe he saved me to.

"Do you feel sick?" I ask.

He shakes his head.

"Cold?"

"A little," he says.

I nod.

"You might need some more fluids to help your body fight it off but…you should be okay now, Bellamy."

"Thank you."

He leans his head close to me and whispers in my ear, "Can we go back to bed now?"

I laugh.

"Are you kidding? Saving the world awaits."


	9. Black Rain Bellarke

**Black rain while Bellarke is on a hunting trip before praimfaya (still living in Arkadia). Bellamy POV. Review and enjoy!**

We stop in the woods when we hear thunder. We had been traveling for a few hours, gathering what meat we can. I didn't think she would come with me but she said that she wanted to feel free in the woods for a while. I wanted to tell her how beautiful that was but decided not to out of fear.

Thunder again.

I turn to her. She looks afraid.

"Clarke?" I ask her.

Then the rain comes. At first I feel a small prick on my neck, then my hand. And then I am being pumped with a burning sensation like nothing else.

"Black rain!" I shout.

She is fussing and trying to cover her head but it doesn't matter. We both make small grunts of pain as we run, trying to get any kind of cover. It's nothing but trees. The rain is coming down harder, burning my skin with every single small drop that lands on me.

"Clarke!" I shout, feeling like the burning is starting to reach my flesh. She grabs my hand and pulls me. I wonder where she is going but then decide that I don't care. The pain is incredible, almost as if it can't be stopped. I run as fast as I can beside her, grunting and screaming. She does the same but is pulling me along since she knows the way.

The rain is in my hair, burning my head and scalp. It's in my shirt, my pants, even my balls are starting to feel like they are on fire. I follow her but realize that soon we are both going to be screaming in agony and all we have is two water bottles of water in each of our bags. One for this and one for drinking.

"Clarke! We've got to find shelter!" I say.

"I know!" she says back.

She is clearly trying but the pain is getting to her to. Her face is soaking wet. Her little gasps of pain and squeals of anger are starting to make me nervous. I squeeze her hand as we run, hoping to take some away from her. She screams out again. It is starting to add up. I can feel it too. My body doesn't want to move anymore. It's seizing up. Running is nearly impossible. Just when I think we are both going to drop, she stops and kneels down, pulling something open.

The bunker her and Finn used to go into it.

Great.

I push that hurt down far into my gut because I don't have time for it. Finn is gone anyway. It doesn't matter. I follow her down the latter and close the top before we have a chance to get rain in here too. It's dark but we don't care. Clarke starts taking her clothes off, giving me permission to by doing so. She strips all the way down until she is standing in nothing but black underwear and a blue bra. I look at her but try so hard not to.

Once my clothes are off and I am in nothing but boxers, I get the water out of our bags. I start with her, though my own body feels like it is on fire.

"Clarke," I say and she turns around. Her arms are over her chest but I push them down and start dousing her in water. I push the water down her body, starting with her shoulders, arms, back. I shiver when my hand brushes over her breast and thigh but I try not to think about it. I know she doesn't think about it.

I do this until she is finally okay, not gasping or groaning or making small painful noises that make my heart clench. She seems to be catching her breath as I go, trying to remember what it's like to feel like she can breathe. I pour the last of her bottle over her hair and help her ring it out. It makes my hands burn so bad, I pull away and wince. She grabs me and then gets the bottle from my back.

"But your hair—"

"Is alright," she finishes for me.

She starts pouring the water and pushing the acid away. I help her, frantically getting anything left of the terrible acid away from me. Her hands graze over my shoulders, back, stomach, pecks, arms and thighs before she is done. We move fast, begging the pain to go away with it. It subsides but does not leave. We need more water. When she is almost done, she puts some of it in my hair and I shake it out away from her. I do this a few times before my head doesn't feel like it's on fire. The rest of my body still tingles.

I find Clarke standing with her hands on her hips, her shoulders moving because she is breathing heavily.

"Clarke," I say.

She doesn't look at me. She looks afraid. My body still hurts. I want more water desperately. I want the burning to stop. I hold back a groan when I feel a drip from my hair fall onto my shoulder.

"Clarke," I say again.

"Bellamy, are you okay?" she asks.

I nod. "You?"

She nods.

We are both lying.

"We need more water," I say as I try to ignore the buzz happening through out my body.

"We can't use our drinking water," she says. "We don't know how long we'll be down here and they don't have any water."

I nod.

I lean against the wall, starting to shiver. The rain and the water and wet hair, standing her almost naked. I am cold. Really cold. But I won't tell her that. Instead, I try to control the shivering. I look down at our soaked clothes that we left scattered on the floor.

"We can't wear those," I say. "And as much as I would love to wonder around the forest in my underwear with you, I think it's a bad plan for when we get back to Arkadia."

She laughs. It makes me smile. I hoped she would get that as a joke and not something more.

"They have clothes down here. They might not fit well but we can wear them before we leave. We should dry off first. Anything sticking to our skin like that is just going to burn worse," she says.

I nod and try not to shiver.

After fifteen minutes of drying off and being freezing, I can't take it anymore. I look for clothes as Clarke is moving the table and couch around. I don't ask as I get out a pair of black sweatpants and a tee shirt for me and a long sleeve shirt and pants for Clarke. When I turn around, she has turned the couch into a bed. I hadn't even realized it did that.

"Nice touch," I say and look at the small bunk bed across from it.

"I could have just slept on the regular couch. I wouldn't have minded," I say as I sit down and put the shirt over my head. She shrugs and gets out one large blanket.

"I mean…why is it any different than in Arcadia?" she asks.

"What?"

I have hope in my chest filled so high that if she disappoints me, I might actually cry.

"We sleep in the same bed there…to help each other. The rain isn't letting up and last time it lasted over six hours. We might as well lay down for a bit. It's not like we get much sleep."

It's almost as if she was avoiding explaining it to me. But I get it. She wants to sleep with me. She wants me to comfort her the way she comforts me.

I lay down first and she brings the blanket on top of us as she lays down. We stare at each other, facing the other person.

"Skin still burns?" she asks.

"A little," I admit, trying not to shiver from the cold and fear.

"Mine too."

I hold out my hand between us, begging her to take it. She does and I feel relief flood my chest, enough to bring tears to my eyes. I blink them away as I interlock our fingers.

"We're alright," she says with a small smile. "Now we just ride out the storm."


	10. Black Rain Bellarke II

**Bellamy POV. Clarke and Bellamy fantasize while they wait for the rain to stop.**

We're laying down. My hand is behind my head and I'm staring up at the ceiling. Clarke is laying down beside me. I can feel her warmth against me under the sheets. Our bodies barely ache anymore. The burning is almost gone. The pain was pretty bad but feeling her so close to me, almost as if the world is slowly peeling away is mending a small piece of my heart at a time. I know she can feel it too.

Peace.

"What would you do if we came down here and everything was safe?" she asks.

"What do you mean?" I ask with concern. I want to respond, tell her everything I have wished that I could say for so long. But that wouldn't let my heart heal. That would take a small part of it away.

"What if we came down here and the Grounders weren't attacking, the world wasn't dying and neither was the Ark. What if we had peace? What would you have done? Who would you have been?" she asks.

That is a dangerous question. It can also be a beautiful one.

"I would have saved my sister from becoming what she is. I would have found a beautiful woman who loved me. I would have married her in the woods. White dress, black suite, flowers in her hair, petals on the grass. I would have kissed her with a vow." I get lost in thinking about it. "I would have built a house out of the ground. I would repurpose the items we had into a bed, a soft couch, a nice kitchen where we would cook and bake together. We would celebrate birthdays and exchange presents that we mad for the other person."

I am already smiling as I think about it. I can't stop the smile. It makes me feel warm inside. My heart is warm. I can almost feel everything being put back together inside of me. Peace. I can almost feel it.

"I would have been happy, peaceful, quiet. I would have loved life."

She turns her face to me and smiles.

"What about children?" she asks.

"Of course," I say with a smile. "I would have had a few. Not just one. I always loved having a sister. I can't imagine what it would be like to have more. Maybe three or four children. A couple of years apart so that they could really teach each other, like O and I."

I pause for a second.

"We can protect them." I realize what I said as soon as I say it. I shake my head. I shouldn't have. I try to fix it. "I would protect them. I would never let anything happen to them or to the woman that I would love. I would make all of their boyfriends shake my hand and give them a good talking to." I smile at that. She smiles too, so big I can feel my heart clench. I try not to let it hurt so bad because I know it will go away.

"I would make sure that my sons were noble and honest and kind. I would make sure that my daughters were strong and safe."

She puts her arm across my chest and rests her head on my shoulder. I can still see her beautiful face. We look at each other. I can feel safety. I can feel warmth around my heart. Everything is okay now. We can be safe if we just stay here in this perfect piece of bliss.

"What about their names? Have you ever thought of that?" she asks.

"Wait a minute," I say. "What about you?"

I want her to feel as healed as I do right now. I put my hand on her back and look her right in the eyes.

"What's your dream?" I ask in a voice so deep and far away, I wonder what happened.

"I would life in a house that was kind of like the outside. I would be with a man that I loved. I would live close to Wells so we could be neighbors. I would teach my kids how to hunt. I would teach them how to love. I would teach them to be the good guys. I would tell them stories, remind them of the beauty of life. I would die their hair when they wanted or played games when they wanted, make up stories. I would pick berries and go fishing, hunting, build our home together. Make it bigger as our family got bigger."

I can feel the happiness in her tone. She thought she might be able to feel the real joy that I feel talking to her right now. She has no idea that I pictured her in that white dress with those flowers in her blonde hair. I stop the thought there, letting it sit in that special part of my brain. Instead, I make myself think of where we are right now. We're okay.

She smiles.

"What about names?" she asks. "You never answered."

"Right," I say. "I don't know."

She laughs and then looks at me.

"Come on, Bellamy Blake. With the names like your family, you have to have some ideas. I mean, you seemed like you really thought about it."

I nod. But I am reluctant.

"We have nothing else to talk about, Bellamy. Your my best friend…more than that. Come on, just tell me," she says.

More than that. I don't know what that means but it makes me smile and hold her a little tighter than before.

"Octavia had a brother…he was sometimes cruel but always made the decisions for his people. He was aggressive but I always loved how the name was somehow elegant, like maybe if he were born in another time, he would've been different."

"What is it?" she asks, curious with a wondrous look on her face.

"Augustus," I say with a smile. "For a girl…I'd want it to be after my mom. She taught me to be good. I would try to teach my children the same."

"Aurora," she says with a smile.

I nod.

"What a beautiful dream," she says.

"Beautiful dream," I agree.


	11. Black Rain Bellarke III

**Bellamy POV. Clarke and Bellamy are leaving the bunker.**

Clarke and I make it halfway home before we start hearing sounds of others. We walk in silence. We are calm, healed. We stayed in there for over 12 hours. It was frustrating but also peaceful. We had time to talk, play card games, learn about each other. We had time to heal, not hurt. If I could just have a little more time with her, a little more time to heal, maybe my heart would make better decisions. Maybe it wouldn't have hurt so bad when the rain stopped and Clarke opened the door for us to leave.

I hear a groan to my east. I turn to it, stopping every movement. I hear it again but it is worse this time, louder. Someone is begging for help. Maybe it is more than once voice.

Clarke looks at me with those beautiful, determined eyes. She outs on her medical face and starts running. I follow her to a patch of green. They are no where to be found. I wait for them to moan again. It takes a while before we can hear them and Clarke is off running again. I follow her but trip on a log. I groan, holding onto my ankle as shocks of pain shoot up my leg and around my foot. I hobble to meet her where she sits. She found them. Two people covered in burns lay moaning from the pain.

Clarke is sitting by the first one. A man and a younger woman. They look like they cannot be older than 25. I look at the woman, kneeling by her side. She is groaning, begging for a release of her pain. Her body is covered in the black rain burns.

"Clarke," I say. My voice sounds broken and far away. I know that I won't be able to get out what I want to ask. Will they make it? What can we do? Clarke looks sad but honest. She shakes her head with a reluctant expression. I wonder what she is thinking.

"Help me," the man says.

They are grounders. Trikru from the looks of it. They are wearing leather, chains, animal skins, boots and are covered in tattoos. They both have weapons attached to them. I should be taking them away. But I have no need to. They can't use them anyway. By the looks of Clarke's sad face, we are going to have to kill them.

"I cannot do anything for you now," Clarke admits.

The man nods and reaches for his knife. I sit up straighter to take it from him but decide not to. He points it at Clarke and I reach over but Clarke shakes her head and takes the blade. He was handing it to her. He was giving it to her to…oh god. Not again. I can't.

"You can," the man says.

Clarke nods, understanding.

"Are you sure?" she asks.

The man nods and looks over at the woman beside him. He holds her hand. She has not moved since we got here. She gasps in pain occasionally but it doesn't matter much. She is barely responsive. I secretly hope that she passes in her sleep so that I don't have to take her life. I don't think I can take more death right now. I was so enthralled with the idea of peace. Living somewhere in a home with two small rooms. Children's laughter in one of them, my body laying next to her every morning when I wake. Making breakfast as she wraps her arms around me. When Clarke…no. I can't. The thought process stops and hurts so badly.

"Her too," he says. "She hasn't spoken in a few hours. I don't think she can…"

Clarke nods. She takes a knife out of her pocket and hands it to me. I take it with shaking hands. I shake my head at her.

"We have to," Clarke says.

She is so calm. So ready.

I press my lips together, feeling tears push my eyes. The woman bellow me suddenly looks like Clarke. Blonde hair. Blue eyes. Beautiful thick lips. Long curly hair. Graceful curves and a spunk anyone can admire.

Clarke puts the knife to the man's throat, just as she did with Adam. That seems like a lifetime ago now. She doesn't give any warning. I put the knife to the woman's throat in the same place. I watch Clarke. Her hands are steady and her face is peaceful. She knows he will be out of his misery. My hands shake so bad I can't even make the knife stay in the same place. My stomach lurches and my lip trembles. I have to bite my lip to force the tears away.

"Yu gomplei ste odon," she says.

She doesn't hesitate. Clarke presses the knife into the man's throat. He chokes for a very brief second and then it's over. He's dead.

She is still for a few seconds. I look down at the woman. She is groaning, not able to speak about how much she is in. I can't do it. I look to Clarke. I can't.

Clarke looks to the girl and then to me. I have the knife to her throat but I can't do it. I can't press it in. I bite my lip when the tears fall. She nods and takes the knife from me, moving me out of her way. I sit beside her, watching as she presses it into the woman's throat. It is barely a second before she is dead.

I look to Clarke. She smiles at me a little and then puts her hand on my knee. I look down at the ground. I can't look at her. I couldn't even do what she asked me to. I couldn't even put the poor woman out out of her misery. I have killed so many people for the wrong reasons. At least this would have been the right one.

"I'm sorry," I mumble. My voice doesn't sound like mine. I sound stupid, weak.

"No. No, Bellamy. Don't be sorry. It's not easy," she admits.

"Then how could you do it?" I ask.

"I work as a doctor. I help people with pain. That was the only way to help them," she says but her voice sounds dark and unpleasant. It is not her usual, beautiful but harsh voice that demands to be heard. This one is shameful. "I guess Wanheda is good at deciding who lives and dies."

"Clarke," I say with a warning. I put my hand on top of hers and meet her eyes. She looks sad now. I didn't mean to make her sad. I squeeze her hand a little.

"You did the right thing," I say. "I just couldn't."

She nods.

"It's okay to not want to kill," she says.

"It's not that," I admit. I want to tell her so badly. Everything in my body is telling me to say it. Just say it. Just three words. They would be so easy once they were out. But I can't. My heart is sad because of it.

"I've killed many people…but I got caught up in peace when we were down there, talking. I just thought that maybe we could have peace one day. No more killing. Homes. Kids. Happiness," I say. I want to say what I mean. Home with her. Kids with her. Happiness would be kissing her when I came home. Our home.

"One day," Clarke says with a smile. "We will, Bellamy. You have to have faith in that."

"I try," I admit. "I was just hoping one day could start a lot sooner."

"Me too."


	12. Bellamy Overwhelmed

**Bellamy POV. The day they get back to Arkadia and Bellamy feels overwhelmed that the world is going to explode again. Clarke and Bellamy decide to go back to what they want.**

Clarke almost died. She put the flame in her head. She could have been killed.

Octavia killed Pike. He was unarmed. She slaughtered him.

Octavia hates me. She won't talk to me. She will never forgive me for what I did. For allowing Pike to kill Lincoln. And she shouldn't have to. I did it. I let it happen. It's my fault.

Clarke told me the war isn't over yet. I am the only other one who knows.

Echo almost killed her. Every time I see her hurt I think I might die myself.

I thought I would get time. I thought I would finally be able to tell her, to be with her safely. I thought maybe Octavia could heal from all of this. I thought that once this was over, the world would be safe again. But no. We're always fighting. I'm always fighting. I have become someone I don't like. Someone who doesn't even deserve Clarke.

I sit along in my room on Arkadia. My bed is plush but I don't deserve that either right now so I sit down on the floor in front of it. I pull my knees to my chest and stare at the blank wall. I start to feel overwhelmed. Every life I have taken, every time I have tried to save someone, it doesn't matter. It is never going to matter if the entire world is going to explode.

And I am going to be left dead.

And so is O.

And so is…Clarke.

Oh god.

I feel tears push the backs of my eyes. I feel the shaking start in my fingers, my hands and then my gut. It's a terrible sensation of trembling and pain mixed together. I bite my lip and let my head fall down onto my arms. I burry my face in my wrists, feeling the tears start to push harder. It hurts my head. I can't focus. Everything hurts too much and now this is all going to be for nothing.

I can't hold back all of this pain anymore. I cry it out. If I can't tell Clarke, if I can't save O, if I can't face Kane, then I am just going to let it happen. I am just going to cry. I don't want to. It hurts too much. It makes my head throb. I can't even think about anything other than getting out of this. I could take Clarke to space. I could convince O to come with us. We could…

Knock on my door.

I get up, wipe my face and realize that I am shaking with terror and the tears aren't going away. My eyes are probably still red. My face is too. I try to get the wetness off my face. I fail but I have to open the door when the person knocks again.

I open it.

Clarke.

She stands with her arms by her sides. That scar under her eye makes me so sad. I reach my hand down, almost as if it might touch hers. She looks at me with confusion. I can't speak. I don't know how to say anything without my voice cracking and everything falling apart.

"Bellamy," she says. She looks concerned. Her face is almost afraid. I bite my lip and look away, begging the pain not to come. It does. It's terrifying. I feel a hand on mine. She smiles at me.

"Hey," she says. "Where are you?"

I shake my head. I can't even speak. It feels stupid. It feels sad. But I cannot do it right now.

"Come on," she says and pushes me aside to enter my room. She pushes the door closed behind her and stands in front of me, waiting for me to say something. Unfortunately, I can't find the right words.

"Bellamy," she says. "Did something happen?"

I can't talk.

I hold my hand out to her. She takes it easily. I need this. I need something more.

"I just…" I can't finish it.

She holds her arms out so I collapse into them. I lean my body down to rest my head and she holds her arms around me. They feel powerful and safe. So safe that I burry my face into her hair. She smells so good. Like earth. The Clarke I know. We stand there for a long time. I don't know how long before we realize we should move.

She brings me over to the bed and we sit down together. She holds her arms around me as we sit together. She rests her head on my chest and I lean back, laying down across the bed. We stare up at the ceiling but feel close together.

"This is going to be over one day," she promises.

I press my lips together. I can't think straight. I manage a small nod at her but I can't say anything.

"And we are going to be safe."

We both lay in the same place for a long time. She tries to convince me that we are okay and that we will be fine eventually. She tells us that we will make ourselves okay if we just keep working as hard as we can to get to the end. But there is no end.

I can't take it anymore. Tears fall from my face and the shaking comes back. It's not just sadness but anger too. I am not going to be alone when the world ends. I am not going to be the only one who dies.

"We did everything for nothing," I say with a small voice. It sounds pathetic.

"No. We didn't. We did everything because it was all we could do. We did what we could for our people," she says, trying to look at me. I hide my face but she tries to move my arm.

"Come on," she says. "We are in this together, Bellamy. I am sorry I left you but I will never leave you again. We are going to get through this just like we solved every other problem before it. This time, you can trust me. We're together, Bellamy. Let's just focus on the fact that for right now…everyone's alive."

I brush my hand down my face with the tears.

"Not everyone," I say.

She doesn't say anything. She just wraps her arms around my body and rests her head on my chest, almost as if protecting me with her body. It feels safe. I let her. I shouldn't but I do because I want to feel protected by her. I wrap my arms around her body, resting my head on hers, protecting her back. I could tell her right now. I could just say it.

I want to so badly.

I almost do.

And then…

"We'll be okay, Bellamy," she says.

I nod, losing the power to say it as we lay together.

"Can we stay together? Like we used to in the tents sometimes?" she asks. "And when I came back…"

"Yeah, Clarke," I say.

So we do. We stay.


	13. Bellarke Love RATED M

**RATED M. I find the making of life more acceptable than the taking of it. RATED M. Bellarke love after the previous scene I Love You already posted.**

 **RATED M**

 **Bellamy POV**

That first kiss is not enough. I lean close to her, pulling her body to me as we kiss. She smiles against my mouth and wraps her arms around my neck. We kiss like this for several seconds, maybe even minutes. Her lips are warm. Her body is warm. Her tongue is soft. Her skin is soft. I can feel all of her close to me, but I want more. I can tell she does too when she leans her face over to my jaw. She kisses down my jaw to my neck. She kisses there for several seconds while my back arches into her. Chills run all over my body. She bites where my shoulder meets my neck. I gasp.

"Clarke!"

She puts her lips back on mine, her hands travel down my back to my butt. She rest one of her hands there and squeezes me. I gasp again, lowering my head to her shoulder. My erection grows. I pull my hips off of her but she knows why. She grabs my hips and pushes them back. I groan when I hit her heat.

"Clarke," I mumble.

"It's okay," she says. "I want to."

I nod. I let her decide what she is going to do next. She kisses my neck again, making me gasp but then puts her hands underneath of my shirt. She pulls it up over my head. I take it off and let it fall to the ground. She looks over my body briefly. I smile at her as she does this before her lips kiss my chest and her tongue finds my lower stomach. I bring her back up to my face and take her shirt off, not wanting to wait a moment longer.

"So beautiful," I say when I kiss her neck.

I look over her round chest, her very thin stomach, the curve of her sides, her pale skin. Her black sports bra is the only thing covering her breasts. I kiss down her neck to her chest and put my hands under the brim of her bra. She nods so I take it off of her. She stands across from me, staring with her arms on her sides. She smiles at me and steps closer.

"Bellamy," she mumbles.

We are kissing again. Her breasts are pressed against my chest. I can feel her hardening nipples on me. I can feel her heat against my erection, which is completely erect now. I push onto her just a little bit, wanting to feel more. But I want this to last as long as it can. I don't want to rush my time with her. I want to feel every part of Clarke Griffin.

After a few more minutes of kissing, her hands go to my pants. She pushes them down, trying to get them off. I don't help her so her hand goes around to the front of my pants. She cups my erection. I push my hips into her. She starts rubbing it from the outside. I look into her eyes, gasping, my chest heaving.

I grab her hand and pull it away, though I want to feel her wrap around me and watch as she pumps me. But I can't. Not yet. I want something much more intimate. And this is our first time. I already want her.

"Why?" she asks.

"I want you," I tell her.

"I want you too," she agrees. "You don't want me to…"

"No, Clarke. If you do, this might not last long. I want to be with you…all the way," I say. It is not hard to say, not like I thought it would be. It is exactly how I wanted it.

She nods. I reach my hands down and lift her thighs up. She wraps her legs around me. I kiss her neck as I lay her down on the small bed. She smiles when I begin taking her tight black pants off. She is wearing black underwear too, the same thing I am wearing since we had to be in kryo. She looks a little nervous when they are off. She pulls at my own so I stand to take them off. I lay right above her, not pressing myself into her quite yet. I don't want her to have to feel it yet.

"I love you, Bellamy," she says.

It almost brings tears to my eyes.

"I love you too."

I kiss her, wrapping my arm underneath of her body and letting my lips find her neck and chest. I suck on her nipple. I feel her arching her back into me. I feel her spreading her legs for me. Her hands grip my back. Her arms wrap all the way around me. She pulls me back to her face so we can kiss again, our lips finding each other as if we have been kissing our whole lives. I have never felt more comfortable, better, more like I am being truthful to myself.

"I want to be with you, Bellamy," she says.

I nod, kissing down her neck and then down between both of her breasts. I kiss under her bellybutton and then travel my tongue and mouth to her underwear. She is so much warmer, wetter here. I pull the thin black underwear off of her, revealing all of my beautiful Clarke. I kiss her again on my way back up to her face.

"You're so beautiful," I tell her.

She smiles at me. Her shaking hands hold onto my biceps while I hover above her.

"Don't be nervous," I say. "We're meant to be together."

"I'm not."

I nod and then take mine off too, tossing them to the floor. I hover above her with her legs spread for me and her arms around my back. I am shaking, nervous but excited to be with her. This is unlike any other sex I have had. This is because I am in love with the woman I am laying down beneath me. I would do everything I have done all over again if it meant that I were to end up here, with this beautiful women as my own.

"Ai badan yu op en nou omun," I tell her.

"I serve you and no other," Clarke repeats with a small smile. Her expression is soft. She kisses my mouth and then my neck, pulling me down closer to her.

"Ai hod yu in," she says.

"I love you too," I tell her.

"I want you now, Bellamy," she says.

I hold myself above her and allow some of my body weight on top of her. She takes it on willingly. She holds my hand that is beside her head. I take m erection in my hand as I begin to push inside her. She groans so I go slow, putting me weight on both of my arms right beside her head now.

"Bellamy," she gasps.

"Hurts?" I ask her, suddenly afraid.

She nods.

I'm hurting her.

She sees my panic and fear and kisses my lips, squeezing my hand. When I pull away, she is smiling.

"Keep going," she begs.

I push in further, waiting until she is used to me. When she is she nods her head. Her breathing is harder. Her body is responding to mine, pushing her hips up into me. We start to move together very slowly. She is warm and wet inside. She is so tight and impossibly perfect around me. I can already feel myself throbbing. I rest my head on her shoulder as I let my lips brush her neck every time I move inside her. She moves with me.

Soon, she is gasping my name. I whisper mine against her ear. Her arms wrap around me. I have never felt so close, so safe with another person before. I push myself up just enough to be able to see her eyes. They are filled with passion and lust. I smile and kiss her lips a few times. She pulls away with a gasp.

"Bellamy," she says.

The way she says my name.

The way she grabs my shoulders and pulls me closer to her.

The way she kisses my neck.

The way she wraps her legs around my hips.

"Clarke," I mumble.

"Bellamy…I…I'm close," she says.

I put my weight on one arm and reach my other hand down between us. I begin moving my hips faster while I rub her. Soon she is saying my name and arching her back into me. She is begging for me. She is biting my shoulder and grabbing the sides of the bed.

"Yes, oh yes," she gasps.

"Let go, Clarke. I've got you."

She does.

I watch as she comes down from her high. This is when I realize that I can't hold on much longer. I put both of my arms right over her, making sure she feels just as protected as I do. I push into her faster. Her legs go around my hips.

"Clarke," I tell her. "I can't hold on."

"Don't."

I look into her eyes when I realize what she is telling me.

"Inside you?" I ask.

She nods.

"Yes, Bellamy. We're together now."

I decide she is right. I don't want to wait. I allow myself to feel everything. All of the beautiful feelings and touch from the moment that I told her I loved her. Every hug before this moment. Every time we reunited. Every moment we held hands. Every night we slept in the same bed. Every together we shared.

I let go, finishing inside her and feeling nothing I have ever felt before. I call out her name. My entire body seizes and clenches as I fall on top of her, letting all of my body weight rest on her. I lay on top of her, still inside my woman. She puts a hand in my hair and another hand across my back.

"We're together now," she says.

"Together," I agree.

"Let's be the good guys."

I look right into her eyes.

"No more jus drain jus down. No more gomplei ste odon. No more sacrificing the few to save the many. No more may we meet again. Just a wonderful life that we get to share together."

Clarke smiles with tears in her eyes.

"I promise, Bellamy."


	14. Bellarke after 04x03

**Bellamy comes into Clarke's room after episode 04x03 when she writes the list of 100 people in Arcadia, Luna survives radiation and they decide to make Nightblood. Please review! Leave comments and if you have anything you'd like to read about them, let me know! Enjoy.**

I tilt my head into her room and see her sitting with her head in her hands. I knock once and then lean on her doorframe.

"I thought I told you to get some sleep," I say with a smile so she knows that I am only partly joking. But when Clarke looks up at me, she has tears on her face and her lower lip is trembling.

"Clarke," I say.

She doesn't respond. She puts her head back into her hands. I take that as an invitation. I enter her larger room. I close the door behind me and sit beside her. My instinct to comfort her overpowers any other thought in my head as my arm goes around her shoulder.

"What is it, Clarke?" I ask.

She shakes her head but I nudge her. She finally looks up at me and I take my thumb under her eyes to brush away her tears. I hate to see her cry. I know she has every right to be upset. She just wrote down a list of 100 people to save. The list she didn't write was that thousands that would die. But those are who she is thinking about now.

"Those people," she says.

"Which people?"

"Floukru. They came here for our help. We couldn't help them. We couldn't help anyone. This problem is worldly and completely out of our hands," she says.

I nod, understanding, dropping my arm from her back. I rest back on my hands and look at her sad face. She looks so broken, like a woman with the weight of thousands of lives on her shoulders. In the light, she is brave and selfless. In the dark, she is dangerous and cruel. She can only see that darkness now.

"There is hope, right?" I ask.

 _Please agree with me, Clarke,_ I beg in my head. I am not sure how much more pain I can take for one day.

"We've failed a lot. I don't know how many more times we are going to fail. But we aren't going to succeed any time soon. It seems like everything we do has fatal consequences."

"Either way the world ends, Clarke," I tell her.

"Either way people I choose, die," she says. I want to comfort her, to tell her that is not true but I have nothing. I stare at her without an expression. I can't give her one right now. I can't find an emotion that isn't curling into a ball and forgetting the world. But I am not Jasper. I will prevail. I will be brave for her. She needs that.

"I heard about Nightblood," I tell her. "There is hope. If we can synthetically make everyone into Nightbloods, we might be able to save everyone."

"Might," she says again. Her smile is sad and desperate. I haven't seen a real smile out of her in a long time. "Everything that we do always comes with might."

"Well we don't have any other options. We can hope this one turns out," I tell her.

"We can but I don't think it will right now. I don't have enough faith in anything to think that we are going to survive this. There are too many variables to everything we are doing," she says.

Her face is scared and tearful again. More tears fall down her cheeks. I can't handle seeing her like this. She doesn't deserve to be so upset. I brush them away and then put my hand on her shoulder.

"Hey, I don't want to see any more tears on that pretty face, alright Princess?" I ask.

She manages a nod but her lower lip still quivers. It breaks my heart. I put my arm around her body to pull her close. She rests her head on my shoulder without my prompting. I want to lean over and kiss her forehead, do anything to make her more comfortable. I remember that she kissed me once. It was a long time ago. But she did do it. I could do it. But the last time she kissed me it was because she was saying goodbye. I am never going to say goodbye to her again.

"We'll figure this out, princess," I assure.

I can feel her nod.

"For now, you need to sleep," I tell her.

She slips her arms around my waist. It makes me feel almost instantly warm. I can't help but smile as I feel her comforting embrace better than any arms anyone could imagine.

"Just a few hours," she says.

"They aren't going to make Nightblood right this second. They are going to make it. You will be there. But right now with the scientists and the doctors trying to figure it out and Ice Nation on our heels, you and I have a few hours to do nothing," I tell her. It is convincing me as well since I want to rest just as much as her body does. I can already feel her leaning onto me, resting her body weight on me. She is so tired that she cannot even hold herself up anymore.

"Come on, Clarke," I tell her, nudging her body to lay down. She turns to the bed and then back to me.

"Bellamy," she says, shaking her head. "We should be—"

"Sleeping because there is nothing else that we can do," I promise her, taking her hand when my arm drops from around her shoulders. Her scared face looks even worse when I stand up. I don't let go of her hand for fear of seeing more of those tears.

"What is it?" I ask her, realizing that something I said or did must have scared her. I feel that realization like a pang in my chest. A knife going directly into my heart. I hate it. It hurts.

"Are you going to sleep?" she asks.

"If you are," I say with a nod.

She looks down at the bed, biting her lip and then back to me. She looks over at the door and starts slipping her shoes off. Clarke climbs under the sheets toward the side of the bed and keeps one side open, staring at me. I look to the door and then back to her, making the decision in a nanosecond. I don't want to be alone either.

I take my shoes off and then my jacket, laying down beside her. She doesn't say anything. She doesn't have to. We never do.

Sometimes I wish we would say something to make this act of comfort honest. But then I think that if we do, we will never sleep together again. And I can't have that. Then I would never sleep.

She nods at me and then curls close to my chest. I wrap my arms around her. The world is coming to an end. But if Praimfaya hit us right now, I don't think I would care. I would rather die in the arms of the woman I love, then live without her.


	15. Surviving by the Fire

**Clarke and Bellamy talk by the fire about surviving. Thanks to ZouZou0517 for this idea! I am getting a lot of views and new readers on here all the time but not any reviews! Let me know if you've got any ideas for OS or few chapter stories for Bellarke or Memori.**

"It's been a long time," Clarke says beside me. I turn my head, leaning my arms on my elbows.

"Since what?" I ask, feeling warm toward her in ways that I thought had died. She has no idea how painful it was for me to mourn her. She has no idea how bad I felt when I was alone in my room, desperate to sleep. But I can't tell her that now. Instead I bite the inside of my lip and look down at my shoes, sniffling all of the emotions that are rekindling after so much time.

"Since we've talked," she says. "You know without someone standing over our shoulders."

I nod. I know it has been. She has no idea how long I have wanted to talk to her.

"Your sister will come around," she says.

I almost laugh.

"Not this time, Clarke. I think this is different. She is different. I don't even know her anymore. Octavia did things down there that no one can understand. She made choices that I will never begin to comprehend. Because of that, we can never be the same," I tell her with sadness lacing every single word. I know what it sounds like. I have lost hope in her. I don't have a sister anymore. That thought is enough to bring tears to my eyes but I keep them at bay. I have had plenty of practice doing so.

"I told you once to give her time. Maybe you have to give her time to get back to herself," she says. "She forgave you for killing Lincoln. She'll forgive herself for whatever it is she did down there."

I look up to her. Her blonde hair glistens in the fire just right, giving it a perfect illuminating orange color. Her eyes are bright and hopeful, despite the darkness that encompass our bodies. She leans over her own knees, keeping her hands crossed together over her legs. I want to reach over and grab them like I used to. But just like all of those years ago, I am too afraid. I keep my hands back, balling them into fists to keep my instincts at bay.

"Forgiveness is hard for us," I say with a small smirk. She smiles back that beautiful expression that brings those emotions back so hard, I am unsure if I will be able to tame them. But in that moment of weakness where I see noting but her eyes, I don't think I want to hold it back.

"But we did it," she says. "And I am sure we will do it again and again because this is the end of the world."

I nod with a small laugh and then move to sit on the dirt ground. I put my arms behind me on the log I was previously sitting on. She looks to me and then follows my lead, pushing her legs out in front of her and dropping her arms on her lap. Her hands look so empty.

Echo comes through my mind and I force myself to think of something else.

"Maybe we have a lot more time than we thought," I say. "There was a time once where I thought you were dead."

"Six years worth," she says with a small, sad smile.

I want to tell her everything but I decide to wait for her. I need her to respond too.

"It was hard," I mention. It is all I can say. But then she looks to me. Her eyes are illuminated the way that they were when I saw her, crying over my sister in the moonlight all of those years ago. At first I had told her to go away. In my head, I was begging her to stay, to tell me it was going to be okay, to be with me in any way that she would allow. I have that right here in front of me.

"But you had your family," she says.

"Not at first," I tell her.

I realize that the truth is going to come out now. It feels like word vomit. I can't just hold this in any longer. It is starting to become painful. And I don't like painful thoughts that are related to Clarke.

She doesn't ask. She just looks at me, waiting, her hair falling into her face.

"I wanted to be alone for a long time. I rarely stayed with them. I just wanted to be alone."

She nods, clearly understanding.

"I was alone," she says. "I was glad that you were alive. I talked to you a lot, throughout the day sometimes, just to at least feel like I could stay sane. I think it made it worse."

I want to tell her but it sounds so stupid, so vulnerable. I wouldn't even share this with Echo. But then again, Echo is not the kind of person I share my secrets with.

"Raven tried to talk to me a couple of times. One time she started talking about Finn like it was in any way the same thing. And I realized that in a way it was. At first I denied her. But then I realized that he was the only one on earth that knew her."

I look up from my twisted hands to her beautiful face. She looks understanding and calm, that expression that shows nothing but acceptance. It makes me reach out. She takes my hand, nodding as he understands my pain.

I don't have to tell her that she was the only one on earth that knew me. She knows.

"I was alone but you were lonely," she says.

I nod. I bite the inside of my lip, unsure if my voice will be stable enough to speak.

"You mourned me for a long time, Bellamy. I am so sorry for that. I tried to talk to you. I never wanted you to hurt," she says.

"I know," I manage and then look to our intertwined hand. "They had to be careful, saying your name around me. I was so sad and I beat myself up over it." I pause for fear of those tears falling. But then I decide that she needs to hear this so I bravely look right into her eyes. "I never should have left you."

"Bellamy," she says, obviously not wanting to hear it. But that is all I wanted to say. "I never blamed you. It was not your fault. You don't have to worry about mourning me or leaving me behind."

"Why's that?"

She smiles, squeezing my hand enough for me to smile, feeling those tears disappear as if they were never there.

"We're together now."


	16. Before Praimfaya

**Thank you to ZouZou0517 for this story idea! Hope you enjoy! I have almost 5,000 views just for this story! Also...I am writing a story about The Ring. It is about their time there, how Bellamy locked himself from the others, how Murphy ended up in a coma, how Murphy and Emori broke up, how Bellamy came out of his pain, etc. And I have written a Memori! Please read!**

 **This is before Praimfaya. Bellamy POV.**

"We both know the world is about to end," I say as we sit across from each other, knowing very well that all of this will be gone soon I wonder if I should tell her. I know I should. But I can't have our last moments of life be Clarke questioning her response to me. Maybe if I have kept it to myself this long, I will be able to keep it to myself until our end.

"Maybe," Clarke says.

"Are you being an optimist?" I ask, almost laughing. I hope she smiles. I want to see that smile.

"Maybe a little," she says with a small smirk. It is not enough to last me very long. But it might just be enough for me to think about when I'm dying and choking on my own blood. I am not even afraid of that thought anymore.

"You have Nightblood. If you survived Praimfaya, you'd survive the rest of it," I say, hoping to any deity that that is true. I can't just let her go. She has to survive this.

"Maybe," she says.

"You told your mom that you could survive it," I say, turning to her but staying constantly worried that we are not going to make it far enough before the death wave hits.

"I know. I was being hopeful for her. You still have hope, Bellamy."

"Yeah. A little," I agree.

"A little might just be enough to get us through this," she says.

I want nothing more than to reach my hand over and touch hers. I think about reaching my hand out but then decide not to. I don't know why I don't want to. I don't know why I can't just tell her what I have been waiting to tell her.

"If we're going to survive this, we are going to need to think hard and long about the decisions that we make. If we make one wrong move up there, we die," she says.

"But if we stay here, we definitely die," I say.

She nods.

"I don't want to talk about that," I tell her.

I reach my hand out across the table. She looks down at it with a considering expression. She looks sad but also accepting. She puts her fingers in mine and looks right into my eyes after staring down at our linked hands. She has tears in her eyes but a small smile on her face. I might remember that too if I don't make it up there.

"Clarke," I say with a cracked voice.

She looks at me, tilting her head because she knows that I have been trying to tell her this for so long.

"When you left, I became an angry person. I searched for you. I begged you to come back to me. I needed you to stay safe. I needed you to be back with me. When I found you, I was relieved. When I lost you again, I lost my mind. I was nothing but angry and I acted on it. Everything that I did was acting on my fear that you weren't with me."

I pause to look at her. She frowns but gives me that perfect look of sympathy that makes me want to hold her as well as cry at the same time. Instead of either of those, I just sit completely still.

"We fought the grounders together. Finn came out to help me because he saw that you were upset that I was fighting. You knew I wasn't going to make it. He told me you cared."

"I did," she agrees with a real smile through the tears on her face. Then she looks concerned and squeezes my hand. "I do. I care Bellamy. I have always cared and I always will."

"We pulled that lever together. We learned to forgive each other. You taught me how to wait for Octavia. We did everything together and when we didn't, we weren't very good at it," I say. She laughs at that, a high pitched quick sound that makes me smile back. "Every time you got into trouble, I was scared for you. When you took off your helmet, I couldn't bare the thought of watching you slowly die in front of me. When Lexa thought you poisoned her, I was never going to let you be hurt by her. When she died, I saw your pain. I wanted to help but the truth is…"

"You didn't know how?" she asks.

I nod.

"You didn't have to. The truth is, Murphy was the only one that said anything to me about her. He missed Emori. My mom didn't even know what to say."

"I should have," I tell her. "I should have said something. You…you're…you're my best friend. I should have known what to say a lot more times than I did."

"Bellamy," she says, shaking her head and leaning forward. "You don't have to do that. We were always talking, helping each other, saving each other."

I nod. I know she's right. I can't count how many times she saved me. Maybe I should have saved her just one more.

"I've wanted to tell you something for a while," I say.

She nods.

"I know," she says.

"What?" I ask, looking into those eyes. I'm scared of what comes next. But her face is filled with understanding and peace. Her smile is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.

"When we were on that day trip and I was shooting. You put your hand on my shoulder. You were shaking."

"You remember that?" I ask with a smile.

She nods with that perfect smile.

"Then again that same day when you talked about your mom and you cried in front of me. It occurred to me later that you had a lot of people follow you but you didn't have any friends. Like me. When I told you I was leaving, you were scared," she continues. "When we hugged. It was obvious that you missed me. When you tried to forgive me for leaving the first time. You were yelling at me and crying because you wanted me to stay with you. You wanted me to care about you as much as you cared about me."

Now I am scared.

"When you thought I was going to shoot you, when you thought I was going to die out there. When I reached for your hand before the AI went into my head. There are a thousand moments that I should have said the things that you couldn't. I never did either."

I am waiting, sitting here terrified and completely still.

"All I am going to say now, is that in this life, we got the chance to be partners and that is exactly what we were. We were very good, strong partners," she says with a nod.

She takes my hand and pulls me forward.

"If the world weren't ending all the time, it would have been my honor to be something so much more for you, Bellamy Blake."

I can feel my own tears brim my eyes with her words. She leans forward and kisses my cheek, leaving a mark that will never leave me.

"But in this life, with the time we have, I think this is all we can be," she says with a sad expression. "So you can say whatever it is that you want to say. But believe me when I tell you, that you don't have to. I already know."

I pull her in for a hug that I hope lasts the rest of my very short life.


	17. Bellamy's Nightmare Season 1

Bellamy's Nightmare Season 1

This occurs after Clarke and Bellamy get the guns from the bunker and she tells him he is not a monster. He sleeps with another girl then wakes up with a nightmare, slowly realizing that he is falling for Clarke.

I wake up feeling like my heart is going to beat out of my chest. This is bull. I get up, tossing my shirt on and leaving whatever broad was in my cot last night. I walk out of my tent and find Octavia sitting by the fire. Immediate relief falls on my shoulder, liberating some of the pain that I still feel in my chest. I touch her shoulder before I sit beside her so I don't scare her.

"Hey," I mutter.

"Your watch?" she asks. "I thought Clarke was on next."

I try to pretend like that doesn't give me butterflies floating around in my stomach. I want to talk to Clarke. Actually, when I walked out that tent, I was hoping it would be her.

"It's not mine. I just…" I can't tell her like I can tell Clarke. I can't let her know. She'll think I'm weak. I probably am weak for feeling so scared about something that hasn't even happened yet. I stutter and decide to start over. "I didn't feel like sleeping, I guess."

She nods but doesn't say anything.

"Then can I go to sleep?" she asks finally, staring down at the fire. I pat her on the shoulder with a small smile.

"Sure, O."

"Thanks," she says, standing up and leaving me alone in the dark. I stare at the fire, the only light that I have and try not to be overwhelmed by the surrounding woods. It's so loud down here. But it is a different kind of loud. People and bugs and animals and wind and water all mixed together to create a loud thud that is the earth's heart beat.

I can feel my shoulders rising faster. I try to relax them but it doesn't work. My breathing remains the same, fast pace that it shouldn't be. I try to remember how to feel okay. I fail. The nightmare finds its way into my head again.

I am staring down at the fire, feeling as if there are hundreds of dead people lurking behind me. They are standing over my shoulder. They have their hands on my shoulders. I almost feel like jumping and turning around. But I should know that there is nothing there. I am sitting alone out here. But I don't want to be alone. I want someone to tell me that I didn't do anything wrong or that what I did didn't kill hundreds. But I can't. What I did killed a lot of people. It is my fault.

I hear a cracking and then a shuffling. I try not to turn around. I shouldn't. It is probably just someone coming up for their shift. But then I hear a loud breaking. I jump and gasp, feeling stupid even as it happens. I turn to the side where I see her.

Her hair is illuminated by the moon. Her face has a soft smile, almost as if she is trying not to laugh. Her eyes are bright and happy, despite the worry that is clear on her brow line. She sets her weapon in front of her and then sits beside me.

"I didn't mean to scare you," she says with that same smile and a small chuckle. I try not to feel hurt. I take a deep breath but it comes out shaking. She notices and her smile fades. I can see her move a little closer to me, sitting just inches away from my own body. I lean forward toward the fire in hopes that the warmth will burn my demons. It doesn't work. I am still internally terrified.

"You didn't," I say. But it is not very convincing. She gives me a look of sympathy, which I hate. I should just get up and pretend like none of this happened. But then she leans toward me and bumps my shoulder, making me look to her. Part of her is trying to be helpful. She doesn't want to feel bad for me, just to help me. I appreciate that, even if I should want nothing to do with it.

"You okay?" she asks.

"Yeah," I lie.

She tilts her head and then looks around her. I wonder why but then decide that it doesn't matter. There is no one and nothing there.

"Octavia was supposed to be on shift," she says quietly.

"Yeah."

"But you're here. I am guessing it's because you woke up from a nightmare and you saw Octavia out here. She probably assumed that you were taking her position and went back to bed."

"Close," I say with a small shrug and a smile. There is no point in hiding from her. I don't want to anyway. "Octavia said you would be here after me, I lied to her and told her she could go back to sleep."

"Makes sense," she says with a small smile. It scares me how much she can tell about a person. She puts her hand on my arm. I want to lean into it so badly but I know that I shouldn't. "Want to tell me about it?"

I shake my head, moving away from her. It hurts but it's the right thing to do.

"Don't do that, Bellamy," she says.

"Do what?" I ask in the deepest voice I can muster. She rolls her eyes and then sits back on her hands, staring down at the fire. I know that she wants to give up on me. She probably should. I would deserve it. But I don't think I can handle her leaving right now.

"Was it the blank faces? Of all of those people that you let die by destroying the radio?" she asks. I try not to be hurt by that. I clear my throat, wipe my hand down my face and then finally manage to look over at her happy face.

I give her a broken expression. She knows that her comment would hurt me. She wanted me to be honest.

"Bellamy," she says. "You're not a monster."

"You just said that I killed all those people. Doesn't that make me a monster?" I ask.

"No. It makes you a survivor. We're all doing it everyday. Even if the choice is a bad one, we make it so that we can survive. You are the best one at that job."

I almost laugh.

"I am the best at killing for a cause you mean?"

"No. Not at all," she says. "You have the most demons because you sacrifice the most. That's not something you need to be ashamed of, Bellamy."

"Maybe not," I agree but she knows that I am lying to myself and to her. I should be punished for what I did, for that I continue to do.

"You should get some sleep," she says.

I nod, knowing that if I go back into that tent, the girl I left there is going to ask questions or I am going to wake up with another set of terrifying nightmares. I give her a look that says all of this in just one simple expression: fear.

She catches on.

"Lay down," she says.

I do what she says, putting my head on her leg and curling my body to one side. I pretend not to notice my heart thudding out of my chest or my hands shaking as they fold together.

"You're okay, Bellamy," she whispers.

"Thank you, Princess," I say in response.

"Any time."

"I'll have to take you up on that," I tell her, thinking of the future where I will be falling asleep in the bed beside her. I don't know if I should tell her or if I should just let it happen on its own. I am terrified of it. But somehow part of me is not afraid. Part of me just wants her to know so badly that I can convince myself to say it one day.

I take a deep breath, letting it out slowly and finding my body relaxing into the ground.

The last thing I hear is Clarke's quiet humming before I am falling asleep in her comforts.


	18. Bellamy and Clarke Comfort

A/N: Here you go a little one-shot about Bellamy having nightmares in season one. Clarke comes to comfort. Tell me what you think! Don't forget to follow The Ring for their journey in the sky! Thanks guys!

I wake, screaming in agony. Then I realize. These are just tents. Who knows how many people heard me? Oh, god. I'm never going to figure out how to satiate them. I'll have to remind them who is in charge. But if they knew that their leader was as weak as I am, they would never follow me. I'm so much older than most of these guys. They should have to respect me. That's all going to be lost if—

I hear footsteps outside my tent. No.

"Bellamy?" I hear in that perfect, sweet voice.

Clarke.

There is so much concern laced within it that I am forced to acknowledge her presence. I want her to come in here. More importantly, I want her to stay. But I have been avoiding that since the first night it happened. I just can't have her staying in here all the time. People will figure it out eventually. Or Finn will ask questions. We just don't have time for niceties.

"Bellamy? Come on," she says.

"What?" I ask finally.

I hear her open my tent so I stand from my cot, letting the blanket drop to the floor as she enters. She stands with her hands down by her sides and a look of unsure vulnerability that crosses her hardened thin line of an expression.

"What do you want, princess?" I ask.

"To see if you were okay," she admits, looking concerned. I shrug and cross my arms over my bare chest, making sure to look as big as I can. I don't want her thinking I'm some kind of weak patient that needs to be treated. I can handle this.

"Well I'm fine," I say in a voice so deep that there is not one true thing about that moment. It's all a lie. Unfortunately for me, Clarke sees right through me.

"I heard you screaming," she admits. "There were two of us on watch. I told Jasper that I would check it out."

"Does he know it was me? What did you tell him?" I ask, realizing that I gave everything away. But I decide not to drop my hard demeanor. I don't want her comforting me. I can't get used to that and then not have it anymore. I'd be broken.

"I told him I didn't know who it was and that I would check it out."

"Then you should tell him everything is fine," I say with a shrug. Clarke steps forward and I don't move. I want her to be closer but I can't show her that. Not yet.

"It's not fine, Bellamy. You're not fine. Tell me about it, I can help. Last time we—"

"No, Clarke. No way. I don't take comfort from you, Princess. I don't need it," I tell her, stepping back and letting my hands drop to my sides. But something on my face must give it away. She makes me feel insanely vulnerable, like standing over a cliff and leaning forward with my toes on the edge.

She reaches forward and takes my right hand, looking at my fingers and then drops them. I let out a breath as soon as she does, not realizing that I was holding on. I want her to pick my hand again, hold it in hers and never let go.

 _Please Clarke,_ I beg in my head, never to say it out loud. _Please just do what I can't let myself._

"Then why are you shaking?" she asks.

"It's cold," I admit.

"Then why don't you have a shirt on?"

"Figured you like the show."

Her face falls into a frown and then she turns around toward the edge of my tent again. I want nothing more than to grab her and turn her around, pull her in for a hug and make her stay.

 _Stay Clarke. Just stay._

"Don't go," I manage.

She turns back around.

"My watch shift will be over soon," she says. "I'll see you later, Bellamy."

As soon as she leaves, my heart is beating as fast as I have ever felt it before. My hands are shaking worse and now my head feels fuzzy. I sit down on the cot and beg for release of this pain. But I know it what form it will come. I don't want to feel that kind. I don't want to cry. I lay my head back on my cot and stare up at the ceiling for a while. Maybe if I just stay awake, I won't have to feel it.

I don't know how long this lasts. It is probably at least thirty minutes of staring and shaking and being fearful before I hear a voice outside my tent again. It shakes me with surprise.

"Bellamy?" I hear a voice outside of my tent.

"Yeah?" I ask this time, not hiding any of the emotion in my voice. I have surpassed that.

When Clarke enters my tent in her jacket and boots, I am so relieved that I thought I might just fall over.

"Just checking on the tents. Everything okay?" she asks.

I nod.

She turns to leave and I get out of bed, standing up. But she is standing by the edge of my tent with her hand close to the exit. I want to grab her, turn her around. I beg my body to move. I beg my hands to touch her, my mouth to say something. Nothing happens.

In a split second of poor decision making, I grab her hand.

She turns around slowly, looking down at it. I can still hear my heart beating so loud that I wonder if she can hear it too. Finally, she looks into my eyes and I stare into hers with that terrifying vulnerability that I hate so much.

"What happened?" she asks.

"Faceless people falling from the sky all around me. Then they stand up…they attack me, beating me and telling me I'm a murder, a monster, a terrible person. When I wake up, I am alone and all I can think is that they're right," I admit.

"Bellamy," she says, as if she might continue but then she stops.

 _Please keep talking. I just want to hear your sweet voice. Maybe then I'll be alright,_ I beg but I know that those words will never be spoken.

"It's another shift. I can leave before most people get up or I can give an excuse as to why I was in here," she says and I realize what she is talking about.

"We can't make a habit out of this, Clarke," I say.

"Why not?"

 _Because I think I'm falling in love with you and it's terrifying._

Instead, I just stare at her without an answer.

"I can go if you want," she says. It is not meant to sound hurtful but the idea of her walking out of here again terrifies me. We have just three or four more hours before others will start to get up. I don't want to spend them alone.

I pull her hand back to my cot and lay down on my side, pulling the blanket back. She kicks her shoes off and lays down with me, resting her back against my chest.

"Is this okay?" I ask as I wrap my arm around her waist.

"Yeah."

I put my face in the nook of her shoulder so that I can smell her hair. I try hard not to smile as I hear her steady breathing and feel it under my arm against her chest. She takes my hand in her fingers as we lay there in perfect bliss.

I shouldn't be getting used to this. But everything about it just feels so perfect, so right.

"Clarke?" I ask.

"Yeah?"

"Thank you."

"Go to sleep, Bellamy."

And so we do.


	19. Biological Warfare

A/N: This is after the bomb on the bridge in season one. Bellamy was still slightly sick after the biological warfare. Clarke is checking on all of her patients. A little Bellarke flirting and trust building. Enjoy!

"Clarke? Clarke?" I ask as I wake. I realize she is not around. I search the surrounding tent and see two other sick faces. We were told we could move back to tents but stay with a few others so that Clarke wouldn't have to be spread so thin.

I thought that the sickness would have been gone by now. I thought that I would have felt better. But I can still taste the blood in the back of my throat and feel the pain in my entire body.

I push myself up and feel a breeze over my shoulders. I hear the tent open and turn my face to the cause of it. Clarke. She shouldn't know that I was saying her name as I woke. She shouldn't know how much I needed her or how much I wanted her to save me.

"Clarke? What are you doing here?" I ask.

"Checking on you," she says with a small shrug.

She comes into the tent and puts her hand on my forehead. She frowns and then grabs a cloth. She puts it to my forehead and wipes it a couple of times. Then she smiles at me as she hands me over a glass of water. I take it in my shaking hands but she notices. I look down at the water and then back to her sympathetic expression.

"Does it still hurt?" she asks.

I nod. "I'll be fine."

I lean back on the cot and hand the water back to her, coughing again as I feel the blood choking in the back of my throat. I cough a few times and then feel it spilling from lips. She puts her hand on my back. I can feel her soothing fingers. I cough a little harder and then spit it out but there's more. I beg her to stay with me. But I choke on some blood. It's thick and tastes of salt and plasma.

"Clarke!" I beg, leaning over my stomach and holding onto it with my hands. But it doesn't work at all. I get no relief from that. I beg it to stop. I cough harder.

It comes up and I spit it out onto the ground.

"Bellamy," she whispers close to me.

I cough again, spitting some more up and then leaning back with my head throbbing. I beg this pain to stop. My head hurts as my throat aches in excruciating pain.

"Bellamy," she says with a small whisper.

I look to her but she is sympathetic. I tilt my head toward her, pressing my lips together as I beg the pain to go away. I thought I was getting better but now it's all starting to hurt again. I thought that most of the pain was going to leave me alone.

"I thought this was over," I tell her.

"Well you look better."

"I feel pretty bad," I admit.

There is no use hiding it. She can see it all over my face. I look to her pale features and find dark circles under both of her eyes. I want to reach over and touch her face but I decide not to. She would just pull away. I don't think I can handle any more pain right now.

"You're better?" I ask.

"Yeah."

"It's just…your eyes," I say, looking to her. I bring my hand toward her face. She lets me brush her cheek, my thumb right under her eye where I dance it along the dark spots. I drop it after just a few seconds. Then she stares into my eyes, looking strange. It is an expression I have only seen once or twice. But I want to hold onto it.

"You should be sleeping, Clarke," I tell her.

"I should be helping you. You're still sick. You should drink water and—" She pauses when I put my hand on her knee. She looks down at it and then back up at me.

"Clarke, only people who died are still sick," I say.

"No. That's not true. The ones who died, did it quickly," she says as if she is actually worried. I squint my eyes at her and then lean my head toward her with a small smile.

"Are you worried about me, Princess?" I ask.

She smiles back.

"A little."

"I'll be fine," I assure.

"But you're worried that you won't be," she says.

"For Octavia. I can't leave her alone here."

"Bellamy," she says, putting her hand on my knee again. "You are going to be fine."

I look to the others that are still asleep and then back to her. I don't feel well but at least I don't feel any blood in the back of my throat. My face still feels warm and my head hurts. But the rest of my body feels alright. I don't feel like passing out or falling over.

"You just need to rest and drink water, Bellamy," she assures. "Eat something when you can. You have to get your strength back. If you still feel weak by tomorrow, I'll give you a blood transfusion."

"With what? How?" I ask, feeling worried. I don't like the idea of someone else's blood going into my veins.

"My blood. Universal donor," she says. I give her a nod but I don't like that either.

"Let's just hope I'm fine," I agree.

I lay my head back down and look up at the top of the tent. She stands up and looks at the other two. I can feel sleep starting to take me over quickly. I curl onto my side and turn to her.

"Clarke," I beg.

It sounds stupid but I don't mean it too. She turns around and I reach my hand out.

"Are you okay?" she asks.

"Yeah. You should sleep."

"I have to check on the others," she says.

"We need you, Clarke. So you need to have some strength. Stay alive, Clarke. Get some sleep."

"Maybe later," she says with a shrug but walks closer to me.

"Come on, there's an extra cot right there," I say, pointing to it. She sits down on it and then looks to the exit of the tent. I know she wants to help everyone but at what cost? We do need her alive. She is the only medic we have.

I try not to admit that I personally need her alive too.

"Clarke?" I ask.

She looks to me.

"Sleep," I beg.

She rests her head down and stares at me from across a few feet. I can feel my heart aching for her, to be near her. She reaches out and presses her hand to my forehead. I close my eyes and fall asleep with the feeling of her close to me.

That is the first night I dream of Clarke Griffin.


	20. Grieving our Parents

**A/N: Bellamy comforts Clarke after she thinks she loses her mother when the exodus ship crashes. She does not yet know that her mother is alive. This is in season one, the night right after it happens. Bellamy POV. Enjoy! Please review and give some requests?!**

I know I shouldn't be doing this. It's too dangerous to be out here in the open in front of Clarke's tent. But I just want her to know that she is not alone. She has to feel that.

Octavia walks past me and over to her tent. I wait until there is practically no one out of their tents. I don't think I can do this without being alone. I want to. I want to be proud of holding her by my side but I know that is not what she wants. So instead I am going to make sure she is alright. I am going to at least try to make her okay.

I make myself walk into her tent. I find Clarke with her head in her arms and her body scrunched in on itself. The image makes my heart break in my chest.

"Clarke," I mutter. It sounds just as terrifying as she probably feels. I want to reach out and pull her into my arms, protect her from the outside world that has hurt her so badly. Instead, I stand still, staring at Clarke with an attempt to be helpful.

"Clarke?" I ask again.

She finally looks up. She wipes her face off and sniffles. She pushes herself to stand, obviously trying to be strong and then makes her way to standing right before me.

"Are you okay? Is something wrong?" she asks.

"No. No. Everything is fine." I pause. It's not true. Noting is okay but she needs help. I am going to make sure that she gets what she deserves. "I came to check on you, Clarke."

She looks bewildered and somewhat concerned. I want to reach out so badly but then decide not to.

"Clarke?" I ask.

"You came to check on me?" she asks.

I nod.

"Are you going to ask if I'm okay? Cause I'm not," she says. There is a bit of anger behind her voice that actually makes me want to grab her and hold her close.

"I know," I assure. "I wasn't going to ask that. I was going to ask if you'd like me to stay."

"What?"

I wonder if I have gone too far or if I said something that she didn't like. I want to take it back. I wish someone would tell me exactly what to say around her.

"I could stay here and help you if you'd like," I offer again.

"No. I'm fine."

"Clarke," I say with a small smile. I lean toward her and hold my hand out. I can't help it. She looks down at it and then back at my confused face. Finally, her fingers rest against my palm. I let myself pull her closer to me as another tear falls down her face.

"You are not okay," I say.

She shakes her head.

"You don't have to be," I promise her. "I lost my mother just a few months ago."

Her eyes squint and her head falls back a little to look up at me. I guide her back to her cot. I make her sit beside me. We aren't touching but I can feel her heat she is so close. It is comforting. She notices my trembling fingers and brushes her thumb against them. It sends a shiver down my spine so powerful I wonder what it would be like to really feel her skin against mine. That kind of feeling must be incredible.

"I feel so alone," she says. "An orphan, Bellamy. I am only sixteen. I don't have anyone to tell me what to do, to guide me, to help me, to teach me, to be with me."

I sigh and scoot just a little closer so that our shoulders can brush against hers.

"Me too," I agree.

"You're an adult," she says.

"You are too. You aren't a kid anymore. They sent you down here to die and you became their leader. You are not a kid, Clarke. You haven't needed your mother for that reason for a long time. But you can be sad about losing your mom," I say. The last sentence is very quiet. I watch as she rests her chin on her chest and bites her lower lip. Tears fall down onto her lap. "She's your mom, Clarke."

She nods and looks up at me with tears all over her face. I thought that maybe she would be ashamed of her sadness but she isn't. She is naturally allowed to feel this way around me. I love that she trusts me that way. I love that she doesn't move when I put my hand on her shoulder. I try hard not to smile.

"What did you do when your mom died?" she asks.

I swallow hard. If she is going to be strong and allow herself to be vulnerable in front of me, I can do the same thing.

"I cried," I admit.

She nods.

"I screamed. I threw things…but mostly I just cried a lot. I cried for Octavia, who lost a mother too young, for myself who lost someone that trusted me, for her because she died too young."

I can already feel that sadness coming back to me. I sniffle and remind myself to breathe hard and forget that feeling that is rising in my chest so high that it might come out at any moment.

To my surprise, Clarke rests her fingers on top of mine. We are almost holding hands. Not quite. But in my head, I know that I am going to remember this moment forever. Feeling this amount of comfort and sharing it with her will not likely be forgotten.

"We're all orphans down here," she mutters.

"Maybe," I agree. "But we have each other."

She gives me a very small smile.

"Thank you for coming here, Bellamy. It means a lot that you want to help."

I nod.

"You don't have to thank me. I want to help you, Clarke. We work together here. We're friends."

She chuckles quietly.

"Friends," she says as if testing the word. I am not entirely sure that it is true either. But we are close. We are something. Maybe friends is the right word for now.

"Does it ever get better?" she asks with sadness on her face again. Her eyes fill with tears.

"No. But it does get easier. You never forget losing a parent, Clarke, especially someone you never got to say goodbye to. But it does get easier." I pause and then make sure she is looking into my eyes. "I am so sorry that you lost both of your parents, Clarke. I know you feel alone. That's not fair. I promise you that as long as you are by my side, you will not be alone, Clarke Griffin."

She gives me a tearful smile. Her fingers clench mine.

"Stay?" she asks.

So I do.


	21. Nighttime 02x05

**Bellamy and Clarke spend some time together at night while Octavia is sleeping before they go to find Finn in the morning. 02x05.**

"Are you okay?" I hear from behind me. I turn around to see Clarke's pretty face. She is beat the hell up but still beautiful. She stares at me with a small smile. She holds her hand out and I take it, letting her help me up. I take a deep breath to rid myself of the nightmares that were just flourishing through my head.

"When was the last time you slept through the night?" she asks with a smile, sitting right beside me. I smile back at her.

"Sixteen years ago before Octavia was born…before my mom was pregnant," I say in response. It is a half joke. She smiles back at me but understands that I am being partially serious.

I stare at my sister who lays across from me. Her eyes are closed and her body is restful but her face is hard in expression. Her hair is just like a grounder. She even has some articles I have seen them wear before. It is strange to see her dressed like them.

"Seriously," she says with a shrug.

"I haven't really slept I guess," I admit.

"You can. I can keep watch for a while."

I look to Octavia and then back to Clarke. I shake my head. She knows what I am trying to say. We can't sleep how do when we have the closure of the tents.

"How was sleeping alone, princess?" I ask with a joke at the end of it but she knows I am being serious. I want to know if she can sleep without me. I don't think I can sleep without her.

"Sucked," she says with a nod. I hate that. I lean down and put my hand to her leg. We both look over at my sister and then back at each other. It's stupid so I let her go, putting it back in my lap.

"Yeah," I agree. I brush my hand across her face, over the bright red mark under her right eye. It has stitches in it, I notice. It must have been pretty bad. I try not to feel the fear in my chest when I realize this. "What exactly happened to your face?" I ask her.

"You know, just me being me," she says with a dismissive hand.

"Come on," I say, nudging her.

"Anya and I didn't get along. We fought a lot. I was her prisoner. Then she was my prisoner. When she woke up, I was screwed. We fought and I almost killed her but I let her live. Anyway, it didn't go well."

I nod.

"Does it still hurt?" I ask, brushing my thumb under her eye. She nods very small. I drop my hand and let it stay on her leg. She smiles when she looks down at me.

"You should sleep," she says.

I shake my head.

"Why not?"

I look to her because she knows that I don't want to tell her why. I don't want to make her understand that I am scared to be alone when I sleep or that I am going to have nightmares.

I shrug.

"You, uh…you said my name in your sleep," Clarke says.

My face flushes and I drop my hand. I look down at the ground, at my feet, studying them and staring. I feel her hand on my back. I lean back just a little to feel her warmth.

"Was it a good dream at least?" she asks.

I shake my head but I cannot look to her. I can hear my heartbeat in my ears. It hurts.

"Nightmare?" she asks.

I nod.

"Tell me. What was it about?" she asks.

I finally make myself look at her. I rest my head back on the log behind me. I put my hand out and she takes it, not even questioning why. That is another thing I love about her. She wants me to be close to her and she is not ashamed of it. At least, not around me.

"Losing you. I didn't know where you were. For a while…I thought you were dead. I hoped you were alive but I was terrified that I was going to do this on my own. Lead them on my own. Face nightmares on my own. Face Jaha on my own. I couldn't bear the thought of being alone out on this earth."

"You wouldn't have been alone," Clarke assures. "You have Octavia and Finn, Murphy and—"

"Clarke," I say, looking right into her eyes. She stares at me, not leaving my face.

"No one else even knows that I have nightmares. When I walked around the camp, I didn't want anyone else. When I was scared, I wanted you. When I'm sad, I want you. When the world is coming to an end all over again, I make sure you are safe."

Her eyes look bewildered.

We hear Octavia move. She rolls over. I move my hand from Clarke's and sit straight up. Octavia's eyes are still closed. She settles back in as if she never moved at all.

I lean back on the tree branch.

"I understand, Bellamy," she assures.

I look back into her eyes.

"You have no idea how badly I want to sleep, Clarke. Under the stars, wrapped in each other's arms, keeping the bad things away. But we can't. We can't afford that."

She nods.

"Just stay close, Bellamy," she says with a small nod. "No matter what life brings, we'll manage."

I nod.

"You know, sometimes I understand why Finn did what he did. I understand how desperate he is. The truth is…if he wasn't, I would be," I admit. "He just wants to find you."


	22. Hug Me

**After they pull the lever, Bellamy and Clarke have a moment. Season 2 finale. Bellamy POV.**

"Let's go get our people," Clarke says.

I can feel the tears pushing on the backs of my eyes. I can feel my hands shaking at my sides. I am standing completely still. Monty gets up and begins to walk away. I can hear his footsteps. I want to make my legs move toward him but I can't. It's not working.

They won't move.

I watch as Clarke turns around. She wipes her hand down her face. I see tears still resting in her eyes. She sniffles and takes one step forward. Her eyes are locked ahead of herself, always looking to the next task, the next thing to do.

But then she stops. She is standing right beside me. I can feel her warmth on my own side. I want to lean close to her. I want to wrap her in my arms and never let her go.

They were going to kill Octavia. My sister. My responsibility. I love her more than anyone. I would kill hundreds to keep her alive. I never realized that I would have to make good on that.

They were going to kill Abby. I couldn't see Clarke watch her mother die. I just couldn't. She already lost her father. I know what it is like to lose a mother. Your entire world feels different. Suddenly, no matter how bad it hurts, you are all alone. You can never take that feeling back. I can't let her go through that.

They were going to kill Raven. We need her to survive. Plus, she is a good person. She is always looking out for everyone else. She is a survivor. If she dies, our spirit dies with her.

They were going to kill Kane. Without a leader, we are anarchists. We ended up killing each other last time we let that happen. We need order to survive the right way.

They were going to kill all of my people. These are the same people that I have fought to protect since the day we landed down here. I can't just leave them to die. These are my people. It is my responsibility to take care of them. Even if that means destroying someone else's people.

"We just killed almost four hundred people," Clarke mutters.

I want to tell her that we just saved our people. I want to tell her that I need her and to stay with me. I want to tell her a hundred things but all of them die on my lips. I take in a shaking breath and realize that I can't handle what I just did. Neither can she. We are just children, playing warriors in a hell we know nothing about.

I feel tears reach their breaking point. There is nothing I can do to stop them now. I let them fall as I blink. I cry real, terrifying, wet tears down my face. I wish that I didn't. I wish that I could hold all of this back but I am not that strong.

I want to tell her something to bring her closer to me but my mouth won't move. My body won't lean toward her no matter how badly I might need her presence.

"Bellamy," she whispers.

I turn my head to her slowly. It is so slow that I wonder if I can ever move it back. My neck hurts. My body aches. My eyes feel tired. Everything feels as if it might crumple. My legs begin to shake. I don't know how much longer they will hold up my frame.

"What do we do?" she asks.

I shrug.

I have no idea. I wish that I did. I wish that I could help her. I can see the tears on her face but there is nothing I can do.

"Bellamy," she says again with more tears.

I open my mouth but no words come out. I beg them to but I get nothing but fear and tears. I hold my hand out. Even the smallest movement feels wrong. I am living and breathing while I killed children. I took the lives of those people.

Then I know what I need. It won't make anything better but it will be enough for now.

"Hug me," I beg.

Her face breaks and she nods. She wraps her arms around my waist, resting her head and chin on my chest. She buries her face into my chest and I keep my arms around her entire frame, squeezing her closer to me. I put my head on her shoulder, leaning down so that I can conform my body to hers. It is not perfect. It is sloppy. We are both scared and crying. We are both tattered and worn. We are both in an amount of pain that we never thought possible. But we are here.

Together.

"Thank you," she mumbles.

I can't speak but I would ask her for what if I could. Instead, I close my eyes and hold her tighter. She doesn't seem to mind, snuggling her head into my chest again.

"For not letting me do any of this by myself," she says.

I kiss the top of her head.

I wish I could see her reaction but there is no time for that. We have to focus on what we have to do next. All I want is stay here and let her hug me everyday forever. At least then, things might be okay. Things might not feel so terrifying. Instead, I am shaking with terror.

Clarke keeps herself close to me, not letting go for a few minutes. I know that we have to move on, that we have to get our people and none of this is over.

"Clarke," I mutter.

She pulls away and I wipe my face off. She does the same, trying to smile a little bit.

"Thank you," I say. "I don't know what I would be without you."

"Lost," she says. "We'd be lost without each other."

I nod in agreement and she tugs on my hand.

"Let's go get our people back," she says.

We release hands as soon as we see Monty. I clench my hand into a fist instead, wishing that we were still hugging.


	23. Bellamy and Gina

**Gina and Bellamy in bed talking about Clarke. My dear friend and loyal reader ZouZou0517 has requested something similar. Hope you enjoy!**

I collapse on her chest, breathing hard and letting all of my body relax on her sweaty form. I rest my head on the pillow beside her, pulling myself over so that she can curl into my side. I stare at the ceiling for a while, listening to the sound of her breathing.

"Is everything okay?" she asks against my side. I pull the sheet to cover us both up to her chest. She rests her hand on the center of my chest while I let myself play in her hair. I try desperately to keep my thoughts here and now with her.

"Yeah," I mutter.

"Well…you didn't seem _with me_ there…at the end," she says quietly. I take a deep breath that she can probably feel. She looks up at me with that honest Gina face that I like so much. She presses her lips together and then sighs, sitting up so that I have to look at her.

"What do you mean?" I ask her, pretending to play clueless. I know that I am not clueless. I know that I am supposed to be knowledgeable about our sex life. But honestly, I'm never thinking about just being here. Ever since she left, she hasn't left my head.

"You just seamed distant, like you were somewhere else…or with someone else," she says.

"No. No. I was with you," I assure but I don't sound very convincing. I know that.

"Bellamy," she says, putting her hand on the side of my face. "It's okay. Just tell me."

"Sorry," I say, throwing my head back on the pillow and staring up at the ceiling. I rest my hands over my chest and watch the blank ceiling, wishing that it were stars like when Clarke would rest her head on me and we would talk throughout the whole night.

"What for? Where were you?" she asks.

"I don't know…lost, I guess," I answer.

"Lost?" she asks with a small smile. I only look at her briefly and then back at the ceiling.

"Clarke," she says with a shrug.

I shake my head.

I don't want to admit that she is on my mind all day and night. I have missed her more than anyone knows. I have felt hallow without her. I have been alone in my nightmares about killing all of those people. Every time I see Jasper, I think about what I did to his girlfriend, how bad he feels and that I made him this way. It is not just him. All of them. Clarke and I annihilated an entire faction of people. We did that together. Monty, Clarke and me. But I am alone here.

If Monty feels bad about it, he doesn't say anything. Clarke would normally find me and help me through the pain, help me talk about the nightmares. But when Gina asks, I ignore her. When I wake, screaming Clarke's name, I hope Gina isn't around.

"You're worried about Clarke," she says.

I don't have anything to say to that. I am not just worried about her. I am scared for her. Terrified even. I wake up from dreams where she dies. I find her black and blue on the dirt of the ground. I find her with a spear in her chest from Ice Nation. I find her hanging from her feet, bled out on a tree. I find her whispering my name, blaming me for her last painful moments before she succumbs to death.

"Yeah," I mutter.

"Bellamy, you can talk to me about her," she says.

I turn to her, holding her face in my hands and pulling her closer for a kiss. I kiss her carefully, allowing her soft lips to respond to mine for a few seconds before I pull away.

"You are too perfect," I say.

She offers for me to talk about my problems when she just said that I wasn't _with her_ during sex. She is too selfless for me. I know I don't deserve her.

"You miss her?" she asks.

I nod.

"Did something happen between you two?"

"No. No. It was never like that."

She nods, understanding as always. Her perfect expression turns to sympathy as she leans forward.

"She was your best friend. You're allowed to be worried about her, to mourn her while she's gone," she says.

I jump up and turn around to look at her.

"Mourn?" I ask.

"I mean, mourn her presence since you two were so close. You did everything together. She was the one who always helped your decisions. I understand."

I nod.

"She could be dead," I say quietly. It hurts so badly that I have to hold back tears. I swallow hard and close my eyes. I feel a hand on my shoulder but it doesn't mean anything. It is not the hand that I want. I don't want to offend her. I want to lean on her because this pain is something that I cannot ignore.

"She's strong. She is not dead," Gina says.

"What if she is?"

"She's not. She doesn't want to be found so she won't be. She knows what she's doing. She knows better than anyone here," Gina says.

"And if she gets caught by the grounders or someone that doesn't know we aren't enemies anymore?"

Gina puts her hands on either side of my face so that I have to look at her.

"Bellamy, Clarke is a warrior. She is strong. You can't worry about her. It's not as if you can change anything."

I nod.

I lay back down and open my arms to her. She rests her head back down on my chest and her arm across my body. I hold her there, remembering how Clarke would lay like this on my cot in my tent and leave before anyone noticed.

I try my best to think about the woman in my arms when she starts kissing my neck and trailing her body across mine. It is not long before she wraps her legs around my waist and I kiss her back. I try so hard to focus on her, to be with her in this moment.

This time, there is no question.

I like Gina. She is special and honest and selfless.

But she is not Clarke. Every movement, every touch, every caress, I am thinking of the blonde woman in my hands so much so that when it ends, I am afraid that I might call out her name.


	24. Bellamy Alone

**A/N: Bellamy is alone after Clarke left in the season 2 finale. He is angry at her for leaving and facing his nightmares alone...**

She could be anywhere. That is what pissed me off the most. She could even be here but it doesn't matter. She is not going to make herself known until she wants to be found. She has no idea what she is doing to me, leaving me alone out here.

I stumble out of my room, wiping my hand down my face and hoping it rids me of any tears or sweat that might have mixed together in my screams when I woke from watching Clarke die for the thousandth time in my nightmares.

I lean on the side of the door, catching my breath before stumbling down the hall into the open air. At least it smells like Clarke out here. God, I miss her. I sit down on the ground and pull my knees up to my chest as I stare out into the darkness. It is not the same without her.

She should be here. She left me to deal with all of this on my own. How is that fair? How can she sleep at night knowing that she left me alone to hold this weight by myself? This is her fault. She should have just stayed with me. We could have solved this together. We could have made each other feel better. No.

Instead I had to sleep alone. I have to deal with everyone alone. I have to vote without her input. I am not even in control over here anymore and it's her fault. Without her support, I am not their leader. They never wanted me without her.

How could she leave me here without any support? I am alone. She left me alone.

And I hate her for it.

But I also love her for everything else and my brain is thrown into confusion because of it.

I push myself into a standing position when I realize how stupid I look. There are a few guards but they barely pay attention to me as I walk around the grounds, feeling cold and uncomfortable. I guess I should have put on a shirt before I left my room. But it just felt so empty. It felt too big, too largely empty without her.

I realize now where I thought I was going to go. I was going to see Clarke. But she's not here. She left me to deal with my nightmares on my own. I wanted to climb into her bed. She always welcomed me like a child seeking comfort. But she was always in the middle of one of her own problems. I found myself giving her comfort just as much as she gave me. We would find some kind of normalcy in each other but now it is as if none of that ever mattered.

Not only did she leave me to myself, she made me worry. She made me have more worry than I already do.

I am constantly scared that she is out there alone, just waiting for some angry Ice Nation to come our way. She is risking herself all the time and for what? For nothing.

She is out there alone because she chose to leave me. I would never choose to leave her. I would never choose to be away from her. I would not leave her to deal with her pain alone. What made me deserve to deal with mine? Why did I have to feel the brunt of this?

As I feel myself getting angrier, I realize this is not going to end well. I turn to the side of the metal where I can find the most metal of the ark. I punch it once and feel nothing. I punch it again. I scream with it this time. It doesn't make me feel good enough.

I walk down further and punch it again. It doesn't do me any satisfaction but it is what I want. I want to feel that kind of pain. I punch it a few more times before I feel as if I might actually break my hand. I stop and turn around to let my body fall back on the side of the metal. It is enough to hold my falling weight.

"Well that was dramatic," I hear from beside me. I turn to see my sister standing in nothing but her tank top and black pants. She has on grounder boots and her hair is still in braids. She is carrying her sword with her but not covered in grounder garb like she normally is. She almost looks like my sister again.

"Hey, O," I say.

"What the hell was that?" she asks.

"Nothing. I'm fine."

"You sounded fine," she says, leaning next to me. I let myself lean on her shoulder a little. It's almost as if I can feel her leaning back on me. I appreciate it.

She wraps her hand around my arm.

"What was that about?"

I shrug.

"Just tired of being alone, I guess," I admit.

"You mean without Clarke," she says.

I don't want to get angry again, not in front of someone that I love so much. But I know that I will if we keep talking about her. She infuriates me. But that is part of why I want her back so much. It is mostly why I need her back.

"She left me alone in this, O," I say. "We did it together. We promised to stay together and then she left me to be here with all of you, being reminded everyday what I did to keep you alive. We can't regret it. I would never regret saving you. But…"

"But you wish Clarke would've felt the same way and stayed hear too? Then at least you could have someone else to understand?" she asks. I nod and bite my lip. She leans her head on my shoulder as we look out into the night sky.

"You aren't alone, big brother. You still have me."


	25. Gina and Bellamy Nightmare

**Gina saves Bellamy from a nightmare about Clarke. Early Season three.**

She's right there. She kissed me. I could reach out and grab her arm, turn her back around. I can even see it. I'm holding her body in my arms, wrapping my arms around her waist. Then I pull her close and kiss her on the lips. Her lips are dry and cracked from being dehydrated but mine are worse. She doesn't mind it as she kisses me back. We hold each other for a long time as we kiss.

I pull away from her, keeping my arms around her body and my hands on her small back. Our eyes look into each other for a long moment. I can see her start to tear up.

"We are going to stay together," I tell her.

"No…we're not," she says anyway but his voice sounds terrible. It's even scary. It doesn't sound like her. It sounds like she is very far away already, as if she has already left me.

"What? Of course we are. Clarke, you can stay now. We don't have to hide from anyone. We can be together. We can care for each other like we always have," I say, begging her but there is still a smile on my face. I can still feel that hope in my heart. But I don't see that hope reflected in her eyes at all.

"Say it, Bellamy," she says.

"What? Say what?" I ask, confused. She looks very serious, almost as if my answer to this question decides our fate. But that doesn't make any sense. Did this happen?

"Say it," she begs.

"What? Say what?"

"You know," she says.

But I don't. She turns around with a sad expression on her face and walks away into the dark woods. I want to go after her. I want to take her hand and pull her back, make her come back inside with me. I know she won't go for it. Nothing is going to work now.

"I'm so sorry," I whisper to myself.

I wake up with a dreadful feeling in my heart. I clench the sheets beside me and feel flesh under my touch. I almost forgot she was laying beside me. I roll over and find her awake and curious. She is looking to me with a sad expression that almost scares me.

"What?" I ask.

"You were having a nightmare," she says, putting her hand on the side of my face. We haven't known each other well or for very long but somehow she can understand me so well already. I wish that I could be just as worthy of her.

"Yeah," I say. "I'm fine though. Better now that I'm here with you."

I try to play it off with a smile and a gesture. I put my arm around her waist so that we can be closer. She smiles a little but I can tell that she can see right through me.

"Was it about Clarke?" she asks.

I don't want to answer that.

"I heard you say her name in your sleep. I know that things are hard for you right now, Bellamy. You worked with Clarke for a long time. You can talk about her with me," she admits.

I don't want to say anything to her about Clarke. I don't want to tell her that I let her go.

"Just let it go," I say.

"Bellamy," she says, putting her hand down my face to my hair. She curls my hair in her fingers. I try to relax under her touch but I don't know how much I can with Clarke still on my mind.

"She could be anywhere," I finally say.

"She's strong."

"Yeah and she's stupid," I say. "She makes bad decisions when she thinks that she can do things she has no right being a part of. She'll get herself involved with grounders or something. She knows how to be in trouble more than anyone I know."

She lays beside me with a small smile on her face. She looks so gentle and careful that I wonder if she listens to anything that I said at all. But when I see that glimmer of something different in her eyes, I know that I am wrong. She did listen to me.

"Sorry," I mumble.

It is a stupid apology. She doesn't want to accept it or talk about it either. But she is too gracious to say anything like that. She will be as gentle as ever with me. She knows that my heart is broken and it has been since the day Clarke left.

"Bellamy, Clarke will be alright," she says.

"And if she isn't?" I ask.

Gina looks sympathetic and sad.

"She will. She's brave."

I lean close to her.

"You shouldn't have to deal with any of that," I say. "We'll be alright. I'll keep looking for her. We've had peace for a while now. You're probably right. She's probably fine."

Gina gives a small smile and leans close to me, kissing me on the cheek. It burns. She has no idea that was happened the last moment when I saw Clarke. She has no idea how much that kiss haunts me and how much I want to change my reaction to it.

"You worry about everyone else so much," she says.

"Maybe," I say with a shrug. "I worry about you."

"There's nothing to worry about."

She has no idea how wrong she is.

"As long as I care about someone, I worry about them. I've had a heart attack everyday since Octavia was born. But you…I don't deserve you to begin with," I say.

"I wish you would stop saying that," she says with an honest expression. I rest my hand on her face this time. I lean close to push her hair behind her ear and shoulder.

"You're right. Sorry. I just…don't do anything too dangerous or brave," I say.

"I should be telling you that," she says with a smile. It's the smile that I love. I just wish I could've told Clarke that.


	26. Bellamy Nightmare Season 5

**Bellamy has a nightmare and wants Clarke to stay with him. This is in season five when they are outside together. Madi is in her tent when Bellamy asks Clarke to be with him. Bellamy POV.**

When I wake up alone, I am freezing and afraid. I throw my jacket on and tie up my boots. I stand up in my tent, realizing that I am not getting anywhere being alone. I turn to door thinking immediately of what I would have done a long time ago. It would have been easy. I could have wrapped my arms around her still body, leaned onto her back while she fell asleep. She would comfort me when I woke screaming and I would hold her when she woke gasping.

I want that so badly.

But then I think of Echo. I love her. I trust her more than I trust most people. But Clarke is the kind of person that will always be in my heart. I know I shouldn't. Echo is risking her life for me right now and I want nothing more than to be in the arms of another woman. I hadn't realized how much I missed her. Grieving over her was terrifying and excruciating. But right now, I feel like I am falling.

I need her.

I leave my tent, checking all around to make sure that no one is out of their tents. There are a few wonderers but most of them are sleeping in their tents. I breathe deeply as I spot her tent. I know that Madi will be in there too so I will have to be quiet.

I open her tent and lean my head in. Clarke is sitting with Madi asleep beside her. She is drawing. I look over to find myself smiling as I watch her sketch.

"What are you drawing?" I ask.

She looks up with a small smile that makes me think of her a long time ago. She was drawing with the pencils that Finn got her. She puts her hand down and turns the picture around. It's Madi as she sleeps. She looks so young and carefree. But I can already tell that she is being raised by Clarke; so she must be a warrior.

"She's beautiful," I say. "Is she a night blood?"

"Synthetic," Clarke says.

I nod, not telling her that I know when she is lying. I know Clarke better than anyone. There is no way that she is telling me the truth. I say nothing. Instead, I lean more into her tent. She sets her stuff down when she realizes what I want.

"Do you mind coming to my tent, real quick?" I ask her.

She nods, sending relief flooding through my body. I lead her back to my tent, almost running because I want to feel her in my arms so badly. I realize this when I turn around. She closes the tent behind her and I wrap my arms around her. I grab her into a hug, holding her tightly to my body. She seems surprised but then puts her arms around me too. I sigh into her shoulder, letting her hold me.

"I can't tell you how badly I missed you, Clarke," I whisper against her shoulder. She releases me but I squeeze her tighter. She holds me again, realizing what I need.

"I know. I missed you too. I thought it might be worse for you since you thought I was dead," she admits. I push back the tears that came up so often when I was alone and mourning her on the ring.

"It was worse…it was so bad, Clarke. It was so bad," I say, taking a deep breath so I don't actually cry on her shoulder. I squeeze her a little closer to me, holding her as I lean into her body.

"I missed you," I say.

"I missed you too," she says. "So much. I hoped you were all alive. I was scared that you weren't."

"I know," I mutter. "I…" I can almost make myself say it. It would be so easy. I could just say those three words. I already have one of them out. Just two more and she would know and we could—

"What?" she asks, leaning back so that she can see my face. Then I am looking at her. Clarke. The survivor. The mother. The caregiver. The beautiful Clarke that I have waited for the last six years.

"I'm glad you're alive," I say.

"Me too." She pulls away and then looks around my tent. I watch her for a moment.

"So what did you call me in here for?" she asks.

I don't know how to answer that. I shrug when she looks into my eyes.

"Tell me," she insists.

I can't say anything. I don't know what to say. She looks to my sad cot and then back to me.

"Couldn't sleep?" she asks.

I shake my head. I sit down on the edge of my bed and open my arm to her. She sits down beside me and I keep my arm around her waist. It feels wrong but so good at the same time. I want to lean closer to her, to make her mine again. But I don't. Instead, I hold onto her tightly, keeping her next to me, despite the feeling growing in my gut.

"Clarke," I say.

I don't know what else to say. I want to tell her to move closer, to hold me back but I can't make her do that. She knows about Echo. She knows that I love her and that I am with her. I can't make her betray Echo but I just need her so badly that I am not sure if I care.

"Lay with me?" I ask.

She turns to me. She is reluctant and afraid. She bites her lower lip and then looks to the bed, as if deciding something.

"What about Echo?" she asks.

"Clarke, we've done this before. We're best friends. We need each other. I've slept without you for six years and I'm ready to have you back. I am tired of the nightmares and feeling bad and afraid all the time. Please, Clarke, just stay with me."

She looks to me and then to the edge of the tent. I want to beg her to stay but then I decide that won't make her change her mind. Reluctantly, she nods and then turns to the cot.

We lay down together, holding the other person. I realize that my arm is shaking when I wrap it around her waist. She rests her head on my shoulder and then her arm encompasses my chest.

"You're okay," Clarke promises.

"Thank you for staying with me," I say.

I can feel her chuckle against my chest.

"No, Bell. Thanks for keeping me safe out here," Clarke says. "It's been a rough six years without you."


	27. NEW PUBLISHED BOOK

**Hello Everyone! I have just recently published my fourth book. If you like young adult fiction about teens trying to get through life, you will like my book, "My Socially Awkward Friends and I". It is about a group of people who are just trying to get through high school with some serious and mild problems of their own.**

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	28. Bellarke Minutes Before Praimfaya

**I have gotten a few people talking about my books. thanks guys! I hope you all check out for "My Socially Awkward Friends and I" or for "The Fight" series if you like action. Copy and past the link. It's on amazon . c o m**

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 **Anyway...this is about Bellamy and Clarke. They have a longer talk in episode 04x13. This starts with the quote from the show before Raven blows up the coms system. Bellamy POV.**

"I've got you for that," I tell her, trying desperately not to let the tears fall from my eyes. I know she can see my eyes swimming but if I let them fall, I will admit that everything sucks as bad as it does. She looks disappointed, almost as if she wanted me to think she was going to die.

God.

More tears.

I can't even think about that without feeling pain in my chest. I grip my fingers on the edge of the table.

"Raven's premonition came true."

"Clarke…"

"Bellamy, I have to ask you to do something," she says.

I brush my hand down my face. She knows that I was wiping my tears away but doesn't say anything. She walks toward me, putting her hand in mine. I look over her shoulder to see if the others are watching us. They probably cannot even see us up here.

I don't know why I care. The end of the world has arrived. I shouldn't care about what they are thinking. But we have always been so quiet about what we feel, so hidden, even from ourselves. If we talk about it now, it will scare me. It will affirm that the end of the world really is here and that we are all going to die. I can't handle that.

Maybe I could handle it if it were just me, or maybe even just Echo or some grounders I don't know, but Clarke. No. She can't die. Not as long as I live.

"It better be good, Clarke because I'm not going to let you ask much," I say. "The end of the world is sort of imminent."

"If I'm getting worse and it isn't going to get better, I need you to do something for me," she says.

I squeeze her fingers.

"Don't do that, Clarke. Don't say it."

Her lower lip trembles. Her eyes become sad and swimming like mine. She doesn't let her tears fall. She pulls her lips together and bites her lower one, almost as if trying to keep herself together.

"I have to," she says.

I grab her arm and pull her closer so that our faces are just inches apart. She is looking up at me as tears fall down her face. She lets them. She presses her lips together and gives me a small shrug. She knows that she can't say it without hurting me too. She doesn't want to do that. She never has. But whatever it is, it must be important.

"Bellamy," she says.

I bite my lower lip, begging it to stop trembling. More tears fill my eyes. I don't want them to fall. Whatever she has to tell us is already fearful enough. I don't want to scare her even more.

"If I get worse, I need you to kill me. However you have to do it at the time, just make sure that I do not get on that rocket and that I do not take up more of your supplies. If it comes down to all or nothing…choose nothing, Bellamy. Nothing at all."

I grab her arm and pull her into a hug.

I squeeze her tightly, keeping my arms around her body like a protective barrier. I kiss her forehead as I hold her close to me. I know she feels it. I feel her body shake as her tears fall.

My tears fall into her hair. We hold each other for several long seconds, squeezing and hugging as much as possible. I can feel her shaking, scared of what she just told me. But she has no idea the control that it takes for me to be able to survive without sobbing. I cry harder, trying to protect her from how terrible I feel. It doesn't work. My tears come faster and my fear hits me hard in the chest. So hard that I think I might be having a heart attack. She can feel it too. She holds me tighter around my waist, spreading her knees so that she can hold me up when mine start to buckle and my face tilts toward the ground.

"Bellamy," she mumbles.

She is asking for me to affirm what she said. I know that is what she wants. I know that she thinks she won't survive this. But she survives everything. I sniffle and then burry my face into her suite against her neck. Her hair tickles my nose as I whisper in her ear, unable to speak any louder than this.

"I could never do that," I tell her.

She nods against me.

"It's okay," she says. "It's okay."

I pull away from her but keep our arms around each other. We look into the other's eyes for a long moment. We both have tears on our faces. We are shaking. Our bodies are scared and cold. At least we have each other. We might not have anything else. But we have each other.

"I need you stay alive, Clarke," I tell her.

"What?" she asks.

I shake my head, realizing that I have to tell her this before the world ends. I have to say those three words.

"If you don't stay alive, I don't think I can do this. No matter what happens, I am going to save you. You are going to fight for your life and we are going to to space and surviving together…us two, the head and the heart as always."

It is a long, desperate attempt to keep her from talking about her death. But it is also an attempt to make her understand how much I need her without saying those three words. If I say them now, I am going against everything that I have ever thought. If I was going to say them, I should have done it a long time ago.

I can't do that now.

"Together," Clarke promises.

I nod and grab her hand, squeezing it.

There is a loud electric sound and a shout from Raven bellow us. We both turn to the window to see something go flying and Raven shouts again. I look to her. She wipes her face off and then leans her hand over, touching the side of my face.

"No matter how short my life is, I am glad to have lived knowing you, Bellamy Blake."

Before I can tell her how much that means, she is walking out of the room and toward Raven and the others. I wipe my face and follow, pushing back the pain and the three words that die on my lips.


	29. Grieving Monty and Harper

**Bellamy and Clarke talk about grieving over Monty and Harper after they are together intimately, like "I love you" one shot in this fan fiction. After season 5. Bellamy POV.**

"I never thought I would be here with you…like this," I tell her, kissing her forehead. She pulls her naked body closer to me, keeping her arm wrapped around my waist. She sits up a little so that she can look at my face, smiling.

"What?" I ask her.

"I haven't done this in a while," she admits.

"125 years," I say.

"You know what I meant," she says with a smile. I kiss her forehead, pushing her hair behind her ear as I look to her beautiful face. I wish we could stay here forever.

"Was it weird? Being with me like that?" I ask.

She shakes her head. "The last man I was with was Finn."

"Really?" I ask.

She nods.

"I was with Niylah and Lexa. But that felt different. This… I never imaged anything could feel this way."

"Me either," I admit.

I think about what it must have been like for Harper and Monty up here all the time. They must have felt so special. I wonder if they ever got bored of feeling safe and content. I wonder if Clarke or I would get bored like that if we were up here together. I don't think so. I think we would cherish it more than anything.

"What are you thinking?" she asks.

I shrug. I bite my lower lip when I think about them for too long. Six years of playing games, cards, goofing off, even playing chicken with Harper on my back and Raven on Murphy. I remember every moment of running up and down those halls, working together. We solved every problem. When Monty was scared and sad about the oxygenator failing, Harper wasn't the only one there for him. We all were. When Murphy was in a coma, Monty felt so bad, he thought he might've killed him.

"I miss my family," I admit.

She nods.

I want to tell her everything but I am afraid of crying again. I know she saw me when I saw them so old. Monty's hair was so dark. He said that Harper was sick for the last few years. That meant that she was in pain for years before she finally died. She was scared and knew that she wasn't going to make it to see the end of how we were going to decide. She never lived to see Jordan grow.

I squeeze Clarke a little closer. She puts her forehead against mine. I bite my lower lip but she keeps her eyes open, looking at me, as close as she can to me.

"She never got a chance, Clarke," I say.

"I know," she says.

"She was supposed to be with us."

She nods against my head and kisses my forehead. We hold each other like that for a while. I grab her leg and pull her closer to me, throwing her leg over my waist again so that I can feel close to her. Maybe I shouldn't be doing this. Maybe we should wake up the others so Raven can figure out how the hell we are going to get down there.

I kiss Clarke on the lips, holding onto her legs and keeping her close. But my head won't stop thinking about what happened to them.

"Monty could have put himself into kryo. He could have saved himself. He could have come here with us, seen the planet, moved on and died a happy, old man on the ground…on the planet that he found." I pause because I can feel the tears coming back. "He found this planet. He saved the human race. He should have at least seen it through."

Clarke nods against me.

"Could you imagine living without the person that you felt the most peace, love and comfort with for the rest of your life and knowing that they are never coming back?" she asks.

Tears fall from my eyes.

"Yes," I say.

She looks confused, leaning back a little bit.

"I lived without you for six years and every moment of those six years, I thought you were dead."

"Bellamy," she says, almost as a warning. She rests her hand on my neck and then holds my face steady.

"Clarke," I tell her.

She waits for me.

"I miss them so much."

More tears fall with my voice breaking. She wraps her arms around me and we hold each other. We lay together, holding on as tight as we can. We don't kiss or touch anymore. We just hold onto each other as hard and long as possible.

Monty and Harper got this. They deserved this.

"They deserved the life that they had together," I say.

"We should start earning our life together too, Bellamy," she says.

"They deserved more. Jordan is alone now. He shouldn't have to be. None of this was fair. When we were on the ring, everything was peaceful and clam. We should have stayed that way."

"Bellamy," she says. "We can get back to that now."

I wrap my arms around her waist, pulling her against my chest again. I capture her lips in mine. We kiss like this for several seconds, never leaving the other behind.

"Harper told Monty once that there was too much fighting going on. They knew how to live," I tell her.

"Show me how to live."

I put my hand in her hair and flip her over, kissing her neck as I hold her close to me again.


	30. Bellarke 03x13 hug

**By request from ZouZou, I have written a one-shot about the famous Bellarke hug scene in 03x13. Bellamy cries and is upset about Octavia while Clarke tries to comfort him. I give internal dialogue and take quotes directly from the show, as well as my own embellishments. Enjoy!**

"Clarke, I've lost her," I manage. There are tears in my eyes already. I can feel them pushing the backs of my eyelids, begging to come out. I press my lips together. She walks toward me, standing just a foot away but I want her closer.

"Give her time, Bellamy," she says with honesty on her face. "There may be blood on your hands, but it's not Lincolns'."

"Some of it is," I admit, looking up to the corner of her face. I don't want her to see my tears.

"Maybe. But you didn't want that to happen," she says. I look away. I can feel them getting worse. I know she is right. "You tried to stop it. Octavia will forgive you eventually."

A tear falls down my cheek. I look away, hoping she didn't see it but knowing that she probably did. I don't know why I try to hide from her anymore.

"The question is, will you forgive yourself?" she asks, leaning close.

I don't think I can. I can't forgive myself to taking the one thing that made her okay. Octavia loved Lincoln. She loved him and I destroyed that. Ever since then, she has been acting crazy. I didn't think that we could get much further from what we were on the arc. But here we are, so far from that little girl we used to hide under the floor.

"Forgiveness is hard for us," I say, more tears falling.

She nods, trying to understand.

I want to reach down and touch her hand, take it in mine. I want to hold her head close to my chest and tell her it is all going to be okay. I want to forgive myself but more than that, I want to forgive Clarke. I want to tell her that it is okay that she left me alone to face the nightmares, the pain and the crying without her. I want to tell her that I was okay without her there and that I can finally forgive her for leaving. But I can't. That's not true.

"I was so angry at you for leaving," I say. "I don't want to feel that way anymore."

She bites the inside of her lip like she does when she is trying not to cry. I want to reach out to her. I can feel my hand shaking at my side, begging to hold her close to me again. But I don't do it. I stay where I am, far enough away that I don't step over that friend boundary we have so cautiously set into place.

"You know you're not the only one trying to forgive yourself?" she asks. I can't think about that. Clarke out in the woods by herself, crying alone. Instead of with me, cuddled up in my arms as we both sobbed. Instead she left and I was alone and so was she.

"Maybe we'll get that some day," she says.

A few more tears manage to fall. I wipe them away but she sees it. I can see her reaching her hand out. She hates it when I cry. I hate it too but for different reasons. I take her hand this time, letting her put her fingers in mine. I don't want to think about what might happen if one of the others looks over here.

I just want to hold her close to me. I look down at our hands and then back to her beautiful face.

I want to say something, I even try but nothing comes out. I bite my lower lip.

"You have to let it go, Bellamy," she says. "All of that pain from Lincoln, from Pike, from Mount Weather, you have to let all of that go. Be the Bellamy that I…" she stops herself, making me stare into her eyes, begging her to finish that sentence. "That I trust."

I try not to cry at that sound too. I wanted her to keep going. But I trust her too. That is what we will have to agree to for now.

"How?" I ask in a broken, pathetic voice that makes me sound like a wimp. I almost hate myself just for crying, even in front of Clarke. Why does everything have to hurt so bad?

"Understand why you did it," she says. "Understand what you want and them move on. We can't dwell on everything that we have ever done. One day we are going to have to forgive."

I shake my head, staring out at the sea. I don't want to forgive myself. I know why I did it. I understand every decision that I made. Each one was for a worse reason than the one before it.

"It was for you," I say.

"What?" she asks, looking confused now.

"Every dumb decision. Every time I let someone die or killed someone innocent, it was because you weren't there. I was alone! I was angry! What did you want me to do? Make decisions by myself? Clarke, that's not how we do things! We killed those people in Mount Weather together," I say, taking a heaving breath when I realize that I will cry again if I don't control it now. I make her look at me. "I know why I made bad choices…because I didn't have you to make good ones for me."

"I don't need to make your choices, Bellamy," she says.

"Maybe not," I agree. "But you need to be here. We make decisions together, as a team, as always. I was using my head because your head wasn't there."

She gives a small smile.

"I'm here now. We need each other, Bellamy. What we're doing now, the only way we're going to pull this off, is together."

I want to tell her the truth. That I am in love with her and I need her to stay close to me. But I won't. I can't just lay that all on her right now in the middle of all of this.

I open my arm and she falls into it, wrapping her arms around me so that we are hugging. I tighten my grip on her sides and shoulders, holding her as close to my body as possible. Secretly, I let a few tears fall into her hair and the crook of her neck as I lay my head down on her.

We stay like this for as long as possible, holding onto the other one, making sure we will not go anywhere.


	31. Bellarke Hug 02x05

**Clarke and Bellamy hug and what happens after. 02x05. Bellamy POV.**

That's when I see her. Clarke. She has a cut under eye so big I think it has stitches and blood on the rest of her face. I barely am able to look at the rest of her before she wraps her arms around me.

I am so shocked I don't move for a few seconds. If either of us was going to be elated about seeing the other, I didn't think it would be her. But then again, she doesn't know what I have been feeling. Fear. So much fear that she was dead.

I wrap my arms around her as tight s I can and rest my head on her shoulder. She squeezes me weakly, almost as if she can't hold me as tight. It worries me but I don't do anything about it. I hug her close, pulling her body up toward mine.

"Now that's something I thought I'd never see," Octavia says.

I smile but then she starts to let go. I try not to show her my expression when she does this. I feel a strange sense of pain and fear in my chest. Then it goes away slowly as she pulls away and stands in front of me. She isn't injured. Her face is banged up but she's okay.

"How many with you?"

"None," she says.

My face falls. None? She was supposed to get our people out of this? I fought off that grounder so that Clarke could live and she couldn't even get our people out? There must be more to the story.

"Where's Finn?" she asks.

"Looking for you," I tell her.

Clarke looks concerned and then confused. She puts her hand to her hair and then turns around, walking away. I look to O. She nods her head toward Clarke. I follow after her.

"Hey, Princess, where are you going?" I ask.

"To find Finn," Clarke says.

"No. Wait," I tell her. "I can go with you. We all can."

She nods but doesn't stop walking. She walks into the drop ship when I grab her arm and turn her around.

"What?" she asks.

I look her over. The cuts on her face look fresh. The stitches must have been new. She moves cautiously, almost as if she is sore. Her hair is dirty and matted, even red in some places, as if her blood ran through it and then just stuck there. Her hands are shaking at her sides. But she is not afraid. She is eager to find Finn. I know she loves him. But I am not as eager. I don't want her to fall in love with him again. I want her back. Those two nights we spent in my tent together weren't like the other girls. I didn't hook up with Clarke and I didn't need to.

But god, I missed her.

"Slow down," I say. "Where are the others?"

"In Mount Weather. That's where I was. They were draining people like us and grounders for our blood because they can't survive without it. They need non-irradiated blood."

"What? That's insane!" I tell her.

"I know."

"Did they do that to you?" I ask, putting my hand on her arm. She looks down at my hand and then back to my face, shaking her head.

"They were going to. So I ran away. We have to get the others out."

"How many are in there?" I ask.

"Over forty."

I nod. So we have just about half of the 100. Some leaders we are. We're running at a 50% survival rate.

"Alright, tell me, why does your face look like that?" I ask with a grin. She smiles back, almost laughs. I wish that she would really laugh. I rarely hear it, but when I do, I can spot it from a mile away. I wish she were happy enough to feel that way. I know that if this world were normal and we came down here alone, I could've made her laugh. I could've made her smile. She might've even been mine.

"I got out with the help of a grounder. Remember Anya?" she asks. I nod. The grounder bitch that didn't like our princess very much.

"Well she helped me get out. We kind of jumped off of this cliff into the water. Then she made me her prisoner. Mount Weather was tracking us with a thing inside of her arm. She bit it out. Then I was able to knock her out after a fight and I made her my prisoner."

"This sounds complex," I mumble.

"I guess so," she says and then continues, "Once we were at the camp and no one was there, I knew something was wrong. She woke up and we fought for a while. I mean really fought. I was about to kill her when I stopped. But she gave me most of this face."

"Ah. So I can thank Anya for beating up on our princess. I'll be sure to give her a good end, Clarke," I say with a smile. She smiles again too. I love making her smile.

"We better go talk to my mom about getting the others back," she says. She starts walking through the ship again. I follow her until I catch up to her side. "Who is Finn with?"

"Murphy."

She stops and turns toward me.

"What?"

"I know, but Murphy was actually being a good person. Finn was being crazy. In this case, I actually think Murphy might calm him down," I tell her with my hands up by my shoulders in surrender. She nods but still looks hurt. I want to grab her and pull her in for another hug. I want to tell her so much but I don't. Instead, I just sit there and watch as she looks hurt and confused. Why can't I make her feel better? Why can't I change what she feels?

"Fine," she says.

"I'm sorry, Clarke. I didn't want Finn to go but he wasn't going to stop looking for you."

"Were you looking for me?" she asks.

I stare at her, unsure of what to say. Of course, I was looking for her. I was thinking about her every second since the drop-ship door closed. But I can't tell her that.

"Yes," I say. "But when we couldn't find you and it seemed like there was nothing we could do, I just wanted…I needed to—"

"You needed to save someone?" she asks.

I nod.

She puts her hand on mine. I want to beg her to keep it there, to interlock her fingers in mine. But I decide not to. Not here.

"It's okay," she says. "We'll get them back here. They'll be safe."

"I'm glad you're safe," I tell her. It sounds strange. We hadn't liked each other much. Actually, she didn't like me much and I was just trying to have some fun. But then there were those nights when she was asleep with her head on my shoulder or my chest pressed against her back. We pretended like it didn't happen the next morning. But we both knew the truth. Looking into her eyes now, I can see it.

"I thought you were dead," she whispers.

"What?" I ask.

Her voice is quiet and scared. She bites her lower lip that trembles. I walk closer to her so that we are just inches apart. I put my hand to hers and lean down to hear her.

"I thought you were dead," she says again.

"I'm not," I tell her. "I'm right here."

She looks up at me with tears in her eyes. Maybe she cares more than I think she does.

"I thought you were dead too," I admit.

"What?" she asks.

"When we came back and that guy had your dad's watch. I thought that was it. I knew you had to be gone," I say.

Clarke holds her hand out toward me but I can't take it. I need more than that. I can feel my heart beating faster. My entire body trembles and then I grab her. I put my arms around her waist and pull her closer to me. She wraps her arms around me too, squeezing me a little and resting her head on my chest. I keep her there for a while.

"We're alive," I say into her hair. "We're both alive."

I feel her start to let go but I can't handle it. I pull her back to me and keep my hands on her back, squeezing even at her clothes.

"No," I say. "Don't let go."

"Okay," she agrees. I can practically hear the smile in her voice. It makes me smile too. Then we stand there in the middle of the hallway, hugging, holding onto each other and remembering how much we really do care.


	32. Bellarke Nightmare About Finn

**Clarke has a nightmare about killing Finn in 02x09 when sleeping outside by Bellamy. He wakes her and they talk while the grounders sleep around them.**

The first sight of her whimpering in her sleep is when I call out her name. The others are all asleep. I have noticed the two guards pacing either side of our camp. But everyone else has managed to put aside their differences for some much needed rest. I don't know how long it has been since I fell asleep and I can already see Clarke shaking off something as if there were a bug on her.

"Clarke," I mutter.

She says nothing.

Her eyes remain closed and her body remains afraid. She rolls to one side and then seems shocked, gasping for breath. She sits straight up and holds onto her chest, heaving, as if she can't get enough air. I rush out of my own sleeping bag to be by her side. I put my hand to her shaking back and grab her trembling hand.

"Clarke," I say.

When the panic does not subside and the terror is taking over her entire body, I put my arm around her shoulders. I pull her closer to me but she pushes away, gasping. Finally, she is able to breathe. But now she is breathing with hard, ragged breathes, too heavy. I want to put my hand to her head but decide I do not want to get pushed away again. When I grab her hand, she looks down at it with confusion. She picks up my fingers, picking at them until she drops my hand entirely. I put my hand under her chin and tilt her head toward me. She barely notices me.

It is almost as if she is looking right through me.

A haunting feature of fright and terror has approached her face. Even as I sit before her, the same friend and man I always have been, she is looking at me as if I am a Mountain Man or something. Maybe I am even the most dangerous reaper she has ever met. But more than any of that, it looks more like she is staring at a ghost.

"Clarke, what's wrong?" I ask her.

She shakes her head and then reaches her hand up to mine. Her fingers are still shaking, dirty from being outside so much but much cleaner and less bloody than I have seen them in the past. The mark under her eye is illuminated by the light of the fire. That mark is slowly turning itself into a scar. A scar that I could have prevented if I would have stayed with her and protected her from Mount Weather and the hell that was behind their walls. I only wish I could have.

"Clarke! Come on! You're really freaking me out now," I tell her, shaking her shoulder.

Her hand brushes against my face and then drops to her lap. Tears well up in her eyes and she drops her head, her shoulders hunching as her entire body falls into itself. Real crying sounds come from her mouth as her chest rises and falls, her shoulders shaking, her body looking sad. I keep an arm around her as she cries.

"What is it?" I ask.

"I thought you were Finn," she says.

"What? Why?"

"I've been…" She suddenly stops and then sniffles. She wipes her face off with the back of her sleeve and looks up at me. The tears on her face are sad but they are nothing compared to the terror that has made a home in her eyes. Every time I see her do something else terrible or live through another tragedy, she darkens just a little bit more. Those eyes lose just a moment of their spark.

Sometime, I would like to get it all back for her.

"I had a nightmare. Well, at first I thought it was a dream. I thought he was sleeping behind me. I thought we were together how we were in the bunker underground," she says. I think I know what she means without her having to say it anymore. The thought gives me a strange shiver down my spine. It makes me uncomfortable enough to grimace and I wonder why only to myself.

"Then I turned around and he was really there. But he was dead. He was just staring at me, so creepy. He's haunting me. He's everywhere I look. When you talked to me, I thought you might be the real Finn. But when you weren't…god, Bellamy. I miss him so much."

I squeeze her shoulder so that her head falls on mine. She puts her hands in her lap, bringing her legs up close to her chest so that she can become as small as possible. Little pieces of her hair fall into her face as she leans toward me. I want her to feel better. I want the demons to leave her sleep. But if feeling better means never leaning on me in this way again, selfishly, I am not sure that I want her to.

"I know, Clarke," I say. "It wasn't ride. What happened wasn't right. But we can make it right by getting our people out and making sure that this war never happens again."

"How do we do that?" she asks against my shoulder. Her head falls further down onto my chest. I let it as I hold her close. I can feel her tears falling, her body shaking just a little. I don't want her to control the crying. In front of all of those people, maybe she has to pretend like everything is okay and she is strong. With me, she can be herself. She can be honest.

"You and I," I say with a smile and a nudge. "We make things better. We use our amazing skills to swoon them into doing whatever we want."

She doesn't laugh or even smile but I can feel her stop crying. She sits up enough for me to see her face. I put my hand to her cheek to brush away the tears. My hand comes away dripping wet. No one deserves this much pain. For a brief moment, almost as if I imagined it, Clarke leans her head into my hand.

"We'll get through this," I promise.

"I can't believe I did that. I killed him. I took his life and I loved him," she says, getting upset again.

"Hey, calm down. Come on, Clarke. Just calm down. It's not your fault. You had to do it. We all know that you gave Finn the mercy that no one else was going to give him. It was a good plan."

She looks at me again with a tilt of the head.

"But this isn't?" she asks. She is referring to making peace with people who hate us and risking hurting our own people for nothing more than their benefit. She is referring to the deal that makes political peace with a clan that hates us.

"No. I don't. I just want to save our people," I tell her.

"Me too."

I sigh.

"You did the right thing, Clarke," I promise her. "You will heal from this."

"I'll never forgive myself," she mutters with a quivering lip.

"I will forgive you then," I say. "And maybe you can forgive me for throwing the radio in the river, since I can't seem to fight off those faceless nightmares either."

She tilts her head toward me, almost in sympathy, which was the opposite of what I wanted. But then she puts her hand on top of mine. She looks around at the sleeping forms. I know what she is asking without asking it. I nod.

I grab my sleeping bag and bring it closer to hers. With just a foot between us, I open my hand out to her. She takes it easily, folding her fingers in mine and giving me a sad smile.

"What?" I ask.

"At least we can face them together," she says. "If I can't fight off my own nightmares, maybe I can fight yours off."

"And maybe I can do the same for you," I agree.

"Goodnight, Bellamy."


	33. Jealous Bellamy Over Finn

**ZouZou suggested a jealous Bellamy. This is jealousy over Finn. Please review and enjoy!**

"Hey, Princess!" I shout to Clarke as she walks toward the camp. Finn walks behind her with Raven at his side.

"What do you want?" she asks.

"Whoa! Someone needs a drink from Monty's still," I say with a smirk, nudging her arm. I hold out my cup to her. She pauses her determined walking. She grabs the cup from my hand and chugs it to the back of her throat.

"Alright then," I say with a shrug.

"Want another one?" I ask.

"Absolutely," she says.

I give her a small laugh as I tug her arm along to the still. Jasper pours us two drinks. I try not to stare at Clarke for too long but every time she looks to me, I wonder what she is thinking. She looks so upset but also angry. I am familiar with this feeling. She is angry at herself. I want to ask her but we aren't exactly best friends. We have been working with each other much more than before, but we aren't there yet. She is still too uptight about everything we do.

Maybe tonight can change that.

"Thanks, Jasper," I say, taking the drink from him and handing it over to Clarke. Without a thought for herself or what is going on around us, she chugs it down.

"Okay, Princess, you might want to slow down," I say.

"Oh, now you want me to slow down?" she asks. "I don't think so."

"How about you tell me what's going on?" I ask, tugging her arm toward the closest fire. There are two others on the other side talking quietly to themselves. I make her sit down, taking the drink from her and sitting it down on the ground. I sit beside her, taking a small sip of my own drink before I make her talk.

"Come on," I tell her.

She sighs and then leans back on the log that she is sitting against. She crosses her feet over each other and looks to me. It is clear that the alcohol is already getting to her head because she hasn't eaten.

"That girl that came down, Raven," she says with a snarl. "She's with Finn. They've been together forever apparently. He like saved her life or something on the Ark."

"Sounds intense," I say with a shrug but then look to her annoyed and angry expression. "What the hell do you care?"

"I care," she says.

I look to Finn and Raven as he wraps his arms around her waist by another fire. She looks happy. She laughs and smiles, looking back up at him as they twist their bodies together. They are definitely in love. I have never felt like that with someone before.

"What's wrong?" I ask her. She shrugs with anger on her face, staring at the couple by the fire. "What do you care if Finn has his girlfriend down here? I mean he is not exactly the most eligible bachelor on Earth."

She shrugs again. I want her to talk to me but she doesn't trust me enough. I just wish I could convince her to talk so that maybe I can understand her better. Maybe then we could talk about everything and she could stop being so god damned boring.

"What?" I ask.

"I care," she says again. "I mean, we were together. We were together and then we came out after having sex, like, not even an hour before and there she is, waiting for him. He runs to her, they grab each other in a loving embrace and kiss, leaving me to watch."

My face gets hot. My body feels suddenly just as angry as hers. I clench my fists and push my back against the tree behind me, trying to push the anger away. She was with him? She had sex with him out in the woods before Raven came down?

Raven looked confused when Clarke and Finn were spending time together. It was no secret they had it bad for each other. But it was a secret that they had sex.

"Wait. When did that happen?" I demand.

"That's none of your business," she says.

"Well it was none of my business that you had sex at all but you still told me so you might as well finish the story," I say. There is a growing feeling of confusion in my gut. It clenches and twists in the very base of my gut as I clench my hands harder.

"Fine," she says, rolling her eyes and then turning her head to me. "After Charlotte killed herself and the radio fried all the wrist bands, he thought we were going to die down here. He thought that we would be alone. We started kissing and it sort of just happened. The next morning he said that he wanted it to be me, he wanted to be with me! Then she came down here and ruined all of it!" she shouts.

"Hey, let's lower the volume," I say with a smile, putting my hand on her knee.

She looks to me through her drunk super and shakes her head, her eyes looking dazed and her face looks irritated. I stare back at her. Our eyes get lost in each other. For several long seconds, we are just staring, wondering what the other is thinking and how to fix their problems. While their might be terror growing in other places in my body, right now, if I can help Clarke for just a minute, it will be worth it.

I still can't imagine them together. Clarke naked in his arms, wrapped in his embrace, under his body. I wonder what faces she would make but those thoughts are ruined by thoughts of Finn being with her.

"Why don't you care who you sleep with?" she asks. I laugh and then lean my head toward her.

"I don't know," I say with a shrug.

"I wish I didn't care. I told him that it didn't matter. I told him that we didn't have to be together and that he should be with Raven. I'm just so disgusted that I don't want to talk to him about it."

"Then don't," I say. "Sometimes sex can just be a great distraction. If you both know that is all it is, it's okay. The trick is, you both have to be pretty clear about that."

"Is that how it always is with you?" she asks.

"Look, Princess, I'm not—"

"Gross. No. I don't want to have sex with you," she says. I am slightly offended that she said, gross. I don't think I would've done it though. I do like her. I wouldn't feel this jealousy building in my gut if I didn't like her. But maybe I like her too much to have sex with her.

That thought scares me.

I bury it deep down so that I never have to think of it again. But then Clarke tilts her head toward the fire, her face illuminated by the light, her eyes looking glossy and wistful. Her body is relaxed, saddened and vulnerable. I want to reach out to her, wrap my arm around her and pull her close. But I don't because I know that if I do, I will remember all of those feelings stronger than I can change.

"I just want to forget that it ever happened," she says with sadness. I squeeze her leg and lean against the tree branch.

"Good idea," I tell her. "We have bigger problems anyway."

"Right," she says. "I guess if the grounders kill us all, I won't have to decide what to do anyway."

That thought hurts, along with the thought of her ever being with someone else. I never thought that I would feel jealousy. But I think that is what this is. I think that this gut wrenching feeling is tearing me apart. I have to change it. I have to forget it.

"Yeah," I agree with a laugh, trying to push away a scary thought.

I think I am falling in love with Clarke Griffin.


	34. Niylah vs Bellamy

**Niylah vs. Bellamy. Bellamy walks in on Clarke and Niylah. He is upset with Clarke and demands to talk to her.**

When I feel alone again, I decide I am tired of it. We should be planning out how to solve these problems. The world is going to come to an end if we don't find a solution. Abby told us to go to sleep. I slept for two hours, had a nightmare and now here I am, walking to Clarke's room.

When I find her room, I open the door.

I have to look twice because she is there wrapped in someone else's arms. I know who it is from the dreadlocks on her head and the look on her face. She blushes, looks frustrated and then moves away from Clarke. Clarke puts the blanket over her bare chest and stares at me with her hair falling in her face and her body looking flushed.

I feel no embarrassment, though I want to. Instead, I feel frustrated, angry at her for choosing someone else to forget her burdens with except for me. Why would she choose anyone else? That amount of anger makes me turn to her with my arms crossed over my chest.

"Clarke, I need to talk to you," I say.

"What?" she asks. "Seriously?"

"Yes. It's important."

Niylah looks at me and then over to Clarke. Niylah presses her lips together and then nods. She grabs her clothes and puts her long dress on. She sips her shoes on but does not wear anything else as she rushes from the room. I move aside to let her run by me. Clarke sits with the sheet covering her breasts and the rest of her naked body.

"Bellamy, was that really necessary? I felt like I was talking to my dad for a second," she says. "What do you care if I sleep with Niylah?"

I roll my eyes at her and then shrug. I step toward her, wanting to stand by her. Then I remember that she is probably naked under that sheet. I grab her shirt and the dark colored sports bra that I know is hers. I smile when I hand it to her.

"Really?" she asks with sarcasm laced in her voice. She looks upset with me.

She takes the clothes from my hand. I throw her pants and then see dark blue underwear sitting right by them. I look down at them and then look to her with a smile on my face. I want to grab them and throw them on her. She looks down at them and then at me.

"I hate you," she mumbles.

I throw the blue underwear in her direction, hating myself for thinking about what she looks like if she were to drop that blanket covering her body. She stares in my direction with the clothes in her hands.

"What?" I ask.

"Turn around," she says.

"Are you serious?" I demand.

She just looks at me. So I turn around for her, though I can't help but wonder what she looks like. I keep my arms crossed over my chest, staring at the ground and wanting so badly to turn around.

"We sleep in the same bed, Clarke," I say. "You don't have to hide anything else from me. Why this?"

"Because you hide from me too," she says.

I don't respond to that. I turn back around. She crosses her arms over her now covered chest. I step closer to her without feeling strange at all this time. She waits for me to talk.

"I have to ask, why were you with Niylah?" I demand.

"I was with her because she is…because she is my distraction. I didn't feel like being alone. I am sure that you understand that given the fifteen girls you slept with in the Delinquent Camp," she says with a shrug.

"Whatever," I say.

"What did you come in here for?" she asks with some frustration on her face.

To be honest with myself, I don't remember what I came in here for. I wrack my brain as I attempt to remember where I was last. I went to sleep and then I had a nightmare about something stupid. It pissed me off and then I couldn't fall back asleep. Where do I go when I can't sleep? I find Clarke. I knew she would be here. She always welcomes me into her bed. I guess I haven't had the chance to walk in on them yet. Unfortunately, it was bound to happen at some point.

"Clarke," I say with a sadness. "I just wanted to talk to you."

"About what?" she asks with anger.

"Come on," I say, nudging her. I sit down beside her on the bed, which is only a little awkward. I nudge her again, putting my hand out for her to hold mine. She doesn't. I have to pretend that it doesn't bother me or hurt me when she leans away. I put my fist in my lap and look at her beautiful face. She then looks sympathetic and smiles a little.

"What did you want to talk about?" she asks again.

"Nothing," I say. "I can go."

I start to stand up but then she grabs my hand. She pulls it down toward herself so I sit back with her. She doesn't let go of my arm when I sit down with her. She holds onto me with some gentleness.

"Don't go," she whispers.

I can hear my heartbeat faster. Then I can feel the pain released from my body. I want to grab her into a hug and hold her body close to mine all night long.

She wants me to be honest. So here goes nothing.

"I couldn't sleep. I was thinking about what we're going to do, how we're going to save everyone. I was thinking about the water problem and how we can—"

"It's okay, Bellamy," she says, squeezing my hand. "I understood after you said you couldn't sleep."

I nod, glad that I don't have to keep rambling on. Then we both sit silently beside each other.

"So are you going to call Niylah back to have meaningless sex or are you going to ask me to stay so that we can be together and alone?" I ask her, looking right into her blue eyes.

She gives me a small smile.

"Stay," she says with a shrug and lays down on her bed, facing the wall. I lay with my chest against her back and wrap my arm around her body. She pulls me closer and holds onto my hand.

"I'll always ask you to stay," she says.

It makes me smile.

"I know."


	35. Clexa vs Bellarke Jealousy

**Bellamy sees Clarke upset over Lexa while they are trying to find Luna. They are alone by the rocks while Octavia and Jasper are by the fire. It's as if they had more time there.**

Clarke is sitting at the edge of the sand with her legs crossed. Her arms are behind her, holding herself up. I nudge her so that she looks at me. She wipes her face off with one hand and smiles a little as she looks up. But she still looks sad underneath all of that.

"Hey," I say.

"Sit," she says, patting the space beside her. I sit down with her, putting my legs out in front of me and looking over at her.

I take a deep breath as I look at her, just waiting for her to speak first. When she doesn't, I nudge her arm. She gives me a small Clarke-like smile that shows me she wants to talk about it but doesn't want to feel bad. I put my hand on hers.

"What's going on?" I ask.

"Nothing," she says with a shrug. "We should focus on the mission: on finding Luna."

"No. We should focus on what's wrong with our leader so that when we do find Luna, we aren't going to fail," I tell her.

She gives me a small smile and then nods.

"Talk," I say with a shrug. I want her to tell me what is wrong. Mostly I want to forget about Octavia hating me. I want to forget about her telling me that she hates me and wanting to be away from me. I want her to trust me but she won't even talk to me. Maybe I can deal with someone else's problems for a while.

"I had to watch Lexa die. The bullet that was shot her…it was meant for me. They were so angry with me. There was a fight and when the door opened, she was shot. I told myself that she was going to be okay and that I could fix it, but then I realized where she was bleeding. I was trying so hard to convince myself that she was going to be alive."

"Clarke, that must have been terrible. I'm so sorry that you had to watch that," I say.

"Then we had to take the A.I out. It was all just so strange. I mean, she didn't even know she was an AI. She was so amazing. The way she led her people, the way she acted around them. Even how she knew that they would follow her. It was amazing watching her people follow her and listen to her every word. I wanted to be around her, with her. And just when I knew her really well, she had to die."

I put my arm around her shoulder. She leans closer to me, resting her head on me. I put my head on hers and we lean close to each other. I feel her breathing erratically. We sit here in silence for a while. Telling her that I am sorry she had to deal with that is not enough. She has been through too much. She has seen too much.

"I wish I could help you," I say.

"What?" she asks.

She pulls away from me, crushing my heart. I want her back as soon as she is gone. I want to pull her back toward me and wrap my arms around her body. I want to be close with her, take away the pain. I know that tonight when we fall asleep, we will not sleep right beside each other. We will not fall into each other's arms when one of us wakes from a nightmare. That scares me enough that I should stay awake.

"I wish I could change all of that pain," I say. "I wish that I could take it away. I want you to be okay."

"I am," she says, almost as if she is surprised that I am saying these things. I sit beside her, looking at her beautiful face.

"I'm fine," she says.

"No, Clarke. Don't do that to yourself," I say. "Don't pretend like this isn't hard, like life doesn't suck because we have to make decisions for other people. Don't pretend like you don't miss Lexa. We all know that you do. I don't know how much you loved her but I know that you cared about her or you wouldn't be so upset."

She nods, her face looking sadder as I speak. I stop talking and lean over. She understands what I am asking her to do. She leans close to me and allows me to hold her in my arms. It is a short few seconds. But it is enough for me to realize that she needed this. She was grieving someone we all didn't even know about.

"I wish you could've known her," Clarke says.

I nod. I don't want to know Lexa. I didn't want to know the woman that Clarke chose over me. She left me to stay with Lexa. She allowed me to go through my pain all alone while she stayed with a strong, independent woman who never needed her.

I don't say anything because I don't want to tell her that I want her back, that I need her to just come back to me and leave anyone else alone. First I had to compete with Finn, and I never could. When he went crazy and Clarke turned to me, I couldn't deny her but I couldn't tell her the truth either.

"What?" she asks, clearly annoyed that I haven't said anything.

"Nothing. I just…you chose Lexa over me, Clarke."

"What are you talking about?" she asks, leaning toward me.

"Clarke, you could've come back with me. You could've been alone with me. We could have helped each other. But no. You chose to stay there with Lexa."

"I didn't mean to choose her over you, Bellamy," she says. She has no idea how much that means to me. I need her. I want her so badly. "I wanted to keep the peace. She trusted me. I wanted to keep that trust. I didn't mean to leave you."

I nod. I look back to Octavia sitting by the fire. I want her to love me so badly. I was alone for so long. Clarke was gone. Octavia hated me. Jasper is losing his mind. I don't have anyone.

"You should talk to her," Clarke says.


	36. Bellarke Finds Peace

**Bellamy has a nightmare about Gina. Clarke makes him talk about his past relationships and feelings. End season three or season 4.**

Gina. She's so beautiful and pure. She's so honest but she trusts me. I don't know why she trusts me. But she does. She wants me to be a better person. She thinks that I can be the real me. I don't even know what that means anymore.

I'm so lost.

Then sh is standing in front of me with blood dripping from her mouth and a large wound on her stomach. It's an open wound, gushing blood dramatically.

I reach out to her but she steps away from me. She looks almost afraid of me. Why would she be afraid of me? She pushes her hands out in front of herself as if to ward herself away from me.

"Gina?" I ask her.

She is fading away.

Then I wake up.

It hits me all at once. She was afraid of me because I did that to her. I sent her there. I told her that it was okay to be there. I was the one who trusted that Echo bitch and let her involve herself in our lives. I was the one who let this happen. Gina died because she trusted me. I should have been there for her. I should have held her close to me. I should have never let herself get involved in any of this war.

I look beside me and see Clarke passed out with her arm behind her head and her soft facial expression as beautiful as ever. Her shirt is twisted to the side so I can see her bare stomach. Her body is mostly above the blanket with only one leg underneath. Her shorts are so short I can see her entire thigh. I find myself staring at the curvature of her beautiful body. I stare at the beauty of her legs, the way her one leg bends so gently at the knee. Her hands are softened, one open at her side and the other one floppy under her full head of blonde curls.

She makes me smile.

What if I did the same thing to Clarke? What if I let her trust me and it ends up killing her? It is more likely for Clarke to die because of me than anyone else. She loves me. She trusts me. I know this about her. She trusts me enough to do something I asked her to do. Hopefully her judgement is better than Gina's.

If something happened to Clarke because of me, I'd be as good as dead.

I pull the covers off of my legs carefully so I don't move Clarke. She just barely adjusts herself as I stand up. She remains asleep as I stand up and make my way to the dresser. I put my hands on it so it can hold up some of my weight. I let them hold up most of my pain as I lean over. I breathe quietly so I don't wake Clarke but the nightmare is staring to drown me again. This always happens to me.

The nightmare is over. I am okay for just a moment and then it hits me all over again. I am suddenly in so much pain that it is worse than the nightmare itself.

"Bell?" I hear.

"I'm sorry," I mutter, still facing the dresser drawers. I don't want to turn around. I want her to fall back asleep so that I don't have to tell her what is really going on. She shouldn't have to help me heal over another women. She shouldn't have to know that I am afraid of hurting her.

"I didn't mean to wake you," I say.

"That's okay," she says behind me. I can hear her voice getting closer, her body shifting on the bed as she stands up. She walks over to me so I can feel her right behind my back.

I want nothing more than to beg her to put her body around me and hold onto me.

"What was it this time?" she asks.

I don't want to tell her. I don't want her to have to deal with me when I am in this kind of pain. But on the other side of it, my heart is begging her to take away this pain.

"Bellamy," she says. "Don't ignore me."

"I'm sorry," I say.

I turn around so she can see the pain on my face and the terror that is coursing through my body. She gives me an encouraging smile and puts her hand on my wrist.

"What was it?" she asks.

I close my eyes and decide I have to tell her. If it were her, I would demand that she tells me too.

"Gina was staring at me. She was bleeding and she wouldn't let me help her or touch her. Then I realized it was because it was like she knew her death was my fault. She knew that trusting me is what caused her death," I explain and turn back around before I get angry.

I put my hands back down on the dresser in front of me, pushing my weight on it until I am gripping the top so tight I think I am chipping the wood. I feel a hand graze over my wrist. It is light and airy. It is so gentle I can hardly feel the touch at all.

Then the touch travels along that arm until it is around my bicep. Then the other hand travels along my other arm. Now I can feel her hands on me completely.

I am holding my breath as she leans in closer. I feel her pelvis first, pushing some of her hips weight on mine. Then her stomach on my back. I can feel even more weight. I get a chilled sensation all along my body. My entire body shivers just enough for her to feel it too. She squeezes me with her hands and rests the rest of her chest on my back.

Then finally I can feel her head, her soft face on my back. She wraps her arms around my waist then and rests them along my stomach where she holds me close. I can feel her hair tickling against my arm and her face pressed firmly against my back.

I let her lean on me and I let myself lean back so we are holding each other.

Neither of us says a word, for we do not need to. I can feel every part of her and she can feel every part of me. We are together in every sense of the word, in ways that no one will know about. We are never going to speak about it, maybe never feel it again.

I can feel her heartbeat against my back. It keeps me steady. Neither of us move, even when the sun rises and the work begins.


	37. Clarke Scars

**Clarke and Bellamy talk about what they did to Clarke and how she found out about the real Mount Weather while she was there. This is early season 2. Enjoy! Prompts are welcome!**

 **Bellamy POV.**

"Clarke?" I ask her.

I stand by her bed, shoving my hands in my pockets so that I don't reach out and touch her. She looks so bad. Her face is all bloody. When she ran to me, it looked like she was weaker than before, like something hurt.

"Why are you all beat up?" I ask with a grin, trying to make it sound playful, like I would if I were talking t her normally. But it comes out a little fearful. I think she knows that I missed her, that I was scared for her while she was gone.

"Mostly from Anya," she says. "We didn't exactly get along. But before that I had this wound on my wrist and I opened it again because they told me only patients were allowed in medical."

"On your wrist?" I ask her.

She holds out her arm, showing me a very red wound with stitches still in tact. It is red around the edges and clearly deep. I can't help it. I let my hand come back out of my pocket and brush my fingers across it. I stare down at her wound. She doesn't flinch when I touch her. She actually leans back into the mat underneath of her. It makes me smile.

"Does it hurt?" I ask.

She shrugs. Everything hurts. But we don't have time to think about it. I wish she could have time to think about it, time to heal. But we don't have those luxuries.

I give her a short laugh, trying to lighten the mood but not leaving my hand from her wrist.

"What happened to your face?" I ask.

She laughs too. At least her smile is still the same. Her beautiful eyes still smile with the rest of her and her body perks up, seeming a little bit more like herself again.

"That was mostly Anya hitting me with a rock, punching me in the face. Oh, and I jumped off a cliff into some water and covered myself in mud so I really have no idea how many injuries I sustained," she says, trying to make it as light as I was hoping for. But instead, it just hurts me.

"Sounds rough," I admit.

"What about you?" she asks.

"What do you mean?"

"What happened to your face?"

It makes me smile. I lean close to her, putting my hand on hers. She takes it. We look down at our hands, holding each other there for a few seconds. It feels safe. It feels like we might actually be okay, or at least we could try to be.

"Grounders," I say. "You know, you closed the drop ship doors. So I was out there, fighting off grounders and surviving them in the woods for a while before the adults came down and ruined our fun."

She nods but it looks like that might have hurt her too. Why does our pain hurt the other person?

Clarke, I think I care about you a little too much and I really want to blame you but it just feels so good to care again that I won't.

I see a little blood trickle down the side of her face, under her eye. It makes me scared. I grab a piece of cloth next to her bed and lean close, putting it against her face and dabbing at the blood. I do it a little bit more until the blood stops. She stares into my eyes.

"Thanks," she says.

"That wound looks pretty bad," I say.

"Yeah. The one under my eye needed stitches," she says with a shrug. "Guess I'll have a pretty good sized scar."

"Me too," I say, pointing to the one on the outside of my nose, right by my eye. She brushes her finger over it, making it feel so much more soothing than I could imagine it would.

"Abby says you shouldn't be going anywhere," I tell her. I let my hand fall back down to hers and then brush across her fingers. She holds onto my fingers. It feels good.

"I know," she says. "But if Finn is still out there looking for me, I am not going to let him get himself killed."

I shake my head, trying not to smile.

"Brave princess," I mumble.

She looks across the room to Raven where Abby sits, talking with her, touching her leg. Raven looks sad. She always looks so disappointed. But Abby is there trying to make it better for her.

"What happened?" she asks.

"She had surgery and she lost feeling in part of her left leg," I tell her. "She can walk and make even learn how without the crutches but for now…she's just like that."

"That must suck. How did Murphy get away with that?" she asks.

I look over at Raven, not understanding either. If it were me, I would have turned that bastard in the second that they got back down here. But Raven is a better person than that somehow.

"Raven lied," I tell her. "She didn't tell them who did it. They don't know. Also, Murphy is playing a bitch and pretending to be innocent so they somehow trust him more than me."

She shakes her head, looking back down at our hands.

"And your sister?" she asks.

It makes me smile to think about her again, to have her healthy and with me again.

"She found us when we were trying to save that girl from the other station. She blew the fog horn so that the grounders would stop attacking us. She was running around the woods, fighting with the grounders and trying to find Lincoln," I say.

"Find Lincoln?" she asks. "Where did he go? Why is she hanging out with the grounders?"

I shake my head. I don't know why. She has been acting different. She has been acting strange since we got down here but this was different.

"She likes fighting," I say. "It fills a void."

Clarke smiles and squeezes my hand.

"We both know something about that," she says.

"Maybe. But I think it's different for her," I admit.

I put my hand on her face, moving her curly hair from her eye. She smiles when I do it.

"Clarke," I say. "I'm so glad that you're alive."

She smiles through her scars and blood.

"I'm glad you're alive too, Bellamy. We can lead our people together," I insist.

"Together."


	38. Clarke is hurt

**Clarke gets hurt in "Spacewalker". Bellamy is talking to her when she wakes up after Finn does. Bellamy POV. Enjoy!**

I brush her hair against her face, pushing it behind her ear. I run my thumb across her forehead for a while. I try not to touch the bump on her head but it is swollen. I touch it gently so she can't feel it. It isn't too big but it's still red with a cut that still has some blood.

 _Clarke, you have no idea how bad you scared me._

"Hey, Clarke," I whisper to her.

She doesn't move. She is going to have to wake up soon. We can't protect her in here with grounders out there.

"Is she okay?" Finn asks behind me.

"No. She's hurt. She probably has a headache and she's tired," I say. "But she'll be fine."

"Why did she fall asleep again? I thought she was—"

"Just shut up, Finn," I tell him.

I put my hand back to her hair, brushing it out with my fingers and hoping that it soothes her. I put my hand against her face. She is a little warm, probably from the pain but she's not too bad off yet. But then she leans into my hand. She leans her cheek close to me so that she is resting her face in my hand.

"Oh, Clarke."

I hear Finn walk away. I have to admit that I am actually glad that he is gone. I want to be alone with Clarke when she wakes up. I have to make sure that she is okay. We can't do any of this without her.

"Clarke," I say again.

Her eyes start to flutter. I keep my hand on her hair.

"Clarke, come on. Wake up."

Finally, her eyes open. Her face immediately goes to a grimace and her hand goes to her head. She puts her hand there and squeezes her hair. I grab her hand to move it away. That is not going to help her. Instead, I soothe my hand down her face.

"How are you feeling?" I ask her.

"My head," she says.

I nod, pushing her hair down gently.

"But not so bad actually," she says.

"It's just me, Clarke," I say with a grin. I reach down and put my hand on hers. She looks down at my hand and then around the room. I can see her eyes searching the room for anyone that might be around watching us. I squeeze her hand back.

"There's no one here," I assure her.

She nods and looks back at me.

"What happened out there?" I ask, sitting back so that I can see her and talk to her.

"Finn and I were walking. There was a grounder. I tried to attack but then he hit me in the head. I was out. I don't remember anything until I woke up here with Raven and Finn. I was talking with them and then I felt really tired so I just fell back asleep," she says.

"You still feel tired?" I ask.

She nods. "But I shouldn't. I need to get up."

I help her sit up and then hold her shoulders up so she doesn't fall. I lean her back against the drop ship wall. She leans back, resting her head on the wall behind her. I don't let go of her hand.

"I think that's enough for now," I remind her. "Do you feel dizzy at all?"

She looks up and then squints her eyes closed, putting her hand against her forehead and then looks back down. I move over to sit next to her so that our sides touch, our bodies are close. It feels strange to be this close to her and not to be asleep but I have to help her. She came all the way here to save Finn but she's my responsibility, just like I'm hers.

"Yeah," she says. "Pretty dizzy but not bad considering I was hit over the head with a rock."

"True," I say with a smile, trying not to make her laugh. I know it will hurt her but I don't want her to be afraid of something else.

"You think we can save Finn?" she asks.

"Save him? We're going to try to keep him here as long as we can and then—"

"No," she says, looking over at me. "I mean really save him. He's so messed up from killing all of those people. He's so upset from what he did but he doesn't seem like he's really sorry. He keeps saying that everything he did haunts him but that he did it for me. What does that really mean? He did it for me?"

I shake my head and shrug.

"People in love will do strange things," I say.

She doesn't respond.

"Are you in love with him?" I ask.

"Bellamy," she chides.

"Are you?" I ask again. I have to know what is really going on in her head, why she is really defending him.

She shrugs.

"I don't know," she says. "When we were together, it was so fast. It wasn't love. We liked each other, sure but it wasn't what he had with Raven. But after he killed all of those people for me, I don't know what to think."

"Clarke," I say.

She looks at me.

"I killed people for Octavia," I say. "And when we were out there, I was ready to kill people to find you too."

"Not innocent people," she fights back.

I take her hand and look right into her eyes. She has to know the truth because she has to know what I would have done. I can't let her hate Finn if I would have done the same thing.

"If there was an innocent standing in front of you, and I had to kill him to save you…I would have done it," I agree.

She presses her lips together, as if thinking.

"I understand," she says.

"And I think, if it were me, you would have done the same thing," I insist.

"You'd be right," she agrees.

"So you can't hate Finn for losing his way because he thought he was saving the person he loved," I tell her.

Clarke nods and a small smile escapes her lips. It's as if I have just given her permission to love him, which is terrifying. I can't believe I told her that, even though it was the truth.

"Guys," Raven says as she comes in.

"We have a problem," Murphy agrees.

I stand up and take Clarke's hand, helping her stand. She squeezes my fingers and smiles.

"Thank you," she says.


	39. Bellarke Family

**In honor of our beautiful new married couple, Eliza Taylor and Bob Morley, I have written a little one shot. Bellamy comes to Clarke in her room after his fight with Echo and they sleep in the same bed like old times.**

I don't want to knock on the door because I don't want anyone to know that I am over here. I don't want to surprise her either. Instead, I just push the door open a little bit. It's open enough that I can see her perfect figure. Her face is tilted to the side, her eyes closed and her body limp. Her pink strap is falling off of the only shoulder I can see. The blanket is pushed down around her ankles, her lace pink shorts are up around her hips. She is so beautiful, so peaceful, and so perfect.

"Clarke?" I ask.

She doesn't say anything. I know I am not being loud enough. I don't really want to disturb this beautiful sleep that she is getting. But I don't want to be alone. And for the first time in a long time, I don't want to be with Echo. I don't want to sleep next to her. I don't even want to see her. I just want to be with the one person that I have always loved, that I always been with, that always been there for me.

"Clarke?" I ask again. I close the door behind me, coming into the room and making sure that Madi isn't in here. When I realize that she isn't, I step closer and sit at the edge of her bed. She feels the shift in weight and her body adjusts.

"Clarke, hey," I say, pushing her blonde hair from her face and against her ear so that I can see her better.

" _Ai gamma chic yu_ ," I tell her. Her body stirs just a little.

I brush my hand down her arm and across her hand. Her eyes start to flutter. I don't want to wake her but I don't want her to wake up beside me and want me gone. I need her tonight and for once, I want her to need me too.

"Clarke," I say again. "It's just me. Wake up."

Her eyes open and she blinks a few times. Confusion flashes over her face. She lifts up onto her elbows, her pink strap falling further down her arm. I want to reach over and push it back up but she is so raw here. She is so beautiful, laying here in her all of her fullness.

"Bellamy," she says, squinting. "Are you okay? What's going on? Is something wrong with Madi?"

"No. No. Nothing is wrong. I just…I thought I could stay here with you, like we used to," I say. She looks down and then back at me. For the first time, I actually think she might say no. She looks skeptical and then bites her lip, nodding.

"Okay," she says. "But you have to go early in the morning. I don't want to deal with fighting with Echo on top of everyone else who hates me."

"Hates you?" I ask.

She pulls the blankets back and scoots over to let me in the bed beside her. I lay down beside her, putting my arm behind her shoulders. She lets me hold her close and rests her head on my shoulder. I pull the blankets back over both of us.

"Murphy mostly and Emori by association. Plus, I never really know who else is going to blame me for the things I did," she says. "But…the worst part is that no matter how much I apologize it won't matter because I wanted to save Madi. I wanted to turn you guys in. I wanted to kill anyone that got in my way because I had to save my daughter."

"I know Clarke," I say. "I told you earlier that I forgave you."

"I know," she says. "But I still feel like other people don't forgive me. I know you do but no one else seems to."

"Is anyone else your family?"

"I guess not," she shrugs. "But I did think that Murphy and I weren't so different at one point. He seems to think I'm so much worse than him."

"You're not," I tell her. I hate hearing her talk about herself like this. Yes, I was mad at her for turning me in. But I was more angry with her that she even thought that I was disposable, that I wasn't hers anymore. That was partially my fault. I realize that all now. What she did was what she had to do for Madi and Madi is a kid. I was her family until I left her behind.

"Hey, Clarke," I whisper.

"Hm?" she asks, clearly almost falling back asleep. I can feel the warmth of her body against my shoulder and side. She is relaxing against me, like she always used to when we were in the same bed. I used to dream about this when I was on the Ring. I used to wish that this would happen again.

"When I was on the ark, I think you were angry with me for leaving. You say that you weren't and that you were okay because you had Madi after a while. But you were lying. Part of you had to be angry that you thought you were the last person on earth and that when you finally found the other human, she was a child. Weren't you angry that your family left you?" I ask, squeezing her close in case she wants to walk away. She doesn't move at all. She takes a deep breath and then nods against me.

"My dad was killed. My mother chose drugs over me in the bunker. And then the person that I loved most in the world, left me to die," she says.

The person she loved most in the world?

God.

I had no idea.

"I love you too," I promise, trying to choke back the emotion that is pushing in my throat. I have to swallow hard to force all of the pain back. She squeezes my shaking hand.

"I was angry, Bellamy. But I understood why. Just like you were angry with me when I left you in the arena but I hoped that you understood why," she says.

"I do," I promise. "I have a request."

"Anything," she agrees, needing me so badly I can actually feel it.

"We never hurt each other again," I say. "We promise to put each other, and Madi, our little family, above everything and everyone else."

I can almost hear the tears in her voice as she speaks again.

"I promise," she says. "Our family above all else."

" _Yu soda klir ai ou_ ," I promise.

" _Ai hod yu in_ , Bellamy."

" _Ai hod yu in_ , Clarke."

I can feel her scoot closer before she falls asleep in my arms.

 **Hope you enjoyed! I am sure you are all excited for Eliza and Bob! I know I am!**


	40. Bellamy Mourns Clarke

**Bellamy mourns Clarke. Madi tries to talk to him. This is from season 6. Please review and enjoy!**

 _Clarke, why did you have to go? Why didn't you tell me something was wrong? Why didn't I save you from all of this?_

Pain hits my chest again and bubbles up to my throat where it gets stuck, lodging there. I hold onto it for as long as I can, squeezing my hands together, pressing my boots into the dirt and biting my lip as hard as I can. I do everything I can to distract myself, to change the narrative, but I have nothing left without her. I feel empty.

I already mourned her. I already thought she was dead. Then I got her back and now…she is never coming back but her body is still here, looking like her. Her hair is still blonde and curly. Her eyes are still beautiful and deep. Her body is still thick with muscle. But her mind is gone. Her head is empty.

And now so is my heart.

The pressure pushes through everything else. The distractions are useless against the pain feel. Then all at once, tears fall and my chest racks with sobs. I lean over my knees, holding onto my body as tightly as I can so that I can contain the pain of losing her again.

I never told her.

I came back and knew she was alive and promised myself that I would tell her and now…she is gone and I never told her because I was too afraid and too much of a coward. Why would I do that?

My mind locks on her and does not wonder elsewhere. She is the only thing that I can think about. I press my shaking hands together as my mind finds every memory it can of her.

 _"_ _Princess,"_

 _"_ _Get your own nickname," Finn told me._

In all fairness, he threw himself away for her. I wasn't willing to do that because I knew I would never be good enough for her. But sometimes, the way she looked at me I almost thought I could be.

 _Her arms wrap around my neck. For a moment, I hesitate, not sure that I really want to show this much emotion with so many people around. But more than that, I didn't think that this would ever happen. She is happy to see me. I wrap my arms around her as tightly as I can, holding her close. I almost feel like crying. I don't want to let go. When she finally loosens her grip, I give her a squeeze and reluctantly, let her go, holding back emotion._

That was one of the best hugs in the world. I wish I could feel her like that now.

 _She leans up and kisses me on the cheek._

 _I should grab her, pull her to me and kiss her full on the lips. But I know she is leaving. She won't want that and if I did that, I would be forcing her to stay._

 _"_ _May we meet again," I mumble, trying so hard not to cry as she walks away._

I can still see that Clarke, filled with anguish and pain walking away from me when I needed her so badly.

 _"_ _I was so angry at you for you leaving. I don't want to feel that way anymore."_

 _"_ _The heart and the head."_

 _"_ _She must be pretty important to you."_

 _"_ _She is."_

 _"_ _You left me."_

 _"_ _We can't lose Clarke. We can't lose her."_

 _"_ _Bellamy, stay back."_

 _"_ _Did he do something to you?"_

 _"_ _If you need forgiveness, I'll give that you. You're forgiven."_

 _"_ _Together?"_

 _"_ _Together."_

 _"_ _The good little knight at his queens side."_

 _"_ _If I'm on that list, you're on that list."_

 _"_ _Bellamy, I can't."_

 _"_ _Write it down. Write it down or I will."_

"Bellamy?" I hear from behind me. I wipe my face off with the back of my hand and swallow the emotion back. It takes me a second to steady myself before I turn around to find Madi.

"Hey," I say, patting the seat beside me. She walks over with tears on her face and sits down. She looks angry behind the mask of sadness that is overcoming this little girl. Clarke and I promised to take care of Jordan. Now Madi doesn't have a mother. I know what I have to do. But I just don't have the heart right now, at least, not without the head.

"Are you okay?" I ask her.

She shakes her head.

"Me either," I agree.

"Did you ever tell her?" she asks.

"Tell her what?" I ask, trying to keep myself in check. The last thing I need is a little girl seeing me cry over her mother. She is having a hard enough time already.

"Tell her that you love her," she says. She says it so casually it almost shocks me. I wish I could've said it like that.

I look over to her, biting my lip so hard I taste blood and shake my head. It hurts so bad to admit that I never told her, to admit that I wanted to tell her but I was too weak and not it's too late.

"She knew," Madi assures me.

"Did she?" I ask.

She nods. That doesn't make me feel better about myself but it makes me feel better for Clarke. At least she knew that I would always be there, that I would always love her.

"I want revenge, Bellamy," she says beside me. I shake my head.

"I know. Me too. But we can't. That's not what Clarke would have wanted," I tell her.

"Clarke is dead! It doesn't matter what she would have wanted!" she blurts out, standing up in front of me. She looks like she might run off. Her tiny face is so angry I have to grab her to keep her from leaving. She stares at me, waiting.

"Madi, Clarke would want you safe. She wouldn't want you in another war," I tell her. "I have to be good on that."

She looks angry but then tilts her head down toward the ground and nods slowly. I see a single tear fall down her face onto her nose. I brush it away and pull her close to me. Her small arms go around me and we hug for a long moment. It feels good to have someone so close to Clarke, close to me.

She pulls away slowly.

"What were you doing out here?" she asks.

I shrug.

"Crying?" she asks again. I smile at her and pretend to punch her shoulder. She smiles but then tilts her head, trying to get the truth out of me.

"I miss her too," I promise her and it is all I can say.

"I know," she agrees.

Madi turns back to the house and starts walking back. I want to grab her and bring her back but decide to let her go. She might need to be alone for a while.

"Madi?" I ask.

She turns around, looking nothing like Heda and everything like a little girl.

" _Yu trus ona me, Heda,_ " I promise her.

You can trust me.

" _Ai op_ ," she agrees.

I know.

She turns and leaves. I sit back down on the bench, think about going back inside and decide I can't. I can't see them. I can't let them see me. They will all be looking to me to lead them, to work with them, to stand up for them, just like they did last time and I can't do it. Right now, I have to give some time to Clarke.

 _Ai hod yu in, Clarke._

I love you, Clarke.


	41. Bellamy Mourns Clarke II

**Bellamy is mourning Clarke. He has a dream about her. Echo tries to help him but he doesn't want her. He wants Clarke. Enjoy!**

She's in my dreams again. She's standing at the edge of my bed in nothing but her soft shirt and pants. She doesn't have on any armor, any gear or any weapons. She is just standing there with a smile on her face and her hand reached out toward me. I want to reach back but I'm stuck. There is something holding me away from her.

Fear.

Fear that something will go wrong. Fear that she won't love me the way I love her. Fear that she will do something that I will hate. Fear that she will hate me for something I have to do. So much fear and I don't tell her anything, don't pull her close, don't even reach for her hand.

"Clarke," I whisper.

"Bellamy," she whispers back.

"I'm sorry," I tell her.

"It's not your fault."

She would say that. She would always say that it was never my fault and it always was. I don't reach out for her but she walks close to me and sits at the edge of the bed like she always does before she gets in it with me.

"Want some company?" she asks.

"You know I do," I say with a smile. Suddenly, with her close, the fear is gone. All I have left is the beautiful Clarke in my bed with me. I pull her back close to my chest and rest my head on hers, taking in her perfect, earth scent and her soft frame.

"Are you going to leave me?" I ask, letting the words fall out of my mouth. They feel wrong. They don't even feel like my words but once they are out there, I can't control them anymore.

"What?" she asks, as if she doesn't understand. She turns toward me, keeping my arm around her body and looks up with a smile on her face. She brushes her fingers against my face and then lets them fall to my chest. She holds her hand on me for a long moment, not breaking our gaze.

"I'll always be right here," she says with a smile.

I wake with a shout, holding onto my chest. I look around the room and find Echo laying on her back with her eyes closed beside me. It was her. I was dreaming about Clarke but Echo was the one beside me. Her eyes open slowly. When she sees me, she reaches toward my back and puts her hand on my back.

"Bellamy?" she asks. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," I say with a shake of my shoulder.

I can still feel Clarke laying beside me. I can still feel Clarke right here with me. I can still feel her body against mine, our arms wrapped around each other and our heads always connected. I can still feel every part of her with me.

"What is it?" she asks, again, putting her hand on my shoulder. She wraps her arm around me and scoots closer, just against my back. I try to lean away from her. It feels wrong to have Echo so close when Clarke is so far away. But then Echo follows me again, trying to get closer every time.

"Echo, I just lost my best friend," I say.

"Is that who you were dreaming about?" she asks. "You were holding onto me so tight."

I put my head down, trying not to feel her shame. I don't want her to know how much I think about Clarke, how much I love her. I know when we first got together, she knew that I had a lot of problems with not being around Clarke. But now, I should love no one but her. That's just not true. I have always loved Clarke. But I love Echo and I really don't want to hurt her.

"Bellamy, it's okay. You can tell me," she says.

"No, Echo," I say again, pushing myself to stand up. I can't handle this conversation. But she follows me, standing up across from me and holding out her hand.

"I can't," I say, shaking my head and feeling pressure against my eyes and chest. I hate crying. I don't feel like I have much of a choice right now.

"Why not? Just take my hand and talk to me about what you're dreaming about," she says.

"What do you want to hear?" I demand, trying so hard not to be angry. I feel my hands start to shake at my sides. I am in no state to talk calmly to anyone.

"That you love me! That you're hurting! That you need help! Anything, Bellamy!" she says, taking another step toward me.

"No! Let's just go back to bed," I say. "It'll be fine."

"Was it about sleeping with Clarke?" she asks.

"What? No! I never—"

" _Clarke en yu oue_ ," she says.

Clarke is your home.

"She was my best friend. I dream about a lot of things, Echo but every single time, it has her in it and then she's gone or she's telling me that she's leaving or I can't get to her because I'm too weak," I blurt out and then I look up at her. Her eyes are lost. She looks sad and almost broken but Echo could never truly be broken. "Is that what you want to hear?"

" _Ai no gomplei odon yu_!" Echo says.

I don't want to fight you.

" _Teik's sleepa_ ," I beg of her.

Let's sleep.

" _Chic op ai_ ," she says.

Talk to me.

"No," I say sternly and push her hand away when she reaches out for me. I can't be in here anymore. I have to be alone before I break completely. I turn toward the door and run. I keep running until the fear hits my chest and I am crying through my run. I keep running though. I don't stop until the pain subsides in my chest and the real pain resides in my feet and ankles for running barefooted through the dirt.

Finally, I stop at the edge of the river and sit down, looking over the water and thinking of Clarke, all the time we've had and everything I wanted to do with her.

Now all of that is gone.

"Bellamy?" I hear behind me.

I turn around to find Emori with her arms crossed over her chest.

"What do you want?" I ask.

" _Ai hondes Clarke oso_ ," she says. " _Ai jus wan chic yu dat."_

I loved Clarke also. I just wanted to tell you that.

" _Betcha, Emori."_

Thank you, Emori.

She sits next to me and puts her hands in her lap, looking over the water. She doesn't talk. She just sits there. We both do, thinking about our lovers and why we aren't with them right now. We also think about Clarke and why we lived and she didn't.

" _Em gomplei set don_ ," she says.

Her fight is over.


End file.
